How to possibly qualify for a Young Star Nobel Pissed Prize (Where the losers are winners)

MANILA, Philippines - For a person to qualify for the Nobel Pissed Prize, he or she must:

1. Be annoying at least 65 percent of the time. 20 percent of the time he or she will be asleep, so 65 percent is pretty high on the computation, if you think about it. And yes, Young Star only wants the best for this award.

2. Be considered ‘bad news’ by seven out of 10 people he/she encounters. The three (of the 10) will be relatives or childhood friends, so seven out of 10 is actually pretty consistent if you ask us. And yes — they don’t want flashes in the pan, they want consistency!

3. At least have a (minimum) 10-year track record of bad behavior. They don’t like nouveau bitches. They want “old money,” so to speak. They try to research as far back as kindergarten — if the nominee still has a living classmate or teacher from his/her tender years and gave us the nod — Young Star has a winner.

4. Be relevant enough to get in the way of a lot of good stuff. They don’t award losers who do not really affect people. Scope is important in this laurel. So if one only pisses off three or less people, then he/she is not for this award. Young Star likes ‘em big.

5. Have no sense of proportion when it comes to self-worth. Young Star accepts that every human being has some worth. In this light, they acknowledge that every one should have a sense of self-worth but the awardee they are looking for is someone who has an overblown amount of said trait. In Filipino it is, “Saksakan ng taas ng tingin sa sarili,” that he or she is oblivious to the reactions around him/her. They’re looking for someone who gives off the echoing vibe that says, “There is no way someone hates me,” and walks into the room like he/she was “walking onto a yacht.”

Now, for a situation to win a Nobel Pissed Prize, it must:

1. Have an enduring effect on the people involved. Damage so irreparable it will either cost so much (time, money, or therapy).

2. The situation will be so spectacularly wrong, the name of the “offended party” will actually become a verb. Ex: “Na-Cynthia Lennon ka ba?” or “Were you Cynthia Lennon’ed?” (Referring to the way The Beatles’ John Lennon left long-time first wife, the one who stood by him through tough times, for Yoko Ono after his band hit it big.)

3. When it involves cruelty to animals or people that one really should be protecting. No explanations necessary for this one. 

4. When it involves undeserved authority over you. Ex: Boss na mas bobo sa ‘yo. This one’s self-explanatory, actually.

5. When it involves the misuse of (any) religion. Ex: Communities that are set up to be God’s haven for the searching soul — but the lead person turns out to be an enabler of co-dependent behavior, a perpetrator of psychological circle-jerking of long “banal confessions of inadequacies” and over-magnified tragedies in order to gain sympathy or perverse admiration from fellow prayer group members. Leaders of that kind of wankfest deserve a top nomination spot on this prestigious list. Believe it or not, the Panel of Judges of the Nobel Pissed Prize believe that society should preserve the state of religion — keep it as it was intended upon its founding. 

Addendum:

There are exemptions to this list that could fall under “jurors’ choice” or “special mentions.” That usually means, “didn’t quite make it but deserves a discussion nonetheless.” Seasonal nominations shouldn’t really qualify; under this would be: people in grief, pregnant women, intense PMS rounds. Behavior after having too much alcohol or drugs does not qualify but regularly stealing to acquire alcohol and drugs can be considered. There may be other angles I’ve missed out on, but that’s okay. A group has no business giving out ‘pissed prizes’ if they are not forgiving or if they are too strict. Many of them are not exempt, truth be told. It does take one to, um, you know. 

We all grew up believing Thumper (the rabbit from Disney’s Bambi) when he said, “If ya can’t say nothin’ nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Yes, he said that.) So why this list, you ask? Well, they also believe that one of the best ways to define what is good is to describe exactly what isn’t. Clearly all this exercise wants is to put the unpleasant up for scrutiny. In fact, the goal of the Young Star Nobel Pissed Prize is to be obsolete. So there will be no “see you next years” on this page.

* * *

We are all aware of awards given out every year — some valid and others not so. If you’ve ever been part of a panel that decided honors for other people, then you know that biases may seep in every now and then. In order to uphold the credibility of the Young Star Nobel Pissed Prize, we decided to ask an outsider to give her imagined criteria for such a citation. This imagined criteria is to be made public so the terms for awarding are kept as objective as possible — and so that you, dear readers, may submit your own nominations for such a damning distinction (to do so, e-mail Young Star at ystar2.0@gmail.com or tweet us at @youngstarphils).             — The YS Team