Love in the first degree

Aaah, men! They come in all shapes and sizes and temperaments.

There’s the dark brooding type, then there’s the sunshiny Charlie-go-lightly kind. There are the rebels (with or without a cause), the dreamers, the angels. Different strokes for different blokes. But all of them seem to share the same culture – silence. Especially when it comes to their most intimate feelings, which of course, frustrates every female no end.

This so-called culture of silence among the male species is perhaps more evident among Filipinos, no thanks to societal standards, religious upbringing, peer pressure, economic status. In recent years, various studies on this phenomenon have been made and the results are often surprising, at least as far as the women are concerned.

One such study, focusing on the Filipino male on the socio-sexual plane, seems to indicate that, contrary to popular female impression, men are not such "insensitive jerks" after all. Sponsored by the USAID, with the support of the De La Salle University’s Family Health International and the Sexual Wellness in Men (SWIM) Foundation, the study highlights man’s capability to be a nurturing and committed sexual partner. In other words, he’s just one misunderstood soul.

Now, before feminists and scorned women raise a ruckus over these findings, let’s look at the stats. According to DLSU’s Research and Publications Office director Dr. Romeo B. Lee who led the study, men, like women, have to fulfill several roles in society today. He says that men’s roles are multiple, diverse, pivotal and evolving. Like women, men have to assume different roles – as husbands, bosses, subordinates, sons, brothers, fathers, etc. And men as lovers? Ah, this is where the hush-hush comes in, the culture of silence all-pervading.

Blame it on the Superman syndrome, where men are expected to be "unwavering pillars of strength" that they are considered wimps when talks turn to emotions, feelings, sensitivity and anything that relates to their sexual well-being. Thanks to these studies, with its highly confidential nature, men are beginning to open up (incognito of course) and letting the rest of the world take a peek into their more sensitive nature, especially in their roles as lovers.

The study was conducted in 1999 and interviewed 3,650 male respondents aged 15 to 44 years old – men in their prime – in Quezon City, Cebu and Davao. In the study, 93.8 percent are sexually experienced and thus, regard sex as important in their lives. Majority of them desire sex often, focus strongly on genital sex and put a premium on sexual satisfaction.

Of the 3,000-plus respondents, 87 percent said – okay, hold your breath gals – "they are monogamous." Again, before the wives and girlfriends (as well as all the girls he has loved before) laugh at this figure, Dr. Monette Bragais, one of only five urologists in the country, explains that this is a perfect example of this culture of silence among Adam’s sons.

According to Bragais, men would often talk about their "conquests" whenever they have a boys’ night out. Though she doesn’t want to generalize, it’s still a fact that men do talk about such things over beer or coffee even. This society’s tolerance of a distorted kind of machismo where infidelity in men is seen as proof of their virility further makes men wear their Casanova masks in public and flaunt their supposedly polygamous nature. But as studies show, results seem to prove that the one-woman man isn’t an extinct species, after all.

In the interpersonal aspect, 86 percent of men expressed the desire "to please the partner because a partner’s happiness is also his own." Also, 79.5 percent had "three or more intercourse events in the past three months." Dr. Lee explains there is a decrease in the frequency of intercourse among men mainly because of work-related pressure.

But, adds Lee, though sex happens few and far between, it is also becoming more passionate, intense and adventurous. "Quality over quantity" is definitely the name of the game here. More and more are experimenting with various sexual positions, he says, and are becoming more open to experimentation. Maybe this explains the popularity of stores selling sex toys and other naughty stuff? (Edible underwear, anyone?)

Given these results, it was found out that men have some concerns about being a lover. Lee says that of all his assigned roles, the Filipino male as a lover is the most neglected. With the culture of silence aggravating the situation, men and their partners are finding less equal time together, which is especially true in two-income households. Too much work (and horrendous traffic… it does take a toll on the body), too little R&R equals an awful lot of stress. As both Lee and Bragais agree, stress is the ultimate intimacy killer. Stress – it’s every sexual superman’s kryptonite. Sex in the city? Nah, that just happens on the boob tube. In the real world, it’s more like stress in the city.

"There used to be a time when life was simple and men and women had more time to enjoy themselves and develop their relationship. This generation’s goal to improve their quality of life has taken a toll on the men and women’s sexual relationship," says Lee.

These days, too, the relationship has to compete with other distractions such as television, computers and other gadgets. This and other lifestyle factors and age-related changes, as well as physical and sexual conditions greatly affect men’s – and eventually women’s – sex drive, which is a very important component in a human being’s psychological makeup and overall well-being. Worse, these "hunks of silence" seem at a loss as to what to do about this dysfunction in their lives.

Well, this is where SWIM Foundation steps in, and about time that it does. Otherwise, we’ll end up with tortured souls trapped in their own, warped and silent world. Founded by a pioneering group of experts in various fields – fitness, psychology, cardiology and urology, to name some – the foundation is known to apply a holistic approach to men’s sexual wellness. Its goal is to correct misconceptions about men’s sexual well-being and share information on medical trends and breakthroughs while preserving the values that are important to men.

Men’s sexual issues, says Bragais, are among the most ignored by men themselves, mainly due to embarrassment. Thus, whatever’s ailing them, whether physical or psychological, is sure to be kept a secret until it’s too late to treat. And this includes expressing their particular needs.

Whether it’s purchasing condoms from a drug store, or asking prescriptions for sexually enhancing drugs such as Levitra, Bragais notes men’s painfully shy countenance. "What’s sad is that, since they never bother to ask and just rely on second-hand information, they often have the misimpression that these drugs are only for those suffering from physical ailments," says Bragais. If only men would bother to ask, then they would understand that such drugs would enhance their sex lives, give them greater sexual satisfaction, as well as their partners. If only they’d put down their personal maps for a moment, and ask directions from experts, they’d find The Lost Horizon in no time at all, and safer too.

According to Bragais, men’s search for sexual satisfaction is normal under any circumstances. And the technology is there, all for the taking. "The drug Vardenafil, for instance, is an accidental finding. In the process of finding a drug for cardiovascular diseases, a biochemist from Bayer HealthCare named Dr. Erwin Bischoff in 1992, discovered a drug that aids in promoting erectile function among male patients," relates Bragais.

So, men with a healthy sexual drive but are too stressed out to give the greatest performance of their lives in the bedroom (with their legal partners of course) have a reason to smile these days. They now have a chance to, as the study shows, please their partners in their most intimate moment. Let’s look at the statistics once again, shall we?

This medical breakthrough, says Bragais, reportedly works in more than 92 percent of respondents. Having been refined through the years, the drug is safe even for those with existing medical condition. Being a highly selective drug, it only affects and inhibits the PDE 5, which in the simplest of terms, is an enzyme affecting the blood flow to the male sexual organ. Thus, many experts swear by its safety (unless one is taking nitrate drugs for angina, that is). It is not addicting, contrary to popular notion that a man would end up depending on this drug for his heightened sexual sensations. It’s supposed to be an aid to experiencing sexual pleasures, think of an accessory, say a pair of shades or a pair of earrings. It’s not the be-all and end-all of man’s sexuality.

In experiments done as well as feedback from patients, Vardenafil users say the drug act as quickly as 10 minutes. The refractory period – the phase where little junior recovers and gets ready for another round – is also shorter. Of course, this varies in men due to many factors. But, according to satisfied users, there is a marked decrease in the length of the refractory phase. Since the drug is found to last the whole night and greatly improves the quality of the erection, we’ll probably see a lot of men coming home early in the days to come. But of course, Bragais cautions that this isn’t a miracle drug. "This drug will not work without the proper stimulation. It’s like switching on and off a machine," she smiles. This translates to having a meaningful relationship with the partner, a strong commitment and open communication. Without these intangibles, men would just be lean, mean sexual machines without hearts and souls. Much like C3PO or R2D2 in a really bad pornographic movie.

Not surprisingly, Bragais notes that more women are asking about this wonder drug from their doctors, which proves that women are noting the difference and are being affected positively by their husband’s use of the drug. And what of stress? "Well, we’re seeing a good kind of tiredness here," says Lee with a smile. To quote Levitra senior product manager Mike Arnonobal, "Our aim is to have men seize the moment as far as their sexual well being is concerned. Whether we’re talking about their physical or psychological concerns, it’s always about not waiting until it’s too late."

Lee believes that Filipino men are romantic and cariñoso at heart. It’s just societal pressures have made them seem to be such uncaring lot. They’re misunderstood already as it is; their clamming up and retreating to their caves further enhance this not so flattering image. Maybe the female population ought to be more understanding of these supermen. Like the rest of us, they also need to be loved. It’s just unfortunate that society has forced him to don a funny red sheet, and look for special things within. With this kind of pressure all around him, it’s not hard to imagine men shaking their heads and sighing, "It’s not easy to be me…"