How parents should talk to their children about sex

Sex education to schoolchildren once again became an issue during the recent debates in Congress on the RH Bill.  A research published in the Journal of Adolescent Health may be pertinent to this issue.  The study surveyed 1,605 parents in Minnesota and found that nearly all of them thought that they should be the primary source of sex education for their children.  But 78 percent of those surveyed said they believed that their kids’ peers had beaten them to it.  Sixty percent thought the media was their children’s main source of sex education. Of course, this is a US and not a local study and results may somewhat vary. However, study co-author Debra Bernat emphasized that even previous research has shown that parents are the main source on sex for their children, as well as the main influence in their sexual decisions.  Kids want their parents to talk to them about sex.

Having these discussions can be awkward, but experts across the board recommend one thing: Keep talking.

“Their whole life, they’re going to want to come and talk to you about a variety of things, and they want to know that you’re going to give them accurate and honest information,” says the University of Minnesota’s Steven Harris.

Here are a few ways that experts suggest to make those big conversations more comfortable:

Young children, 3 TO 6 years old

Young children will likely repeat a dirty word they heard or ask in earnest what it means.  After your child says the word, flatten the tone in your voice and avoid reacting negatively or with anxiety so he doesn’t think he’s done something wrong, says Sharon Maxwell, author of The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear From You About Sex.  You want your child to keep coming to you with questions.  Maxwell suggests taking a breath and responding with something like, “This is a really important thing you’re bringing up, and I’m glad you’re talking to me about this.  In our family, this is how we think about this…”

“Kids at that age haven’t had any sense of sexual desires,” Maxwell says. “They’re coming from a place where, in the context of their peer, they don’t want to be the kid who says something stupid, so they need information.”  Avoid telling young children tall tales about the stork or the cabbage patch. Use terminology that is age-appropriate but not more advanced than the child needs to know.

Very young children should know the anatomically correct names for body parts like the penis and vagina.  But if they ask questions about where babies come from before they’re ready to grasp the concepts of intercourse, Maxwell suggests explaining it this way:  “You might want to say, ‘Grown-ups are different than you: You have a child body, we have a grown-up body.  When people are grown-ups, they have a special kind of love that mommies and daddies have for each other, and that kind of love allows babies to be made.’”

She adds, “That separates out the grown-ups from the child, putting it in a context of love, and that it’s not for children.”

School-aged children, 7 to 9

By age eight, many children would have heard something about sexual intercourse, so ensure that you’ve had a talk about sex with your child by then, Maxwell says.

Your child might beat you to the punch and ask you about sex before you schedule a discussion, so stay flexible. Harris relates the following experience:  One of his four children brought up the subject at the dinner table when she was around seven.  She said, “I used to think that babies come out of your mouth, but now I know that they come out your ‘gina’.”  I said, “Okay, I guess we’re having this discussion right here at spaghetti dinner time!”  We started with, “Well, Mom and Dad have this special hug…”

If an opportunity doesn’t present itself organically, you can choose an introduction to the topic. For instance, talk about a movie you’ve watched together or an older brother or sister who is starting to develop physically.  Having a good excuse to bring up the topic can make things more comfortable, advised Ted Lempert, president of Children Now, a US children’s health and education advocacy organization.

If you’d like to do a little bit of preparation for the official talk, take your childhood as a starting point.  “Think through your own experience as a youngster,” he says, especially taking into account the conversations that you wish you’d had with your parents when you were a kid. “It’s more genuine when you’re not saying what you think you’re supposed to be saying.”

After the conversation is over, to make sure your child has understood, check in with him and ask what he is going to take away from the talk, Lempert says.

“It’s easier to talk about the tough subjects if you’ve been talking about this topic in general,” says Leslie Kantor, national director of education initiatives of Planned Parenthood in the US.  “There are a whole variety of teachable moments in our lives every day, from television shows to music to interactions that we all see people have, and those give us a chance to communicate our values about healthy relationships.”

Preteens, 10 TO 13

A parent’s time to shine regarding issues of sexuality comes when the child is about 12 years old.  According to Harris, that’s the age children start to decide who to turn to for information about the world: their parents or their peers.

At this age, the media can actually be a tool for keeping the conversation going.  While watching TV shows that deal with controversial situations, start a conversation.  You can open with: “What do you think about that?” or “What would you do if your boyfriend or girlfriend said that?”

Some schools provide some sex education lectures around this age.  Emphasize that you are also a resource for information, Lempert says.  Schools usually notify parents when these classroom talks are taking place, so you can time your conversation appropriately, even if it’s saying something as simple as, “If you have any other questions, I’m here to answer them.”

Now is the time to also talk about sexiness.  Start the conversations by talking about provocative ways of dressing, whether it’s short skirts for girls or showing off abs for guys.  You can connect sexy clothes with creating sexual desire in someone else.  Maxwell suggests something like, “You don’t want to do that when you’re a child.  It’s okay to be sexy sometimes, but you have to know how to use it in a way that’s responsible, and I’m here as a parent to help you make those decisions.”

Similarly, masturbation can be an uncomfortable topic.  The time to address it varies depending on the child.  At that time, put boundaries around the activity depending on your personal or religious views.

Teenagers, 14 TO 18

Parents must start discussions with their children about their own values, religious beliefs, as well as the risks of sexual activity  including pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections around this time, preferably during their early high school years.

A recent Planned Parenthood poll in the US found that most parents are talking to their kids about sex, but they fall short on one important topic:  how to say no to sex.  Tell your teen that this is a topic that you can be a resource of information.

“It’s okay not to know all the answers,” Kantor says.  “You don’t need to know everything there is to know about the risks of sexual activity including pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  It can be very powerful to go look for information together, but make sure it’s the correct information.”  The websites of respected organizations such as the US Center for Disease Control or the Harvard Medical School are reliable resources.

The teen years are the time to guide your child toward good sexual decisions, depending on your values  and that includes abstinence.  Cut to the chase by saying something like this, Maxwell advises: “Listen, you’re getting to an age where I’m assuming there’s some sexual experimentation going on (around you).  There’s a lot more to it than whether you do it or not do it.  In my opinion, it’s about being a decent person . . . I want you to know where I stand.”

Social media is a relatively new component of teens’ lives, but it has a magnetic pull.  Your teens shouldn’t have unlimited access to the digital world via Facebook, Twitter, and texting until they are mature to handle its contents.  Without supervision, teens run the risk of participating in escalating sexual messaging and situations.

 â€œSocial media has to be unfolded like everything else,” says Maxwell, who likens using social media to the stages of obtaining a driver’s license. “You don’t hand your kid a smartphone at 12 or 13 years old and think they can handle it.  They can’t.”

Try having joint access to everything, including your child’s Facebook account, Twitter handle, and cell phone, then allow more privileges if she has behaved appropriately, Maxwell suggests.  For example, tell her you’ll regularly be checking her Facebook account and her text messages, monitoring them for inappropriate behavior, which can cover everything from provocative texts to gossiping.  If you see anything that crosses boundaries, like sexting, pull the device or access to the account.

 â€œIt’s very important to address this idea of what’s appropriate in a relationship, even when that’s over text or on Facebook or Twitter, or whatever the next thing might be.”  It’s useful for parents to give a direct warning.  Say, “You may hear about or be asked to send a suggestive photo, and you may not realize that that is something that can be sent to a lot of people, and girls your age have gotten in trouble doing that.”

The main thing to remember when talking to your kids about sex:  Relax.  You don’t have just one shot to get your point across.

 â€œThe nice thing with parents and their own kids is that we can always go back,” Kantor says.  “If you give an answer that you may not feel proud of later, remember, it’s an ongoing conversation so you can always say a little bit more about it later.  It’s all in the family  and it’s part of your close and personal relationship with your children.”