What kind of buffet diner are you?

The fundamentals of basic survival makes it so that the acquisition of food is one of the most essential preoccupations among humans. Cultures, societies and civilizations have been formed and developed over eons of evolution based on different techniques on how to fill our bellies. Even primordial art was food-centric — note all the buffalo paintings on cave walls. We humans have moved on from being hunters and gatherers, pushed forward by the Neolithic revolution, in which agriculture was a catalyst for societal structure, politics, language and the arts. Even now, our lives tend to revolve around the meals we have or even where our next plate will come from.

In today’s paradoxical world of abundance combined with difficult access for many, eating habits have evolved. I have spent one whole week, during my stint at the Dusit Thani, hovering around the buffet from morning till evening observing the different kinds of people and how they react to this non-stop overflowing access to food. Like a scientist from National Geographic, camouflaged beneath my chef’s hat, lingering behind chafing dishes and well-arranged platters of hors d’oeuvres, I watched as my fellow tribesmen attacked, picked at or scorned the bountiful offerings. Today I shall give a rundown of the different kinds of species I have discovered. In which category do you belong?

Homo Structurious: The Homo Structurious likes to keep things structured, orderly and disciplined. He goes through the traditional cycle of fine dining eating, observing the logical cycle of “appetizer, main course and dessert.” He takes small plates at the salad bar and a cup of soup, eats this before going back to make a round of the main dishes. When he is satisfied, he goes back to pick a few cakes and sweets and relishes them with some coffee or tea. Some even go so far as to distinguish the fish and seafood from the poultry and meats, taking care that none of the sauces get mixed up on the plate. Logical and somewhat boring, the Homo Structurious is actually quite a rarity and often goes unnoticed.

Homo Strategicus: A close cousin of the Homo Structurious, this species thinks ahead before attacking. Somewhat like a hawk circling around his prey, he makes one quick round of the buffet, his beady eyes zoning in on the most expensive items there. Then he swoops in rather quickly and deftly, ignoring the foliage and starches, plunging down to stab at the prawns, oysters, lamb chops, roast duck and that deliciously glossy prime rib hiding under heating lamps. The Homo Strategicus is a buffet’s worst nightmare: too many of them will make the whole eat-all-you can deal completely non-profitable.

Homo Finickus: This species is more often than not female. She’s usually very slim and seemingly uncomfortable about being surrounded by so much food. It makes you even wonder if she was forced to eat there. Her brow furrows in frustration at all the heavily sauced dishes, either in longing or distaste, and she quickly fills a small dessert plate with some lettuce leaves and maybe some sushi before slinking back to her table. Heaven forbid she eats the vegetables! They’re buttered! They are necessary, however, for the balance of the fragile buffet eco-system as they help counter the strategic eating habits of Homo Strategicus.

Homo Complainaris and Homo Discountus: The Homo Complainaris is a very interesting and somewhat aggressive species. He tends to fill his plate and yet, despite the multitude of variety, he still asks for things that aren’t there. “How come there’s no fish curry? Can’t you make a special sauce? I would rather have strawberries than mango on my crepe.” They are also often lacking in the “please” and “thank you” magic words department. His relative, Homo Discountus, is constantly trying to pull out all sorts of cards, short of the driver’s license or his S&R membership card to get a discount. He is many times more good-natured than the Homo Complainaris, as he is trying to sweet talk the staff into taking 10 to 20 percent off his bill.

Homo Mountainensis and Homo Paranoius: The Homo Mountainensis has a penchant for building little mountains on their plate, paying no attention to what food group they have piled on top of each other. This species has his salad topped with lasagna, chicken tikka masala, beef stew, Oysters Rockefeller, sautéed chili shrimp, roast duck rolls, prime rib with gravy and, of course, a huge heaping of rice. His aim is to get as much as he can on one go and then go back as often as he can. Reminiscent of the Allosaurus Dinosaur, he tries to eat all items in the buffet food chain at once. Some even go so far as to having the chocolate cake on the same plate. This attitude stems from one of two things: genuinely loving to eat and getting a bang for his buck, or from a constant fear na “mauubusan” or “they might run out.” Hence his cousin, Homo Paranoius, who tries to get everything in one massive haul of food, piling things as high as he can on as many plates he can carry. Sometimes they place some items secretively in a napkin and stuff them in their jackets or bags.

These very amusing observations has made me come up with a few tips for buffet eating and etiquette, to make sure you get your fill without exploding your stomach, making your cholesterol shoot up or even just getting your money’s worth.

1. Take your time to make a round and look for what is most appealing to you.

2. No need to hoard! Always remember that most buffets are made so that it doesn’t run out. If it does and you’re well within buffet opening hours, you have every right to complain.

3. Try to follow the actions of the Homo Structurious to avoid bellyaches. Just because everything is there all at once, it doesn’t mean you have to eat it all at once.

4. Eat slowly! Eating is a social custom, keep the conversation going with your buddies and don’t drown yourself in the plate.

5. There are many plates available: no need to make mountains and have gravy mixing with curry and lemon butter sauce… that’s the best recipe for indigestion!

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