‘I have a good husband and a good life, but why am I depressed?’

DEAR EPPY,

I am 42 years old, married with three children.  I think I have a good life except that I feel lonely.  My children are wonderful.  My husband is good to me and we seldom fight.  That’s why I can’t understand why I don’t feel good.  On top of that, aside from having a wonderful family, I am successful in my career.

It’s been two years now that I feel kind of low.  Much of the time I keep to myself.  But I do go out whenever our company has an outing.  I don’t have friends.  I mean I have friends, but I don’t go out with them and I don’t share my life with them.

My husband is kind.  He is the type who talks.  Some of my friends say their husbands don’t like talking.  This makes them feel alone.  But I don’t have any reason to feel alone because my husband just likes talking.  When I share something with him, for sure he will say something about it.  So I know he listens.

But I don’t feel happy after he says something.  For example, I will share a story with him.  The story may be about being angry at a driver because while I was driving, there was this one car that suddenly just appeared in front of my car that I kicked on my brakes.  As usual, my husband responded.  He said, “Yeah, I know.  Drivers here in the Philippines are so inconsiderate.  One time that happened to me and I wanted to punch the guy in the car.” 

See what I mean?  He heard me and responded, but I don’t feel good.  I was just so tired that day that I just kept quiet after that.  I wanted to say I was late for a meeting that’s why it made me angry when the guy just cut in front of me.  But I didn’t say it.  It’s really me with the problem because I don’t communicate with him.  It’s obvious he is not lacking when it comes to communication.

Am I depressed?  What’s wrong with me?

LONELY WOMAN

DEAR LONELY WOMAN,

Chances are, you are at your lowest now because you are isolated from everyone else.  You need to share your life with someone, but you couldn’t at the moment.  You seem to say that there’s something wrong with you, that’s why there is no communication between you and your husband.  But I have to ask you to reflect on this again.  Maybe it’s not just you with the problem here. 

With your example about the “driver story,” you think that your husband was listening to you.  But if you reflect deeply, you would realize that he was focusing on the situation of the story, not on “you.”  Ask yourself, “What made you share the story in the first place?” 

A person shares stories because they want to share parts of themselves.  The driver who cut in front of you wasn’t important.  He could die today and it wouldn’t make you any happier.  If he continued living, it wouldn’t destroy your day either.

You see, the driver in the story was necessary to let the listener know that you were angry.  You were angry because you were late.  There was a possibility that if you were not late, then you wouldn’t be angry.  Your story was trying to tell the listener, which was your husband, that you are not in a good place.

Your story could go this way, “I was driving down the road when this guy just cut in front of me.  But I just hit on the brakes and went my way.  I realize those things don’t bother me because I love my life, my children, and you.”  But your story didn’t go that way.  Instead, your story tells the listener that you’re angry.  What makes you angry?  Is it because your life didn’t turn out the way it should be?  Or is it because there’s no one to share your stories with?

But I understand your husband.  He tried his best to make you know that he is listening to you.  But you’ll have to guide him.  Men aren’t good listeners.  Notice that after your story, the topic became about your husband.  It was about him wanting to punch another guy.  It was also about how lousy the drivers are in the streets.  It wasn’t anymore about your feelings or what you’re going through.

If your husband responded with, “What made you angry?” you would have shared a lot more.  You would have shared that you were lonely because no one seemed to want to know how you were.  He would have known that being successful, you still could feel empty because no one seemed to care about you.

In an article by Ami Sha’ked and Ami Rokach, published in the Psychology Journal and entitled “Loss and Loneliness in Close Relationships,” it is quite clear that human beings need socialization.  People need to feel that someone cares for them and that they are connected to others.  They mentioned that loneliness is connected to depression, hostility, poor self-concept, and psychosomatic problems.  This explains your story about being angry.

Sha’ked and Rokach explained that a person may feel loneliness in a relationship when they feel they don’t belong.  This means that if a partner doesn’t feel attached to the other, then they start feeling lonely, then the partner lessens spending time with the other because of this loss of belongingness. 

I suggest for you and your husband to seek professional help to help your husband listen in a different way and to help you learn to connect with your husband again.  For all you know, the two of you may be taking each other for granted without even knowing it.

EPPY

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.