A bachelor’s guide to decorum : Rules for smooth operators

Let’s face it, trying to rationalize the commu-nication style of the opposite sex is like the chicken and the egg debate: there are several good theories, but it’s never going to be reconciled. Luckily, women have come far enough in history to reach new heights, albeit shaky footing, on our right to speak up.

These days, girls have it pretty easy. We can go to school, vote, run companies, save lives and make history. Women today have the luxury of calling their shots. Most of those who do easily become heavyweights in their respective industries. Look at Condoleeza Rice, Oprah Winfrey, Melinda Gates and Queen Rania. Distinguished and powerful, they remain Amazonian achievers in their respective industries, proof enough that women today can get absolutely anything they want. An intelligent, successful woman is a viable force to reckon with, yet time and again, we have witnessed this crumble away in the callous face of the dating world. When pitted against conniving Cassanovas and demented Don Juans who have operated without excuse for centuries, a woman’s merit washes away like mascara at My Best Friend’s Wedding. Whether it’s because we’ve been stigmatized as more emotional beings or simply because our gender is still relatively new to calling the shots in romance, the principal reason may lie in the fact that our communication skills are automatically trumped by a lack of willingness (on the men’s part) to evolve as we have.

That said, these dangerously attractive bachelors who dominate the dating world could stand to learn a thing or two from single gals who are ballsy enough to call their bluffs. Gentlemen, the women you’re dealing with today are a far cry from the 100-pound damsels in distress who turn half their brains off to turn you on. We are sassy, intelligent and powerful beings, capable of more than you choose to give us credit for. We know you’ve got tricks up your sleeves and we know that you want us. Of course you do. After all, what bachelor in his right mind wouldn’t want the satisfaction of capturing a beautiful Valkyrie? That’s alright with us; most of the time we want you to pursue us. We want to go out with guys who have much more to offer than the boys we eat for breakfast. But before you go off gallivanting to your next conquest, we’d like to give you a heads up on how things should be done these days. Times have changed, boys. On behalf of all singletons in this world, the outspoken intelligent women would like to give you a little crash course on the new rules of dating:

1. Call when you say you’re going to call. We like you. So when we feel like hanging out, we’ll call you. If you tell us there’s a callback and a third date in store for us, then we will believe you because we don’t like liars. If you’re just not that into us, then tell us. We’re much tougher than you think and we’ll appreciate the honesty.

2. But don’t be a wuss and call all the time. We need space too, you know. And you need to not look like a needy schoolgirl.

3. Don’t try too hard. We know all the lines. We know the moves. Do not confuse confidence with pompousness. We’d rather you just be your charming, handsome self. If you happen to be just a little bit dorky, that’s not too bad either.

4. Offer to pay. The fact that we make as much money as you do doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the gesture.

5. Make eye contact. Out chests cannot talk back to you. If you turn out to be alright, then you might be able to see them later on.

6. Introduce us to your friends. Standard etiquette. Besides, why wouldn’t you want everyone else to know how fabulous your date is?

7. Drop us off. Or at least make sure we get home okay. Nobody wants to do the walk of shame. And make sure we’re in the door before you drive away.

8. Lay your cards on the table. We may be smart, but we are not telepathic. If you are playing the field, then tell us. If you just got out of a relationship, tell us. Withholding information about what you’re really looking for is going to result in disappointment for both parties. It sounds simple, right? So it shouldn’t be too hard to understand, then. If you are upfront about your situation, it’ll be much easier for us to accommodate it.

9.Pack. It is not sexy to ask girls for a raincoat. We like going out with guys who can handle themselves gracefully in any situation. So make sure you’re ready.

10. Be prepared. When you go out on a date with a woman of our caliber, treat her with the respect she deserves. Because although smooth operators like yourself can be sneaky, women like us are vindictive, cruel and will not think twice before completely destroying you if you do not treat us like the goddesses we are.

Gentlemen, it’s quite simple really. Times have changed. Women on the market have changed too. We’ve certainly come a long way from wearing corsets and burning bras. The women you’re dealing with today are a volatile balance of power and emotion. We are intelligent, successful, open, emotional and passionate beings. We are not out to destroy you like the femmenazis of the past decade. We are looking to be treated as equals. We are looking to enjoy ourselves with someone secure enough to handle it. We are looking for respect, genuine respect that does not beget cowardice or spite. Women have come way too far in history to deal with all the mind games. Today, we’re no longer just part of the game, we’re power players. And now, there are new rules. Isn’t it about time you all caught on?

Good luck out there, boys.

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Wisdom and wisecracks are always welcome at whippersnappergirl@hotmail.com. Dates will only be considered after demonstrative proof that the other party has read and fully understood all the abovementioned new rules of dating.