Ma’am, may I go out?

They say that everything you really need to know in life, you learned in kindergarten. I have to say that under my kindergarten teacher, I missed out on one major lesson (or I might have been absent the day she taught it). And what lesson is this? It’s Lesson No. 1: What to say when you need to go to the bathroom.

For some reason, I don’t seem to remember asking my kindergarten teacher for permission to go to the loo. I think it’s because there was a bathroom adjacent to our classroom. I guess you would really need to do it that way if you were running a joint where 100 percent of your attendees don’t have full control of their toilet urges. So when I was in kindergarten, it was simple – I just stood up and went to the adjacent bathroom.

The following year, when I moved up to prep, I transferred to a new school. This time, there were lots of students – and the school couldn’t afford to have a bathroom in every classroom. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway. One day, I suddenly found myself needing desperately to go to the bathroom in the middle of class. I started to break into a cold sweat. My teacher was busy telling us the intricacies of determining which numbers are odd and which numbers are even – and it was getting to be interesting. But then – uh-oh! Darn it – I had to go!

"This is going to be embarrassing," I told myself. The whole class had their full attention to the "teacher." I couldn’t hold it much longer. Finally, when I was about to explode, I summoned enough courage to stand up in the middle of the lecture and went towards my beleaguered teacher, and in front of the whole class, I held my crotch and bent forward, grimacing in utter discomfort and pain. My teacher was stunned for around three seconds. And so were my classmates. I mean, there they were, happily learning a whole new world of odd and even numbers, and out of nowhere, this looney (me) was standing in front of them, grasping his "Little Mr. Happy" with a contorted face. The teacher asked me, "O, what?" I just stared at her. I didn’t know what to say. Then the teacher, adding more injury to my already bruised ego, turned to the class and said, "OK, class, what do you say when you want to go to the bathroom?" And in unison, the entire class shouted at me, "Ma’am, may I go out?" And, with an embarrassed look, I asked my teacher sheepishly, "Ma’am, may I go out?" She said, "Go!" and so I walked out.

I was so embarrassed that when I got to the bathroom, I ended up not using it. The shame somehow squashed the urge to go. I just sat on the toilet seat – depressed that I didn’t even know how to ask for permission to go to the bathroom. I swear that to this day, I still suffer the psychological repercussions of that traumatic incident.

You know what amazes me though? Because of that experience, I have learned to become more vocal about what I feel. And I guess that shows in my articles. If you’ve been following my column (and I know there are at least three of you out there), by now, you probably know that I like to express myself on certain issues. And right now, with the way things are in our country, I am reminded of that traumatic experience because most of us are going through a similar experience. Not that we all need to go to the bathroom. But we all want to get out of this country. And we are all grimacing in pain, holding our empty bellies, wanting to tell the President, "Ma’am, may we go out?" Out of the country, that is.

You know it’s easy to blame the country’s woes on the President and the government. We, as a people, always have an excuse: We’re not getting anywhere because of the President, we are not going anywhere because of the government. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We like to blame our miseries on someone – and since the President is supposedly the boss of everyone, she should take the blame.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not about to defend her or her government. I too have my issues – and I’m not exactly ecstatic over the economic and security problems we’re going through. But isn’t it about time that we all shut up for once and just worked hard? I mean, sure, make a comment when you have a point to make. But hey, if that’s all you do, chances are, you’re part of the problem. Because you’re too busy complaining, you don’t have time to do anything productive. If you’re just going to blame people for your miseries, my suggestion is this – just leave. If you’re just going to shout out loud that there’s a problem ALL the time but you’re not offering a solution, maybe it is better that you get out of the country. In fact – let me suggest a place? The Beltway Area, USA. And go to a Home Depot there and have coffee in open air cafes. That should be a sobering experience for you. Imagine how they felt before the serial snipers were arrested.

The point I am driving at is this: Sure, this is not a heavenly place. But you know what, there are worse places you can be in right now. So stop complaining and just do the best you can in the situation that you are currently in. Now I’m not saying that we just sit down and just take whatever the government is doing. By all means, we should definitely be on our toes and play the role of fiscalizers. But if all you do is mope, complain, and debate over issues, nothing will ever happen. On the other hand, if you put up a small food stall and hire an employee, that’s one less unemployed person and chances are you’re doing more good to the country than all those people who are just babbling their lives away and complaining about the state of the country.

To the government – I am easy to please – all I ask for the meantime is this: Could you, at the very least, please improve the state of our public toilets? Just the basics – toilet paper and a working flush. That’s all.

OK, enough griping for me – time to do my share in world!

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Thanks for your letters – you may e-mail me at rodnepo@yahoo.com