Haute horoscopes

MANILA, Philippines - Mercury is in retrograde from tomorrow until July 1. Don’t even pretend you’re not freaking out about it right now. If your forecast from Tita Susan wasn’t to your liking, maybe our resident astrologer can make the stars align in your favor.

Aries

Over the last couple of months, the full moon, Mercury in retrograde and planets going up against Uranus rubbed you the wrong way, love, money and work-wise. There is no escaping the fluctuations of the universe, and this month, though much easier, will not be different. You will have to keep your cool as usual. You are easily ignited — excited or angered, and this is not a good trait to have during back-to-school season. Stay away from bookstores, stay away from Forever 21 or you will be sorry, if not making somebody else sorry they dared to invade your personal space. Frankly, you also need to adjust your idea of personal space. Sometimes touching is good.

Leo

You may have your attention-whoring tendencies, dear Leo, but that bodycon dress with the cutouts — cutouts, cringefest! — with those hooker heels? Girl, you don’t want to be caught dead in that. Yeah, you’re in the spotlight…for looking like Paris Hilton circa a decade ago. You can’t blame bad taste on Mercury being in retrograde, okay? Any compliments you’re getting for that getup are likely coming from really greasy sleazeballs who would never be in your league if you were dressed better. And you deserve better, right?

Sagittarius

Last month’s full moon took its toll on you, but you can breathe easy now because June will be a little kinder. Not that this is likely to matter to you, because your hope-for-the-best attitude and generally optimistic vibe mean that nothing ever shakes your cool. Your forward-thinking tendencies mean that you’re likely already 10 steps ahead of us — and ahead of Normcore, bless you — so 1. I don’t think you need my advice because what you’re wearing right now is likely to pop up next Fashion Week (and I don’t mean Philippine Fashion Week), and 2. you’re so flighty and indifferent, you wouldn’t care if I gave you any, anyway.

Gemini

It’s your birthday month, and with a sudden influx of funds (thanks, Daddy) comes the sudden urge to spend it all on pretty things. Dear Gemini, with Mercury in retrograde, snap purchases are probably not the best idea. With your tendency to always be of two minds about everything, what you fall in love with in the store, you’re likely to loathe within a half hour of stepping out of it. Reconsider. (This advice is also very applicable to the guy you’re likely to meet at Gramercy this weekend. Your beer goggles and your loneliness are affecting your judgment; now is not the time to be impulsive.)

Libra

While it may seem that Mercury in retrograde has hit your life a little early (what with the sudden influx of bad luck you’ve had in the last week of May), fret not. That was a cosmic glitch and it seems June has better in store for you. Romantically, the point is moot, sorry to say. (Being a Libra, you might never find fulfillment in the love department anyway.) Instead, focus on your career. (That, at least, will pay off, literally — though not necessarily much if you work in the creative industry.) Any travel you do early to mid-month is well-deserved and much needed, and an auspicious collusion with work-related tasks during your travels will justify those new Chloé boots you’ve been eyeing. Indulge; the odds are in your favor...until everything goes to hell in a handbasket  when you recieve your credit card bill at the end of the month. Sorry.

Capricorn

You’ve waited long enough, dear Capricorn. You’ve worked hard, you’ve been so patient, and you have wanted this for so long. I don’t think that even Mercury being in retrograde will be able to do anything to affect you now. It’s time. Buy that Proenza Schouler PS1. Or, you know, don’t, because you took so long (sooo long) to decide to finally get it that everyone else already has it in exactly the shade of brown you’ve been eyeing since forever ago.

Taurus

Look, I know you really, really like comfort and aren’t a particularly big fan of change and all, but comfort is one thing and letting yourself go is another. Don’t give up on yourself. This month, the full moon will instill an urge in you to pick up a pair of Birkenstocks. Put. Them. Down. No one’s forcing you to suddenly dress flashy or anything like that, because we understand that’s not your style. We get it. Just don’t cross the line into basic. I don’t understand how you can be so brilliant and so creative and have such wonderful taste in pretty much everything else, but the sandals. God. No. Especially not with the socks. Why.

Scorpio

The April 28 eclipse will only manifest in your life this month, heralding a chaotic time in your love life: That moment when you finally use your controlling, domineering nature to do some humanitarian work for the rest of the world by burning your boyfriend’s tropical shirts. All of them. They need to stop, like, right now.  We swear he will forgive you (likely when retrograde is over) when he eventually comes to realize that it is the ugliest hipster trend on the face of the earth. We only tolerate it on Lito Atienza because — actually, why do we even tolerate it on Lito Atienza? We don’t.

Pisces

Dear Pisces, you are inherently emotional and understanding, so capable of empathizing with everyone around you and just knowing them on another level. So your inability to comprehend that your own obsession with crop tops is bordering on unhealthy is deeply saddening to see. Consider this an intervention.

Cancer

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Spending your life’s savings to compensate for the sh*tstorm that is your life at present is a Bad Idea. You’re going through a rough patch, yes, no thanks to the April eclipses that you’re still not over because you’re such a Cancer, but suck it up and do not blow out your bank account. Those shoes are not going to be an effective emotional crutch, and you can’t shop away your feelings. You, of all people, should know that you have way too many feelings for that, and not enough money. You can buy one item to pick your pride up and get that fabulous shell of self-preservation back into place. One. And fine, maybe the shoes.

Virgo

Neat-freak Virgo, you are in for a treat. You will be able to keep your house clean this month because you will hardly be around. There is promise of travel on the horizon — it may or may not involve camping, and also may or may not involve running into a large animal. Get your sneakers ready, and no, not the Margiela ones you’ve been eyeing for a while now. White leather might not work too well with mud, and neat-freak Virgo, you wouldn’t want that.

Aquarius

It’s a time for bad decisions, dear Aquarius. Mercury retrograde indicates that the people around you — lesser than your clever and visionary self in every way — will be ruining their lives. You can help them pick up the pieces if you are so inclined, but your time this month will be better spent maximizing your magnetism. Venus is entering your house of l-o-v-e this month, so look hot. I suggest hitting up Givenchy, because it’s finally opening this month…and other things might be, too.