Absolut insanity
Bjorn Olsson traveled half-way around the world to serve me an Absolut cocktail.
That’s because Bjorn is the beverage consultant and international brand ambassador for Absolut Vodka. His job has got to be one of the most sought-after professions next to teen pop star, multi-titled boxing champ with the hair style of a teen pop star, and military comptroller.
Using his incredible powers of diplomacy, Ambassador Bjorn sat down for some vodka on the rocks, some cocktails and several hundred bathroom breaks at Café Republiq in Resorts World while he explained to me his Absolut plans for world domination
Oh Bjoy, Oh Bjoy
RJ LEDESMA: Bjorn, before the alcohol takes over my ability to express coherent thoughts, I must know one thing: What you have you Swedes done to the letter “J” in your alphabet? Why does it sound like the letter “Y”? Is this some sort of conspiracy?
BJORN OLSSON: In the Swedish alphabet, there are three letters that the English alphabet doesn’t have.
Really? The English alphabet must be feeling pretty inadequate at the moment.
The English alphabet lacks the letter “A” with a circle on top (å). This is pronounced “Ooooo.” Then the letter “A” with two dots on top (ä), that’s pronounced “Eh.” And “O” with two dots on top (ö), that’s (Untranslatable as far as my limited English alphabet mind is concerned – RJ’s note). Like in Björn Börg.
So aside from adding hieroglyphics to the English alphabet, what are the additional contributions of Sweden to world culture? Apart from Abba.
Apart from Abba? Absolut Vodka, of course! (Laughs)
I never would have guessed.
Then there are also other music groups like Europe and Roxette.
“It must have been love.”
And Sweden is also famous for creativity, innovation and technology. We have phones from Ericcson, furniture from Ikea, cars from Volvo, and in cinema you have Greta Garbo and Ingrid Bergman.
I’m not sure if all the contributions to world culture can make up for what the Swedes have done to the letter “Y.” But thank you for the music.
Drinking To The Top
So you steadily made your way up from bartender to International Brand Ambassador for Absolut Vodka. What is your secret origin and how many liver transplants have you been responsible for?
(Laughs) I did start off as a bartender and I still do bartending work every now and then. While I was bartending, I was also teaching bartending. While I was teaching, the folks from Absolut Vokda asked me to make some cocktail recipes and presentations to guests who visited the plant in Ahus. One thing led to another, and they eventually hired me also for their international assignments.
So getting people drunk has really paved the way for your career.
By making a lot of drinks and teaching other people how to make drinks, that’s how it started, not necessarily by making people drunk. (Laughs)
Since you’ve been mixing drinks for so many years, has all the alcohol you’ve imbibed caused the pickling of any of your body parts?
You’ll have to ask my doctor about that. (Laughs) The thing is I make a lot of drinks but I don’t drink a lot myself because I am a very careless man and hand them out to other people (Laughs bartenderly)
You’re a very charitable man, Bjorn.
I like to give the message of how to enjoy Absolut vodka in very any different ways. And, like everyone else, I like to enjoy my vodka in moderation. I prefer quality before quantity.
That’s the same way I feel when I listen to Abba. Chiquitita is more than enough for me.
Getting Around
For the liquor-challenged among us who fear to venture beyond beer and lambanog and lighter fluid, what exactly is the place of vodka in the world of liquor?
Vodka is a white fluid compared to a brown fluid like cognac, because it has spent many years in oak casks. Absolut is the ideal base for mixing cocktails because of its versatility. Remember that cocktails are all about combining flavors. And when you combine a strong and powerful base like Absolut with your favorite fruits or beverages, it can make an excellent cocktail for any occasion. It can be enjoyed in so many different ways.
Absolut is such a promiscuous drink. Now what makes Absolut different from the other vodkas out there? Does Thor, the Norse god of Thunder, send down his thunderbolts to purify the white liquid during the production process? And does Thor sit on Absolut’s board of directors?
Absolut Vodka is always made from the winter wheat grown in Ahus, a small town in Southern Sweden. Centuries of experience have shown that winter wheat produces a superior type of vodka. Also, you need a lot of water in making vodka. The water used in making Absolut comes from a deep waterwell in Ahus. This is the Absolut one source concept, one distillery, one big wheat field, one deep well.
“One drink to rule them all.”
And from that once source we make 10 million cases a year. That’s more than half a million bottles a day.
Ten million cases of Absolut!? Wow, consumption of that much vodka must partly explain the popularity of Abba. For those of who want to be more cultured than bacteria, can you educate us on how to appreciate a good vodka?
If you are “tasting” vodka, you are supposed to “nose” it.
I’m not sure if that is something my wife would approve of.
When you “nose” it, try to see if it has a light aroma. Next is “mouth feel.” You need to “feel” if the vodka is full, complex and fills the whole mouth. Next, you need to look for the texture, the smoothness and the character. If it is an Absolut vodka, then it has a unique grainy character that comes from the winter wheat.
Wow, I don’t know if my mouth is cultured enough to distinguish all that. I already have difficulty distinguishing between Coke Light and Coke Zero.
Meanwhile, when you have a vodka cocktail, what you should look for is a balance between aroma and taste and between sweet and sour.
The only drinks that I know how to mix are those where you need to add ice and sugar. Speaking of which, what is probably the most bizarre cocktail that you have come up with?
I wouldn’t exactly call it bizarre, but I like making the old classics with a little twist. Take some vodka, lemon juice, sugar syrup and balsamic vinegar. Shake it in a cocktail glass and place cheese on the rim of the glass.
That’s brilliantly twisted! You can make cocktails with anything! I’ve got a bottle of fermented shrimp paste that is begging for your magical touch. In the meantime, I have phone-in question from one of my No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) fans:
NGSB FAN: Sir Bjorn, in the theoretical event that I ever go out on a date, what type of cocktails should I offer to her? The type of cocktails that will not have me arrested by the police?
BJORN: The type of cocktails that you offer your date depends on the occasion. If you offer her a drink before dinner, you should have drier cocktails.
After dinner, you invite her to some sweeter cocktails. At midnight, after hitting the dance, you need to offer her something that is really refreshing, sparkling and thirst-quenching.
NGSB FAN: Like my idol’s favorite drink, Royal Tru-Orange?
BJORN: But if a guy really wants to impress a girl, he should not give her too much alcohol. Try to make her drink water after every other cocktail so she doesn’t get intoxicated too quick.
NGSB FAN: How can I convince her that I am the one for her if she is still in control of her faculties!? Thanks for nothing, Sir Bjorn!
Sorry about that, Bjorn. All his scenarios with an imaginary date always involve some degree of subterfuge. But Royal Tru-Orange is really a great, refreshing drink that even helped subsidize my high school education. And, finally, this is a question that only a man with years of bartending experience can answer: What is the best way to get rid of a hangover?
Drink less the night before.
Maybe after a couple of cocktails, that answer will make sense.
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