A good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet. Truman Capote

What comes to mind the first time you hear the term “crucial conversation”? Do you visualize images of government leaders seated around an enormous table while they ponder the future of the Philippines’ claim on the Spratly Islands?  Or of the College of Cardinals in a conclave as they elect the new Pope? Or of the interface between political candidates and their respective constituencies? Undoubtedly, these discussions have an expansive and long-term impact, but the critical dialogues referred to in the international bestseller Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High, authored by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, are interactions that everyone experiences  the day-to-day conversations that impinge on your existence.

In its most basic form, a conversation happens when the first person speaks while the second person listens, and then the second person speaks while the first person listens. This is called turn taking  where you take turns speaking, and you take turns listening. The book defines crucial conversations as significant talks that require tough decision-making that will have vital consequences. They are characterized by varying opinions, excessive wagers, and strong emotions from those engaged in the process.

In business and life, some common crucial conversations can include ending a relationship, talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments, asking a friend to repay a loan, approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies, critiquing a colleague’s work, asking a roommate to move out, resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse, dealing with a rebellious teen, talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments, discussing problems with sexual intimacy, confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem, talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources, giving an unfavorable performance review, asking in-laws to quit interfering, and talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem.

Understanding what the dialogue is all about and the free flow of words, signs or symbols and their meanings are key to crucial conversations. When you face them, you can do one of three things: avoid them, confront them and handle them inadequately, or meet them head-on and get a grip on them. But as luck would have it, the more crucial the conversation is, the less likely you are to handle it well.

Silence and violence are common dialogue traps. “Silence is retreating into your inner self and refusing to deal with a situation, while violence is responding with explosive anger,” the authors reveal. Thus, it is always best to respond by speaking honestly, as you maintain your wellbeing, and no one is pulled into a shouting match. As Dr. Laurence J. Peter warns, “Speak when you are angry  and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”  The tome’s authors shared specific principles and skills to master your crucial conversations.  Here are some useful takeaways:

Start with your heart and stay focused on what you really want. To break away from silence and violence, you have to change your behavior.  The first thing you need to look at is yourself, by examining your personal role in any problem you encounter. The next is to check your motive and effect change in your motive, by candidly asking, “What do I really want?” While it’s true that sometimes we are caught in a genuine dilemma with only two bad options, most of the time we do have healthy alternatives.

Observe when safety is at risk. When a conversation turns crucial, it can be either you missed or misinterpreted the early warning signs. The sooner you notice you’re not on stream, the quicker you can get back to the dialogue, and the lower the chance of breakdown. This is no easy task, but learn to look for signs of silence and violence, watch your and the other person’s actions and emotions, as you pay attention to both the content of the discussion and how people are acting and feeling.

Make talking about almost anything safe. When things go awry in crucial conversations, you may assume that the content of your message is the culprit, so you begin to water it down or avoid it altogether. But as long as your intent is pure and you learn how to make it safe for people you’re in dialogue with, you can talk to almost anyone about anything and everything. There are two things you can do. First, demonstrate that you care about their best interests and goals as much as yours  the mutual purpose. Second, make it evident that you care about them  show mutual respect. When people believe both these aspects, they loosen up, feel safe and as such, absorb with greater ease what you’re saying. The moment they don’t believe and trust you, safety breaks down and silence or violence ensues. You must restore mutual purpose and respect safety if you want to restore safety in the face of silence or violence.

Stay in dialogue even when you’re angry, scared, or hurt. When you are upset, your most common reaction is to defend yourself and place the blame on someone else. It may seem easy to hold other people responsible for pushing your buttons and causing you to become upset, but it’s not entirely accurate. The key to how you feel lies in the stories you tell. As you become emotional, your story takes a turn for the worse, and becomes spiteful. To cut loose from your unstable emotions, you must take a second or third look at the statements you made and the judgments you passed. You need to relay stories that are more accurate and more complete to return to the dialogue, create new feelings and support new and healthier actions.

Speak persuasively, not abrasively. Speak your mind with self-assurance, confidence and humility. This allows room for dialogue, where you get to express your views in ways that maintain safety. Know how to present your views without being offensive, and how to be persuasive without being abrasive. Pick up the five skills that can allow for a more efficient conversation  share your facts, tell your story, ask for others’ paths, talk tentatively, and encourage testing.

Listen when others blow up or clam up. As you see others move to silence or violence  stay in dialogue as you encourage them to share the entire journey towards a mutually positive action. Encourage them to show you their feelings and share their stories. When others go to silence or violence, actively explore their path. Exploring helps others move away from insensitive feelings and hasty retorts, and toward the root causes of those feelings and reactions. It also helps curb your own defensive response, and takes you to the only place where feelings can be resolved  the facts and story behind the emotions.

Turn crucial conversations into action and results. The ultimate goal of dialogue is not just to create a healthy climate or even a clear understanding between parties. While both are helpful outcomes, both fall short of the real purpose  to get unstuck by taking the appropriate action. If you don’t take action, all the healthy talk in the world is for nothing and will eventually lead to disappointment and hard feelings. Always agree on when and how follow-up will occur. Regardless of the method or frequency, follow-up is critical in creating action. There is no accountability if there is no opportunity to account for action. Document your work, believing that records of the important decisions made after difficult dialogues and the next steps agreed upon support effective teams and healthy relationships. Good teams revisit these documents to follow up on both the decisions and the commitments. When someone fails to keep a commitment, candidly and directly discuss the issue with the individual. As you do so, everyone benefits in two ways. First, you increase the motivation and ability of the individual to do better. Second, you develop a culture of integrity in the team or relationship letting everyone know that keeping commitments is an important value.

 Put it all the preparation and learning tools together. Make dialogue tools and skills memorable and usable. If you first learn to recognize when safety is at risk and a conversation becomes crucial and you need to take steps to make it safe for everyone to contribute his or her meaning, you can begin to see where to apply the skills you’ve learned. Using these tools and reminders will get you started in mastering the skills that help you improve your crucial conversations.

Turn ideas into habits. Four principles for turning ideas into action can be useful. First, master the content. Learn to recognize what works and why, and how to break away from scripts, or pre-bundled phrases used in common conversations. Instead generate new scripts of your own. Second, master the skills. Understanding a concept isn’t enough. While it’s helpful, even necessary to talk the talk, you also have to be able to walk the walk. You have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions. Third, enhance your motive. You must want to change. You have to move from a passive sense that it would be a good idea to change, to an active desire to seek opportunities. Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped. Fourth, watch for cues. To overcome surprise emotion and scripts, you must recognize the call to action. This is usually people’s biggest obstacle to change. If a problem doesn’t cue your new skills, you’ll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new.

A good conversation  casual or crucial  is good communication. And “good communication, according to Anne Morrow Lindbergh in Flight From the Sea, “is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.”

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