How to throw parties and alienate people
December 5, 2003 | 12:00am
So it’s your birthday and you’re thinking of throwing yourself a party? Now, it can’t just be any old party. Why would anyone waste their time showing up at your little shindig when there are so many other fabulous events around town this season? You’ll have to work hard and make people know it’ll be worth their precious time. Here’s how to do it.
• Invite only good looking, famous or rich people.
Of course, this assumes you already only hang out with the beau monde. I mean a good party can’t have fugly people walking around and messing up the atmosphere. And the more famous people there are, the better. It pays to have starlets and models cavorting around your party so do your best to convince their agents and handlers that your party is worth a pitstop.
• Try to get someone else to host the party and foot the bill.
If you’re popular enough, there’s always some floundering bar or club that hosts these mass birthday bashes. They’ll comp you and your fifty closest friends with open bar from 9:00 to 9:45 p.m. or some other ridiculous duration. Of course the failing bar/club is just using your popularity to make their has been place seem like itís still happening. So don’t settle for a limited open bar and go for the full spread, with cocktails, champagne and hor díoeurves aplenty. Hey, itís a person eat person world.
• Get the right media people to cover your party.
Good P.R. is key. With the right media machine, even the most boring party in the world can be made to appear like a J. Lo video. Of course, sucking up to photographers and writers is a dirty job, but you just have to do it. I mean, whatís the point of throwing a fantastic party if itís not memorialized in the papers and glossies?
Just make sure you don’t throw your fete at the same time as someone really famous. You run the risk of people shunning yours for a much more happening party, and you miss out on whatís going on over there. I once threw a beach party on the same weekend as Jessica Rodriguez’ wedding. Fortunately my so-called friends showed up after the wedding, but I missed out on a "you had to be there" moment – watching her sing as she walked down the aisle.
• God is no longer a DJ but you still need some tunes.
Although the popularity of the DJ has waned, good music is still an important element of a good party. It would be great if you had a famous DJ or rock star friend performing at your event (for free of course!). You owe it to your guests to keep them entertained. Of course the best thing would be to have a foreign DJ/rock star fly in for your party, but since they only really send second stringer hacks that nobody’s ever heard of, why bother? If you don’t have the clout to book a real music act, you could try getting a string quartet or karaoke machine and try singing yourself. But unless you’re a really good performer, this ploy could totally backfire and you could end up being completely ridiculed. If none of these options are available, try hooking up your iPod to an amp and some speakers and hit AutoDJ.
• Scandale!
If all else fails, here’s one surefire way to have people talking about you and your party. Send out invites to recently broken up couples (and tell them to bring dates!), sworn political enemies, business rivals and the like. Do your best to get these star-crossed revelers to mingle, mingle, mingle, until you have a hotbed of tension wafting in the air. Make sure they are all generously plied with booze and sit back and watch the fireworks. Highly scandalous personalities such as Kris or Miriam would add plenty of spice to the even dullest of fiestas, so try your hardest to get said types to grace your event.
These are just the basics for making sure you make it a night to remember. There are countless other ways to make you seem more popular, beautiful or wealthy than you really are, but I canít do all the work now can I? Use your creativity and maybe with a lot of hard work, backstabbing and treachery, you just might make it to that great big VIP room in the sky. To paraphrase Mr. Johnnie Walker, "Keep climbing."
• Invite only good looking, famous or rich people.
Of course, this assumes you already only hang out with the beau monde. I mean a good party can’t have fugly people walking around and messing up the atmosphere. And the more famous people there are, the better. It pays to have starlets and models cavorting around your party so do your best to convince their agents and handlers that your party is worth a pitstop.
• Try to get someone else to host the party and foot the bill.
If you’re popular enough, there’s always some floundering bar or club that hosts these mass birthday bashes. They’ll comp you and your fifty closest friends with open bar from 9:00 to 9:45 p.m. or some other ridiculous duration. Of course the failing bar/club is just using your popularity to make their has been place seem like itís still happening. So don’t settle for a limited open bar and go for the full spread, with cocktails, champagne and hor díoeurves aplenty. Hey, itís a person eat person world.
• Get the right media people to cover your party.
Good P.R. is key. With the right media machine, even the most boring party in the world can be made to appear like a J. Lo video. Of course, sucking up to photographers and writers is a dirty job, but you just have to do it. I mean, whatís the point of throwing a fantastic party if itís not memorialized in the papers and glossies?
Just make sure you don’t throw your fete at the same time as someone really famous. You run the risk of people shunning yours for a much more happening party, and you miss out on whatís going on over there. I once threw a beach party on the same weekend as Jessica Rodriguez’ wedding. Fortunately my so-called friends showed up after the wedding, but I missed out on a "you had to be there" moment – watching her sing as she walked down the aisle.
• God is no longer a DJ but you still need some tunes.
Although the popularity of the DJ has waned, good music is still an important element of a good party. It would be great if you had a famous DJ or rock star friend performing at your event (for free of course!). You owe it to your guests to keep them entertained. Of course the best thing would be to have a foreign DJ/rock star fly in for your party, but since they only really send second stringer hacks that nobody’s ever heard of, why bother? If you don’t have the clout to book a real music act, you could try getting a string quartet or karaoke machine and try singing yourself. But unless you’re a really good performer, this ploy could totally backfire and you could end up being completely ridiculed. If none of these options are available, try hooking up your iPod to an amp and some speakers and hit AutoDJ.
• Scandale!
If all else fails, here’s one surefire way to have people talking about you and your party. Send out invites to recently broken up couples (and tell them to bring dates!), sworn political enemies, business rivals and the like. Do your best to get these star-crossed revelers to mingle, mingle, mingle, until you have a hotbed of tension wafting in the air. Make sure they are all generously plied with booze and sit back and watch the fireworks. Highly scandalous personalities such as Kris or Miriam would add plenty of spice to the even dullest of fiestas, so try your hardest to get said types to grace your event.
These are just the basics for making sure you make it a night to remember. There are countless other ways to make you seem more popular, beautiful or wealthy than you really are, but I canít do all the work now can I? Use your creativity and maybe with a lot of hard work, backstabbing and treachery, you just might make it to that great big VIP room in the sky. To paraphrase Mr. Johnnie Walker, "Keep climbing."
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