IN THE NAME OF LOVE... AMEN

Hey Marc,

I am a 17-year-old seminarian of a diocesan seminary. I have a best friend (girl) who is studying in Manila. Our communication was continuous since I entered the seminary but I started falling in love with her when we met again after more than a year without seeing each other. Last Saturday was her debut party and it happened that that same day was our home weekend. I attempted to tell her about my special feelings for her but she was tired that night so I did not pursue it. We are planning to have a date by sem break and I think that is the right time to tell to her. One night, I called her in her dormitory and she told me that she now has a lot of suitors. I am afraid that she’ll start going out with another guy if I don’t tell her as soon as possible my feelings for her. What do I do now? I really really love her and I am willing to give up my vocation for her. Help!

Vent

You seem to have two problems that need solving. The first, obviously, is about whether or not to tell this girl about your feelings now rather than later. Sem break is still a while away, and who knows what might happen within a week, let alone months! You’re correct in thinking that there could be a chance that she’ll meet someone and start dating him before that, especially if it’s true that she has a lot of guys after her at the moment. Mind you, she could just be telling you that as a hint that she’s in demand and maybe you should speed things up a little.

You think you’ve fallen for her, and there could be a chance that she has more than just "friendly" feelings towards you too. If this is the case, then she is probably a bit confused at the moment as you obviously don’t get to see each other very often and you being in a seminary kind of makes a girl think she hasn’t got much of a chance. Her telling you about the other guys after her may have been her way of telling you that if you’re going to make a move, you’d better do it soon or she’ll move on.

Alternatively, she may have decided to move on already, and this is her way of telling you that she is looking for a new guy, and you are now relegated to the "friend only" status. Kind of painful, but can you blame her for thinking she hasn’t got a chance with you? It would be like a regular guy hitting on a girl who is training to be a nun! Not exactly a successful venture on his part.

Now another problem you seem to overlook is your whole commitment to the seminary in the first place. I’m not telling you not to join, but rather to look very deeply within yourself and see if this is what you really want to do. The fact that you are willing to give it up for this girl at the age of just 17, means that there could be yet another more impressive girl for you in the future. If you’re studying to become a priest, there are a whole lot of sacrifices you need to make. The most relevant one in this case, of course, is not having any romantic involvement with the opposite sex. Now this can be a pretty difficult thing to do even if you’ve had time to mature and settle your life before joining the seminary. However, at such a young age there is still so much more you need to experience before you can really make that kind of a life commitment.

By becoming a priest, you are in essence marrying the church. As I said before, if that is what you believe in, then I wish you the best. However, as in any marriage, you should go into it with your eyes open and positive that you’re doing the right thing. If you are not sure, then it’s much better to wait a little longer until you are. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to get married at 17, as there is still a lot to be learned at that age and you can change quite a lot within the next few years. I’m sure a lot of priests would also advise against getting married at such a young age for the same reason. And if 17 is too young to make a lifelong commitment to something like marriage, what more entering the priesthood?

My suggestion to you is to maybe put your priestly aspirations on hold for a while. I’m not saying you should give up on the idea altogether, but perhaps give yourself a few more years of growing up before you make that final decision. Even if things don’t work out for you and your best friend, don’t let that push you into committing to the seminary because of a broken heart. Experiencing love and loss is one of those growing pains that everyone goes through at one time or another. Most happily married couples have experienced at least one "lost love" before they meet the person that is right for them.

I’m sure your faith is strong, and if your religion (no matter what it is) is really that important to you, then you can also explore other avenues of serving your particular faith. If the priesthood has too many restrictions, then have you thought of becoming a pastor? The religion is essentially similar, and that would mean you could still marry in the future. But once again, even the decision of becoming a pastor would be best left for a little later in your life.

For now I would suggest you grow up and enjoy your youth as a regular guy. If you really like your best friend, then go for it! She may be the one for you and it would be a shame if you spent the rest of your life wondering if you’d missed out on the possibility of being with her. But even if she’s not the one for you, she’s still your best friend, and maybe you’ll meet someone else.

Either way it will be a learning experience, and every lesson will bring you closer to the person you’ll finally become. Maybe by your early or mid 20s you will have become a lot more settled and in tune with your life. By that time you will know what direction you want the rest of your life to lead, and have the determination and commitment to follow it through. If you still want to become a priest at that time, then that’s great. But if your experience has taught you that maybe you would be more comfortable as one of the flock rather than the shepherd, then that’s fine too. As with any major decision in your life, try and make sure what it is you want, as the repercussions for your future are hard to change once you’ve set things in motion.

Good luck with the girl by the way.

Fitness For The 40-Something

Hi Marc,

 I am a 44-year-old male and have been leading quite a sedentary life all these years. I am quite interested to enroll in a gym for physical fitness purposes. What factors will I have to consider given my age?

James

Well, I keep telling people to get involved in exercise as soon as possible in their life, but better late than never! I’ll have to be honest with you; at 44 you’re going to find it a bit harder to get into shape than if you were in your teens or 20s. For one thing your body has gotten used to what you call its "sedentary" lifestyle. Plus you won’t have the advantage of all those natural youthful energy and fitness.

Have no fear though! You do have a couple of aces up your sleeve. Firstly, you probably have a lot more drive and determination to get fit compared to when you were younger when you took it for granted or put it off until later. Secondly, you may be able to make more time to actually exercise. When you’re younger and just starting out in the workforce, you have little time to actually hit the gym between your work and time spent going out with friends.

Another big plus on your side is going to be money. Yes, it is certainly possible to get into shape on a budget, but it can be a lot easier when you have the extra cash to devote to getting fit. Now you can afford membership to a really good gym (compared to a bare-basics one of your youth), and with that comes really good trainers. Not only will the place be more conducive to exercise, but with the proper training and motivation, it will go a lot faster and easier as well. Another bonus of being older and having a bit more money to spend on fitness is that you can now afford the different vitamins, supplements and healthy food that will aid your workouts.

OK, so you’re motivated, you’ve joined a good gym, and you’re eating a proper diet. Now you’re concerned about what you need to pay special attention to with regards to your age. Foremost among these is your safety. While not an old fogey by any stretch of the imagination, you’re not a young man anymore. Your body may have trouble putting up with the rigors of exercise compared to earlier in life. This means you should start off easy and take particular care of your form when working out as bad form leads to injury, which you are now more susceptible to.

Also be careful about over-exerting yourself too much to begin with, as it’s something you should build up to. However, once you’ve reached a comfortable stage whether it be in your cardio or weights workout, then it’s time to push it just a little bit further.

Be careful with your diet and general health. This means cutting down on too much fat, salt and other unhealthy food. While we all know this as we grow up, it is particularly important as you get older as our metabolism and body in general has a harder time processing these toxins as we age.

Enroll in a good gym close to your house or work (less excuses about having to travel too far to work out). Watch your diet and get a good trainer. Listen to what he has to say, especially to safety factors concerning your present level of fitness and age. Lastly, prove my point for me by being really determined and reach the goals you set for yourself. If you ever feel down or dejected because you think you’re too old to get into shape, then you should talk to my friend Enrique who trains with me at the age of 41 and still looks fantastic, or one of the trainers at Golds gym named David, who still looks amazing in his 50s! Trust me when I say you can do it if you really want to! Good luck!

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Send your questions to question_marc @hotmail.com.