Waiting in vain

Do you dream of having pectoral muscles that could crush chestnuts without having to do a single bench press? Do you dream of abdominals that could give Marc Nelson an inferiority complex without having to do a single sit-up? Do you dream of having the chiseled jaw and strong cheekbones that only reconstructive surgery can buy?

Then continue dreaming some more.

But for the hopeless rest of us who have tried everything — from herbal supplements, radiofrequency treatments to steamrollers — to coax out our abdominals from underneath our love handles, there is still hope. And that hope is bottled up in a spray-tanning can.

With the spritz of a spray-gun, an airbrush tanning sculptor defines my well-hidden masculinity.

OPTIMUS PRIMER

PHILIPPINE STAR: So, what’s the first step towards sun-in-a-can-kissed goodness? How long will it take to bronze me for posterity? 

BIANCA VALERIO: First, we’re going to apply a primer on your body. The primer is like a base that makes the tanning solution adhere to your skin much better. Apart from that, the primer still removes whatever particles of dead skin that weren’t washed away by your shower. 

Hay naku. I told all those yayas that they needed to spend several more minutes hosing down those crevices. But why are you patting my legs down with a fluffy glove? Is direct contact with my skin toxic?

While I am putting the primer on you, I am also sloughing away some other oils. We are just super-prepping your body for the tanning solution.

Just make sure to pat appropriately. My wife throws a mean right hook. So it’s like you are preparing the canvas?

That’s right! I’m here to make the bonggang bongga (over the top) canvas.

You can use sandpaper to slough my bonggang bongga canvas, as long I resemble Michelangelo’s “David” when this is all done. I’ll bleed for my art. 

(And with the whirr of an eight-horsepower engine, the stylist blasted me with a pressurized spray that started to bongga-nize my lower extremities.)  

And just what are you bongga-nizing me with? Will it also bongga-nize the paint job on my car?

I’m spraying DHA, which is actually a colorless tanning agent made from sugarcane. DHA is actually a component found in our bodies. It is non-toxic and cannot be absorbed by the body.

So I will not only be tan, but I will also be sugar-glazed as well. Won’t that give my wife cavities?

The DHA only reacts to the top layer of your skin. It reacts by emitting a color that is based on the PH levels of your skin. In that way, your tan will look natural and customized to your own natural skin tone. That means that the shade of the tan on your skin will not be the same shade of tan on someone else’s skin because we all have different PH levels.

I see. So that means after this spray tan is over, the top layer of my skin will either resemble that of Derek Ramsay or that of a kumquat.

TAN TARANTAN TANAAAA!!!

(It was only after the stylist had sprayed me with enough DHA that I could pass myself off as a Krispy Kreme donut when the actual tanning could start. She asked me to stand with one leg in front of the other and bend my knee ever so slightly so it would appear as if I was lunging forward. Apparently, when you get spray-tanned, you must do it in an action-oriented pose.)

I want to emphasize that, as an artist who does airbrush tanning and sculpting, I am only sculpting what the body already has. I am not trying to create something that’s not there. I am only enhancing what is already there.  

I’m glad you are good at what you do because you would not have a successful career in politics.

(During the first few minutes of the spray-tan, I was giddy with excitement, and it was not just because I had to use the toilet. After five minutes, I was on giddy overload. After 10 minutes, I was on giddy recovery. After 15 minutes, I had to use the toilet.)

Now just how much longer is this going to take? Can’t you achieve greatness in under 15 minutes? I have several hundred imaginary fans waiting to see me bongga. We can’t keep them waiting too long or else they will defect back to the Derek Ramsey Fan Club.

Relax, relax. We can’t see any color at the start. So you will become darker and darker as the hours go by. Remember: the vain don’t complain.

(Sighs) As long as the vain gets to go shirtless in Boracay.  So when you are done, how long will it take for the tan to settle on my skin? Do I have to be half-naked the whole night after the tan has settled? Not that I mind... 

(We do. – RJ’s wife and yaya in unison.)

It’s best to wear really loose clothing that’s dark in color as it could stain your clothing since the tanning solution hasn’t fully developed yet. For example, if the garter of your shorts is too tight, it might make bakat (leave an impression) on your tan.

That is good advice for life as well. So how long should it be until I take my next shower?

I suggest that you don’t shower for at least 12 hours. For some people, it will take about six to eight hours for the color to develop on your skin. But for the tanning solution to really set well take a good 12 hours.

Arrgh, I don’t know if my inner bronze god can wait that long. And how long will the spray tan last until I lose my godhood?

Well, it depends on certain things. It depends on how often you take a bath. In some European countries, the spray tan is such a rave because it can last up to almost a month. Because for some in Europe, it is so cold that they don’t really take a bath every day.

Daily showers be damned! The victory of aesthetics over hygiene, I say.

But normally a tan can last from three up to 14 days. The most important thing about an airbrushed tan is...

Wearing strong perfume?

Moisturizing. Use a moisturizing soap when you shower to keep your skin fully hydrated and also moisturize after your shower. Why? Because when you moisturize, you are preventing dead skin from flaking off your body. Since the tanning solution tints your dead skin, you want to keep that intact. 

Moisturize? Moisturize!? That’s a bit too much, don’t you think? I don’t even condition my hair!

Remember what I told you earlier, RJ? The vain don’t complain.

(Whines) Do I really have to moisturize? Can’t you just spray a thin layer or rugby over my spray tan instead? The victory of aesthetics over safety, I say.

SHAPE IT UP

(And after bongga-nizing my extremities, the stylist had finally arrived at the holy grail: my stomach. It appeared that the stylist had some sort of messianic complex: She was going to multiply one pandesal into six.) 

When you are spray-tanned, your body will appear as if it is more toned. Even your stomach will look more toned.

(In the distance, a heavenly chorus starts to belt out Handel’s “Messiah”)

But I am not God. I have to work with something. I mean, there are some men who have no hope for abs. I have to be frank and tell them,

“Darling, who are we kidding? There’s nothing I can work with.”

Baka naman (Maybe) you can draw the six-pack abs on other parts of their body. Para sulit naman yung bayad (So that the spray-tanning will be worth it).

But for you, don’t worry. It’s promising. It’s very promising.

That’s the same thing my manager said about my career in showbiz.

For the spray-tanning to work around your abs, you have to have some type of contour.

Can’t that contour be concave? 

Let’s see.  I am going to ask you to flex your stomach so that I can see where your contours are.

You mean my contours aren’t that obvious yet? Can’t you see the stenciled lines?

(So, as I have practiced thousands in front of my banyo’s full-length mirror, I gritted my teeth, pursed my lips, inhaled deeply and tried not look constipated.)

(Laughs) No, no. You don’t suck in your stomach. You flex your stomach. Make it hard.

What!? This is not flexing my stomach!? You mean thousands of hours in front of the full-length mirror were for naught!?

Flex just a little, just a little.

A little is all I can flex.

(After 15 minutes of grunting, moaning and passing gas, I used sheer force of will to re-direct my blood flow towards my abdomen. And you will realize that — if you try hard enough — you can flex fat.)

Are we done yet? My theoretical six-pack abs are being held hostage.

We are almost done. Remember, the vain don’t complain.

Don’t you understand the pressure that I’m under!? I can feel my imaginary fan base quickly dissipating as quickly as trust in the Supreme Court!

It’s time to work on your arms. We are going to work on defining those deltoids. 

I don’t really need it, but why not?

Most men already have deltoids, the merely need them to surface.

If you insist.

(Three hours after high definition was achieved around my arms, the stylist blasted away at my obliques — the politically correct term for love handles — to give the impression of a smaller waist. Then she worked her way up to my collarbones. She asked me to roll my shoulders forward, to flex — not, suck, flex — and to chug down n energy drink to channel my inner Batista — or for those who require ‘80s pop culture references, my inner Hulk Hogan. “Amazing,” I thought as she spray-painted my clavicle. “She worked on my abs, she worked on my deltoids, she worked on m oblique and she worked on my collarbones. This stylist was better than any gym trainer I ever had.”) 

Are we done yet? Product endorsements are waiting.

We are, finally, going to work on your face.

Okay. But I am not too sure just how to flex my face. 

We will make your jaw and your cheekbones more chiseled. Since the shape of your face is a bit round, I recommend to add a bit more contour. 

Can I recommend that you make me look more like Derek Ramsay? Or I can settle for John Lloyd Cruz? Or even Rayver Cruz?

* * *

The stylist asked me to close my eyes as she began to spray the final solution on my face. I smiled to myself, knowing that I would soon become a staple in Ricky Lo’s “Entertainment” column.

Five minutes and several decades of the luminous mysteries later, the stylist announced that her masterpiece was done.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw the spitting image of Derek Ramsay staring back at me. My jaw dropped. Then I shuffled to the left of my life-size Derek Ramsay poster and looked at the full-length mirror.

“Not too shabby,” I thought. “The Belo Medical group can’t say no to me at this rate.” I had been bongga-nized beyond recognition. There were muscles that were where they should have always been. There were muscles where I only dreamed that should be. And there are some muscles where medical science never thought they should ever be. My newfound musculature would be studied by art patrons, conspiracy theorists and my three female readers for decades to come.

“Now, just remember,” she admonished while taking a blow-dryer to cement my veneer of newfound bronze godhood. “For the spray-tan to settle on your skin, there must be no serious physical activity for the next two to four hours.”

I furrowed my newfound bronze godhood brows. “Now, when you say no serious physical activity, I presume that this does not include my church-prescribed marital duties?”

She shook her head and waved her index finger in the air: “Remember, the vain abstain.”

And that is when I finally understood the true meaning of Lent.

* * *

For airbush sunless tanning and sculpting services, visit www.Biancavalerio.com or email Bianca_valerio@yahoo.com. Bianca also offers airbrush, high definition and black and white photo makeup services as well.

For comments, suggestions, or if you want to learn how to flex, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. You can also subscribe to twitter.com/rjled610.