Is Brini Maxwell a man or a woman?

Dear Home 911,

I love the retro look in homes but I don’t have the budget for it. I’ve decided to get a few old occasional chairs from the ‘70s which can be repaired but I don’t want my entire house to have that look because it is already furnished with contemporary furniture. What accessories do you suggest I get? I’m into Pinoy stuff, not western modern-retro. And by the way, is decorating diva Brini Maxwell a man or a woman? I catch her retro-style show once in a while on the Lifestyle Network.

JENINE

Ah, the Brini Maxwell enigma. The first time I saw her, I thought, this has got to be a joke. This ‘70s-style Brady Bunch mama is a man, for sure. If those eyelashes were real, then Anna Nicole Smith’s boobs are real.

But then last October, a friend dropped by the house one weekend and we were channel surfing, and I asked her, "Does that look like a man or a woman to you?" She said, "Man. No, woman. No, man." So I asked my husband the same question and he said, "She’s a woman, of course. They wouldn’t put a man dressed as a woman on TV." Hello? If MTV can show Johnny Knoxville’s moron buddies sniff a rhino’s testicles, they sure as hell can put a transvestite host on TV.

So, yes, Brini Maxwell, the decorating diva with a penchant for A-line skirts and pastel sweaters, is most definitely a man. And here’s another shocker if you’ve been living under a rock lately: Martha Stewart did lose in a prison decorating contest last Christmas. What is the world of home improvement coming to?

Let me digress for a long moment. Martha Stewart (inmate No. 55170-054 of Camp Cupcake) has apparently lost her holiday decorating touch as her team won only second place in a prison decorating contest. According to an Associated Press report, which was naturally picked up by almost all publications and talk shows that made fun of her in the past year, Stewart’s team made paper cranes to be hung from the ceiling, while the competing team created a nativity scene with snow-covered hills and sleds. Each team had $25 worth of materials and worked on the theme "Peace on Earth." As Stewart would say, "It’s not a good thing."

Back to old gal Brini. Her reel name is Sabrina "Brini" Maxwell, a self-described "child prodigy in the area of domestic science"; her real name is Ben Sander, evidently a very successful drag queen with a cult following in New York.

If you watch The Brini Maxwell Show, you’re not sure if you’re supposed to be watching a satire or a real home-improvement show. One show I caught was how to make fondue. How hard can it be to skewer bananas, and plop chocolate in a fondue burner and melt it? Even I know that – and I don’t cook. For God’s sake, the woman has tips on linoleum care! Since when was linoleum stylish? Aren’t you supposed to hasten its demise so you can replace it?

Of course, if you watch Brini Maxwell as a send-up of all the home improvement show hosts that take themselves too seriously, you will find her amusing. Especially when she gives tips on how to barbecue properly with a half-naked fireman beside her. And those classic dream sequences – you know, with that transition music and the blurring of the camera and voila! she’s lying under a tree, her hair perfectly set, and a brawny man is looking down at her.

Anyway, now to your question on retro stuff. I agree with you, old Pinoy stuff can be interesting and much cheaper than designer modern retro furnishings. I once saw a house that displayed old irons with the red rubber handles, the kind they used in the provinces up till the ‘70s in which they put burning coals inside the iron to make it hot. The homeowner put them on a floating shelf, three in a row, surrounded by modern furniture. That was a really cool touch. You could also get the old radios we had back then – not the Sharper Image models – but the "Made in China" ones with plastic tubing inside for the batteries (they’re so kitsch they’re fabulous) or even a phonograph. Or, scour Bangkal in Makati for old fans and TV cabinets. Remember those TVs in wooden housing? You can repurpose it into a mini bar or put shelves in it.

For more ideas, watch old movies from the ‘60s to ‘70s. You may even find some of those things in your grandmother’s attic. That sounds very much like a suggestion from Rachel "shabby chic" Ashwell, I know. But don’t get me started on her again.

* * * How To Keep Flowers Fresh

Dear Tanya,

I love decorating my house with fresh flowers, but it tends to be very expensive since they last only a few days. How do you make them stay fresh longer? MARICHU

First of all, don’t limit yourself to cut flowers and to flower shops. Go to Dangwa, it has a street full of very good quality flowers, stems, and huge leaves that designers love to play with for a third of the price that flower shops charge. Dangwa hardly has imported flowers, but it has an abundance of roses, mums, Mickey Mouse, birds of paradise, Japanese lanterns, papyrus, ping-pong flowers, carnations, calla lilies, stargazers, anthuriums, etc.

I found these tips on the website abclocal.go.com, written by Jill Slater:

• All flowers need to be cut at a 45-degree angle to expose as much surface area as possible for taking in water.

• Leaves should be removed from stems that will be under water as they breed bacteria and algae that kill flowers more quickly.

• Hollow-stemmed flowers stay freshest when always full of water. Pour water directly into the stem and then plug it with cotton.

• Woody-stemmed flowers need the ends of their stems split vertically with floral clippers. Gently split very thick stems with a hammer.

• For bulbs like tulips, hyacinth and daffodils, cut off the thickened white part at the bottom of their stems. Eliminating this allows the flower to easily draw water up its stem and drink.

• Condition calla lilies and daffodils separately. The clear gooey sap, which drips from the ends of their stems when first cut, can actually kill other flowers. After these flowers have set in water separately for several hours, you can then mix them with other flowers.

• Milky stems have to be conditioned by dipping them in boiling water for approximately 15 seconds. Searing the ends of the stems with a candle or match also works to keep them from losing nutrients (the milky substance) that allow them to live longer.

• Tropical flowers should be immersed in cool water for about 15 to 30 minutes. Because tropical flowers love humidity, mist them daily with water.

• Flowers with pollen, such as lilies, should have their anthers cut off with small scissors as soon as they appear or pull off their pollen anthers with tissue. If the pollen gets on clothing or fabric resist rubbing. Instead, use sticky scotch tape to lift the pollen off the fabric.

Other tips, from the Internet: For carnations, add one teaspoon of sugar to the water. For other flowers, try a teaspoon of soap powder or a few drops of Clorox to their water. Or put ice cubes in the water. Change the water every day and keep the flowers from heat sources like the oven or window or a warm breeze.

* * * Removing Odors From A Refrigerator

Dear Home 911,

Please help! Our refrigerator stinks. My wife has put coals in it to absorb the smell, to no avail. It smells of rotting food. MARK

I hate to state the obvious, but it probably smells of rotting food because there is rotting food inside. Blue cheese perhaps that you opened months ago and then forgot in one of the shelves? Or rotten boiled corn (one of the foulest smells I’ve ever encountered)? I read somewhere that, stupid as it may sound, the first question call center reps ask is: Did you plug your TV? Is your computer plugged to the socket? And in more cases that we’d care to believe, the simplest thing is the problem.

If you’ve cleaned your ref and it still stinks, try these tricks from ehow.com: Take out everything from the ref, including removable parts and clean them separately. Mix two tablespoons of baking soda with four cups of warm water. Wipe down the inside surfaces of the ref with this solution. Or try a solution of one cup vinegar and one gallon of water if the odor remains. Then rinse and dry the surfaces. Or wipe with a solution of 1/2 cup of chlorine bleach and a gallon of water, rinse and dry. After this, leave the door open and allow the ref to air out. For long-term odor removal, keep an open package of baking soda or coffee grounds.

* * * Home 911 Has A New Text Number!

Home 911 answers questions about the home – cleaning problems, DIY projects, decorating ideas, home store resources, and things you’ve always wanted to know about but never had the friends to ask. Home 911 runs twice a month and will ask the experts on your behalf. For questions and suggestions, e-mail philstar_home911@yahoo.com or text 0915-4023239. Questions sent through the old number will still be answered. All questions will be answered through this column – Tanya is too lazy and too chatty to text her answers.