On mothers and daughters

Hi Mommytalk!

I’m a mother of four growing children from Cebu. My eldest is in first year high school, followed by her siblings in Grade IV, Grade II, and Grade I.

Just last week, I noticed that my eldest daughter’s packed lunch was not consumed. She only ate a little bit of her "baon" and I reprimanded her and warned her of the consequences of not eating her lunch. My daughter only has a P10 allowance a day for her snacks so this is not enough to cover her lunch if she decides to buy food for her lunch and not eat her baon. (My children in grade school are not given money to buy food; they bring their snacks to school).

Last Sunday evening, when we were having dinner together, I noticed that the same daughter was not in the mood to eat. As a mother, I was concerned about her health and I didn’t want her to get sick so I added food on her plate. She resisted and shouted at me. I was shocked and I immediately slapped her face. I didn’t know what came over me to punish her that way. I went to my room and cried so hard for what I did to my daughter. I felt so guilty about what happened. But I did not show her how I felt and up to now, I’ve been ignoring her because I want her to feel and realize that she’s so blessed to have food on her table and that her mother cares about her.

What should I do now? Should I talk to her or continue ignoring her until she comes to me and feels sorry for what she had done?

Shine

Dear Shine,

There are two things to your problem. One is that your daughter didn’t finish her food for some reason and the other is the unfortunate incident at the dining table, where you both forgot your place. I am amazed that you didn’t even find out why she didn’t finish her packed lunch before you reprimanded her. She must have been so hungry considering she only had P10 to spend (which is not enough to buy her a decent lunch). Sometimes, we think that just because we know what’s best for our kids they will agree it is what’s best for them. If the food is not well presented or was cooked in a way that does not agree with their taste, chances are they will forego their hunger pangs and move on with their day. There could also be a slight chance that there was a party in school where someone had a birthday or celebration and your daughter had a hearty serving. What I’m trying to drive at is for you to at least find out why she didn’t finish her baon instead of reprimanding her right away.

I know it’s a noble thing to prepare her food every day, but perhaps you can also consider setting her free with a little bit more baon and trusting her to choose the kind of food she wants to eat for lunch.

Regarding that incident at the dining table, you owe your child an apology. There should be no room for parents to violate their children and physically harm them just because they can’t force their children to do what they want. Perhaps you were seeking a bit of gratefulness on their part because of the hard work you had put in to serve your family. To desire that is valid but to demand it will result in assault, just like what happened.

Can you lovingly ask them what meals appeal to them? Is it possible for you to express your tiredness in a calmer way – without having to lash out at them for not filling up your need to be acknowledged? Perhaps you can share with them how you would want them to treat you as their mother.

Oh, I know it’s not easy, but there is a better way to a brighter day. Hope that helps.

Maricel

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E-mail me at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.