Fat sucks!

The ultrasonic waves break down your fat cells and destroy them permanently.

Where does all the dead fat go? Fat heaven?

Since I hit my tastefully late 30s, it has been a personal goal to regain the 16-year-old physique that I never had. But staying fit while you are juggling eight different jobs is as challenging as circumnavigating the carmageddon now facing EDSA.

Don’t get me wrong though, my three female readers. I still have a shape, este, I am in shape (Isn’t that what they mean when they say you’re shapely?). But as I approach an age where hair-loss prevention treatments, Lipitor and Robust Dietary Supplement for Men have become part of an active lifestyle, I have grown more and more geometrically challenged.

So I spent an afternoon being bombarded by high-frequency ultrasound waves at the For Him Clinic of Marie France for a fat-reduction and body-contouring treatment in a valiant effort to bring back shape to the shapeless. And it appears that they could not only get me into some kind of shape, but into an ultrashape.

RJ LEDESMA: Hi, Doc. Should I take off my clothes now? Or do you want me to take it all off in stages?

MARIE FRANCE MEDICAL CONSULTANT: Um… what we’re going to do today is the newest version of Ultrashape Vertical Dynamic Focus (VDF) that targets the packets of fat lang.

Grabe yan, ha. I didn’t even realize my fats had pockets. 

The (treatment) doesn’t reduce your weight, but it addresses the problematic area: the specific localized fat deposits.

It is definitely problematic if those deposits start earning interest. Doc, how can you tell which area is problematic? Visual inspection? X-ray goggles? Psychic powers?

Through visual inspection and through the pinch technique. If we can pinch the fat tissue, then you are a good candidate.

Ah, alam ko yan. My yaya uses the pinch technique on me as well. But I am not allowed to tell you what part she pinches because of the temporary gag order. But feel free to pinch doc while my yaya is not looking. 

Well, it appears to me that (the problem) is only your tummy area.

Well, there are fat deposits in other less-tasteful parts of my body, but I would like to keep them there for purposes of foreplay.

This treatment is the gold standard when it comes to non-invasive procedure for addressing localized fat deposits.

Local? Pwede ba, I’m a socialite! Wala bang imported!? After this procedure is done, will I have the physique of Marc Nelson?

Marc has six-pack abs, right? I think having six pack abs is genetic. 

Genetic? So you’re telling me it’s my dad’s fault again? First, kailangan ko na ng hairloss prevention treatments. And now you’re telling me I’ll have a genetic beer belly!? Masakit ka talaga magsalita, Doc.

Siguro you’ll get a flattened tummy.

I’ll take what I can get. I can always spray-paint a six-pack. After I undergo the treatment, do I still have to combine it with exercise? Or will my dormant six-packs spontaneously emerge?

What the treatment addresses is the stubborn fats that are resistant to exercise and diet.

Kapal talaga ng mukha ng mga fats na yan. Reminds me of some politicians I know. So can I take off my clothes now?

Um, not so fast po.  First, I have to check your medical background. I understand that you have hypercholesterol?

Well, I’m a vegetarian with unusually high cholesterol levels. I blame that on my maternal genes. Does the machine have an ancestral healing function?

To make things more holistic, I’ll be referring you to our nutritionist who will make a nutrition plan for you. 

I also have high uric acid. I think it’s because I consumed enough phytoestrogens from tofu over the past several years that I now wear a 36D cup. Can the diet help reduce my man-boobs? Or the machine? Or divine intervention?

Well, you’ll really have to reduce your fat intake then. Your diet is the first line of defense followed by exercise. Do you exercise?

I do a lot of vigorous typing.

We recommend that you exercise at least once an hour, three times a week. A hundred and fifty minutes of exercise a week is the recommended physical activity.

I text a lot, too. At may Instagram pa yan.

Any allergies?

To Flappy Bird.

Nutritional supplements? 

Does Rhino Herbal Tea count?

Do you smoke?

I’m “smoking.”

Other surgical procedures?

I’ve had some enhancements that I wanted to show you, but you keep on asking me to keep my clothes on.

(The doctor signaled me to remove my robe. Finally.) 

Doc, may CCTV ba dito? Just for posterity. So you can get my best angle. Wait Doc, why are you touching my love handles? Can’t you just touch my enhancements?

Sir, that’s not your love handles.

But that’s what my yaya calls them.  

These are your flanks. And then (right below) that is your lower abdomen. Look at yourself in the mirror, isn’t that the only thing that’s protruding?

That’s because it’s cold in this room.

So what we are going to do now is to treat this small area.

But that’s the only thing that’s small around there based on your observation, right? Why are you using a marker to draw a smiley face on my stomach, Doc?

This is the area that will be treated.

Treated to what, Doc? Ice cream?

Treated with Ultrashape.

Ah, so it’s really a focused treatment. If my lower abdomen has the political will, how long until we get rid of the informal settlers on my lower abdomen?

Even with one session, you can already see the difference. In two weeks, you can appreciate the flattening of the treated area. But you should come here at least twice a month.

So after my treatment, the only protrusion I should observe from the mirror should be the one that is involuntary? That’s great!

(The doctor took out some measuring tape and began encircling several offensive areas.)

Sir, the circumference of your abdomen is 87 centimeters, your lower abdomen is 86 cms, and your upper abdomen in 88 cms. 

I didn’t realize that I had three stomachs. If I had more, I could pass for a cow.

This is your abdominal circumference that we are going to treat. This is where you’ll notice the circumferential reduction around the area that we marked. 

(The nurse makes me lie down on a treatment bed as the doctor pulls out the machine that makes my fat jiggle in fear.)

This machine has two technologies: The radio frequency and integrated vacuum. We will do the radio frequency first to enhance the effect of the ultrasound.

Is the radio frequency AM or FM? And how does the vacuum work? Will you stick it into one of my least pleasurable orifices to suck out the fat?

The (radio frequency and vacuum work simultaneously) is for the treatment to hit the superficial and the deeper layer. You will really feel (the treatment).  

That should work pretty well for me. My wife always calls me superficial.

The radio frequency is a preparatory (treatment) will help the localized area experience the maximum effect (of the Ultrasound). 

Whoa, what is the nurse slathering my stomach with!? It’s making me contract inappropriately.

She’s placing refrigerated “coupling” gel on the treatment area so that the affected area will shrink.

I hope that’s the only area that will shrink.

The radio frequency with vacuum will feel like a “sucking” effect.

A “sucking effect”? Wait ha, I might have to ask my wife’s permission before continuing with the treatment. But is this sucking the fat, Doc?

It heats the area. It draws the water to the treatment area to make it more susceptible for the ultrasound waves (in the succeeding treatment).

It’s a bit warm. What’s creating the heat?

The radio frequency.

Baka the radio frequency is picking up Boys Night Out.

Sir, by they way, we have to shave off your hair in the localized area. 

Why? Am I not already aesthetically pleasing down there?

So that your hair will not impede the sound waves of the transducer from the ultrasound treatment.

But my hair down there has always served as my first line of defense.

If you have hair (in the localized area), the (ultrasound treatment) will feel very hot.

Hmmm, my dad’s head must be pretty receptive to ultrasound then. Sige nga, but please just shave within the treatment area. If you accidentally shave in areas outside of the smiley face, that might cause some marital problems. 

Sir, we are now doing a real-time, 3D mapping of the contour of the localized area (of your stomach). This makes sure we deliver the acoustic energy completely and uniformly in the affected areas and that we don’t backtrack to the same area again.

I didn’t realize my stomach required its own cartography. It must mean the world to you guys. It looks like you’ve marked several hundred of my fat cells for assassination.

Those are actually markers to program the machine to blast away the fat cells in your tummy area. This ultrasound machine actually has two heads. 

I would like to crack a joke now, but I’m worried that you might shave off more stomach hair.

These are called transducer heads. The bigger transducer head can treat both the shallow and deep layers of fat. But since we are treating (what is considered) a smaller area, we will use the smaller head. 

I’ll take whatever head I can get.

The ultrasonic waves break down your fat cells and destroys them permanently.

Permanently? My goodness, then allow me a moment to mourn for them. Kahit salbahe yung mga fat cells na yan, they’ve been with me since before I had pubic hair.

But without any damage to the surrounding blood vessels, skin, muscle, bone and nerves.  

Where does all the dead fat go? Fat heaven?

From there, the broken down cells are liquefied and absorbed into your white blood cells, which are then eliminated through the body’s natural processes.

I am pretty adept with elimination.

(As the machine began to systematically pound away at my stomach 543 times, I almost thought that I could hear my fat screaming. On top of my own screaming.)

Sir, after your treatment, would you like us to apply powder on the affected area?

No thank you. I don’t want to give my wife the wrong impression about this treatment. If she sees powder on my affected area, it might affect my other areas. 

* * *

I actually feel a lot lighter down there (and it’s not just because they shaved off most of my stomach hair). I actually have slimmed down a tad in the affected area (and now only protrude where it counts) And I actually feel more confident removing my shirt in public without being prompted. (Ask me to take off my shirt the next time you see me in public. The first time’s for free.) And who knows? One day, when Marc Nelson has one too many cups of extra rice and his pandesals turn into monay, ABS-CBN might be on the lookout for his replacement on Sports Unlimited. And I’ll be waiting to audition, with a flattened stomach. Na may smiley face pa.

* * *

For comments, suggestions or extra stomach hair, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com. Follow @rjled on Twitter and @rjled610 on Instagram. 

Call 894-2639 for a free consultation on Ultrashape.