Older woman, younger man

Dear Marc,

What’s your opinion on an "older woman and a younger man" relationship? I am in that kind of situation right now. I’m 33 and he’s 21. I’m working; he’s still in school. Friends tell me that age does not matter as long as we both love each other and that I should not mind what other people think. But I know that age does matter and what people think can get in the way of the relationship! I really want to know what you think. God bless you! Kudos to The STAR for having you on their team! — Older Woman

Well if this question had been from a guy dating a younger girl, I daresay it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. It’s fairly common for guys to date girls considerably younger than they are and has become quite accepted in society. This is partly due to the fact that it happens so often that we’ve become accustomed to it, but also because of the different maturity levels of the sexes. Girls in general are more emotionally mature in their teens and 20s compared to guys at the same age. Not only do they have a better understanding of relationships and responsibility, but often, they are looking for someone who is fairly stable and they can look up to. Of course this is a generalization, but the fact remains that girls often want to date older men and vice versa.

So where does that put your relationship? Judging by what I’ve just said, it should be the emotional equivalent of a teacher dating a pre-schooler. However, as I mentioned, that description was a bit of a generalization. There are plenty of guys out there who have had enough life experiences to be able to relate with men and women a decade older than they are and quite comfortably. Similarly, there are a number of women who may have a vibrant and youthful streak in them that belies their age. This may well be the case with the two of you. I have a couple of female friends in their 30s, who are dating or have dated guys at least 10 years their junior. While it may have raised a few eyebrows to the uninformed, both parties were extremely happy with the way things turned out. The couple that broke up are still close friends, and the couple that are still together seem very happy indeed.

One of the important things you need to address is if the age thing might actually be a subconscious plus rather than a minus. Ask yourself: Why are you attracted to this guy? Is it because he is so much younger than you? The reasons could be anything from enjoying being the dominant partner (being in control) or being a teacher to him. Perhaps you want to help, guide or even mold him into what you think is a better person. On his part, maybe he’s looking for just the opposite — a guiding influence or dominant person in his life.

Those are the deep and introspective reasons. Of course it could be something a lot simpler as well. Sex. Being in your 30s means that you are hitting your sexual peak, while he, in his 20s, has energy to burn and a libido to match. Be very honest with yourselves about just how much of your relationship is sexual attraction and chemistry. If it makes up a large part, that’s OK, just make sure you both realize that. He’s already old enough to know what he’s doing, and so are you. The important thing is to understand what each other wants in the relationship. It would be a sad state of affairs if one only wants the physical side while the other is deeply in love.

I leave it to you to decide exactly what your relationship is based on, but assuming it really is love in the true sense of the word, then how do you cope with society? In a perfect world (Marc Nelson’s Utopia), people would no more comment on your age discrepancy than they would a 33-year-old guy dating a 21-year-old girl (I’m a great believer in equality). However, the real world is a long way off from my personal Utopian dream (Manila still has lung-clogging pollution for example), and the public in general can be less than understanding.

Of course with your close friends it’s a lot easier, and they already seem to be quite understanding about it. This means the problem lies with those not close to you. The easiest way around this would, of course, be to just not tell them about the age difference. For all they know, he could just be a youthful-looking 30-year-old (you might want to discourage the baggy hip-hop pants and using his college ID for student discounts when you go out together). If you’re out in one of his haunts, avoid too much makeup and that formal pantsuit, so you’ll blend closer to his age. It may sound a bit silly, but if you go out nowadays, you’ll notice that people from their teens to late 30s all go to the same places, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to tell them apart (I have a few female friends in their early 30s that barely look out of their teens… gotta love that youthful Asian blood!).

If people do find out, then you’re just going to have to learn to not be ashamed of it. This doesn’t necessarily mean being defensive and making excuses. Just tell them the two of you get along so well that the age difference has never really been a factor. Those who really matter already understand anyway, so what does it matter if people you barely know disapprove? If the difference were race, religion or economic background, would you still care so much what others think? I certainly hope not. You said that age does matter and what other people think can get in the way of a relationship, and this is true. However every relationship has things that get in its way, whether it be jealous exes, disapproving parents or friends, work commitments or even distance. Overcoming these are just some of the tests to see how strong a relationship really is. If you both really do care about each other that much, this age difference thing will hopefully just be another speedbump on the road to a happy relationship together.

* * * I’m Single Because I Have Scales Under My Clothes

Dear Marc,

I’m 32 years old and I’m a bachelor. I date and I love my work. My problem is when people find out I’m single, they ask a tirade of questions like: "When are you getting married?", "Why aren’t you married?" and I get pissed off. Why is it that when we hit our 30s and we’re still single, people immediately think there’s something wrong? Can you give me tips on how to change the topic or answer their questions without being sarcastic? — JFY

Personally I don’t see anything wrong with a sarcastic answer to an annoying question like that ("let’s see…I plan to get married in the 2nd trimester of the 4th equinox of Jupiter’s 12th moon eclipsing the sun… otherwise known as a week next Thursday I think…). It’s sad that we’re brought up in a society which dictates that people should be married by a certain age. It kind of de-sensitizes the role that love should play in a lifelong coupling. If you haven’t found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with by the time you’re 32, does that mean you should just settle for anyone who happens to be around and willing at the time? In other words, should you give up waiting for Miss Right, and instead get hitched to Miss Right-Now?

I guess in a way, us guys should be thankful. We are usually given a few extra years leeway compared to the girls. Ask any single girl you know over the age of 25 how often she gets asked the same questions and I’m sure it’ll be considerably more often than you. I’ve met some people who think a girl is an old maid if she’s still single by her mid-20s. Thankfully, women nowadays are less inclined to get married just because everyone expects them to, and are instead, concentrating on work, broadening their horizons and outside interests while they wait for the right guy to come along.

Guys are doing pretty much the same thing. This means that people in general are getting married later, and that they are more prepared for marriage. Not only do they have more experience with relationships and life in general, they are also more stable financially (not living with the parents anymore… whee!) and emotionally (getting hitched now means more than just a 24-hour-booty-call service). This often means couples are more aware of what they’re getting into and how serious it is, hopefully resulting to happier and more fulfilling marriages.

Now if you’re happy with being single (I can certainly relate to that at the moment), then there’s no need to feel bad or guilty about it. Sure, you may have friends trying to set you up all the time, but just tell them you’re not really looking seriously at the moment. Even if you meet a wonderful girl, you personally may just not be ready yet. Being single is not a disease, or something that should be pitied. It’s often just a personal choice. The emphasis here is on personal — as in no one else’s business. Just because your siblings or friends might be married already doesn’t mean you should give in to peer pressure just to make them happy. It’s your life, so do what makes you happy.

In short, don’t be ashamed of being single. If people ask if you’re married, tell them straight up that you’re not. If they ask when you intend to get married, just tell them when you feel it’s the right time with the right person and not a moment before (although personally I still think sarcastic is the way to go… when was Jupiter’s next lunar eclipse again?).

* * *

Send questions to: question_marc@hotmail.com