Defensive witticisms against wannabe ladykillers
March 2, 2007 | 12:00am
"I’m as human as the next girl,
I like a bit of flattery
But I don’t need your practiced lines
and school of charm mentality
So save your breath for someone else
and credit me with something more
When it comes to men like you,
I know the score, I’ve heard it all before..."  ‘Ladykillers’ by Lush
People often ask me why I’m so cynical when it comes to relationships. I think it’s safe to say (and practically every single gal out there will back me up on this) that once you’ve had plentiful servings of artists with tortured souls, has-beens with emotional issues, mid-lifers hungry for validation and yuppies who treat you like a preschool gold star, you start to doubt if there’s anyone in the dating pool worth your time. Honestly, how is any girl’s "knight in shining armor" fantasy (or "billionaire in Maserati") supposed to pull any weight in the real world if she has to slay her own dragons just to find him? Even so, I’ve noticed that most of the time, you have to squash legions of frogs beneath your towering platform heels before you can find a semi-worthy adversary in the playing field.
Take your average night out at any of Manila’s watering holes, posh and obscure alike. Whether you’re there to knock back Stellas and bitch about life or dance the night away till McDonald’s serves breakfast, you’re bound to encounter at least one of several stereotype losers who are controlled by their libidos and powerless in the face of the fact that a stone fox like yourself may choose to pass gas in their direction. And we’re supposed to be flattered when they approach us? It’s no wonder more ladies are content to curl up with a back issue of Cosmo than an actual human being.
When did all the good men decide to go into hiding? Did they just collectively decide that the remainder of single girls in Manila were all trolls and deserved to die alone? Or were they abducted by this army of desperate half-men, half-ape creatures that easily outnumbered them and took their places at all the once-fabulous Singleton haunts? I’m guessing it’s the latter. These nights, it seems that a single gal can’t go anywhere to kick up her heels or chill with friends without being ambushed by minions of the "Ladykiller Losers Regime." You know what I’m talking about. Those guys who try every tired pick-up line and sleazy trick for a moment of your attention (seriously, what will it take for them to realize that all they need is a bottle of ’83 Dom and a palazzo in Santorini?) are all members of the Ladykiller Losers Regime.
While there’s no way to eradicate them completely, I’ve noticed that the right witticisms can put these so-called ladykillers in their place. No one’s going to waste their Friday night telling these poor sods why their game is way off-point; besides, it’s better for everyone’s sake to keep these interactions short and sweet. So I’ve decided to divulge some helpful comebacks from my arsenal of one-liners in order to help my fellow single gals ward off and give a decent "heads up" to the sad gentlemen who are going to be on the receiving end. Perhaps in its own little way, this list of mine will provide a bit of justice to frustrated Singletons like myself, who know that the only true way to disarm a man completely is with alarmingly clever wit. It should at least keep the losers at bay until our beautiful, charming princes return from wherever they’ve been exiled to.
Stereotype Losers from the Ladykiller Losers Regime:
1.The Underaged Guy. These guys are an all-too-familiar sight, not only because they’re allowed to run rampant in a city where an enforced age limit is as feasible as pink and purple unicorns, but because they remind you of your guy friends in high school.
Also Known As: The walking hard-on.
His Pick-Up Line: Can I buy you a drink? (He’ll either offer you something retarded like a Smirnoff Ice or a shot of Hombre if he’s saved enough allowance.)
Your Response: How about I buy myself one and you run home to make your curfew?
2.The Sweaty Foreigner. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt, smoking a cigar and has no sense of groove whatsoever. He eavesdrops on your conversations to figure out if you speak good enough English for him to have a shot and is most likely looking for a new wife.
Also Known As: The creepy white guy.
His Pick-Up Line: Hey sweetheart, do you come here often?
Your Response: Not much... since I tested positive.
3.The Jock Who Tries Too Hard. These guys, unfortunately for everyone else, think it’s appropriate to wear their ugly jerseys while they’re out clubbing. They usually accessorize with Pony sneakers and a lot of (fake) bling.
Also Known As: The baller with no talent whatsoever.
His Pick-Up Line: If you’re checking out my body I might have to hold it against you.
Your Response: I’m drunk, Shaq, not blind.
4.The Geriatric Lush. These guys look way past their expiration date and will think of any excuse to talk to you, even if it’s to lecture you on the way you talk too loud or the fact that you’re smoking.
Also Know As: The 500-year-old man.
His Pick-Line: If I were the man I was 20 years ago, I’d offer to buy you a drink.
Your Response: You do realize I was a zygote back then...
5.The Ugly Wingman. He is the best friend of the hottest guy in the bar who thinks he has a shot with you when you were actually checking out his companion.
Also Known As: The hot guy’s ugly friend.
His Pick-Up Line: Shall we continue flirting from a distance?
Your Response: Sorry, buddy, I’m not nearly drunk enough to look at you just yet.
6.The Greasy Ponytail Guy. These guys sweat through their fake tans and knock-off designer shirts that are unbuttoned to their sternum and show off a gaudy gold chain. They look like something straight out of old-school Miami Vice and may just try to sell you used cars, narcotics or the company of an escort.
Also Known As: The sleaze machine.
His Pick-Line: So what’s a sweet young thing like you doing in a place like this?
Your Response: About to pass out from the sour scent of your cheap cologne.
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