No child’s play

It’s just a small room but it’s enough to please any child, especially those who need to forget about the real world for a while. In this room, they have control. In this tiny space, they are safe.

The Women’s Crisis Center’s Children’s Room at the penthouse of the East Avenue Medical Center is abuzz most days with kids eager to have a piece of "haven" on earth. In here, girls could play house with their dolls, boys could rough it up with toy cars. Or they could challenge their minds with Lego puzzle pieces and wooden blocks. The older ones could unleash the artist in them with boxes of crayons and coloring books. Or they could learn more through the room’s stacks of educational DVDs and printed materials.

But what looks like an ordinary playroom has a deeper, more important purpose. For each kid that visits the Children’s Room has a story to tell, often a sad one. Carmina (not her real name), for instance, would tell a story about a girl (as represented by a doll) who was left all alone in her house one morning. The girl’s mom went to buy food, Carmina says, while her siblings played all day long outside the house. Along came a monster who, in Carmina’s matter-of-fact account, hurt the girl and ate her. A little girl’s fantasy? Think again.

According to Women and Children Crisis Care and Protection Unit (WCCCPU) counseling program coordinator Anamabel Garcia, the Children’s Room helps kids process their feelings about traumatic experiences. In Carmina’s case, she was trying to tell the world – if only they would listen – that, to put it bluntly, her monster of an uncle is sexually abusing her when her mom and siblings are away. For a young kid of 4 or 5, the only way to tell her story is to use symbols, in this case toys, to reach out and ask for help.

Junjun (not his real name), while drawing with a crayon, suddenly stabbed a stick figure he just drew and shouted, "Galit ako sa’yo!" over and over, his juvenile anger resulting in a marred piece of artwork. Upon further questioning, a counselor found out that the child often witnessed his father physically hurting his mother, and was acting out this frustration and anger on that piece of paper.

"Generally speaking, you never know at first glance if a child is being physically and sexually abused. But after a while, you’ll notice something from the way they look at things, speak and act," says Garcia, adding that the only way they can determine if a child is a victim is to talk to them, let them tell a story, and yes, through playing. At the Children’s Room is where they could do all this.

The whole idea of a children’s playroom, explains Garcia, came about when battered and abused women visited the Women’s Crisis Center for counseling with their kids tagging along. In an instant, the small office, way back in 1989 when it was still called Project Haven (Hospital Assisted Crisis Intervention for Women Survivors of Violent Environments), was transformed into a play area. It’s not difficult to imagine the mayhem: moms and counselors huddled in sessions, kids playing noisily all around, some clinging onto their moms’ legs or tugging at their clothes, others bawling and having tantrums. It was distracting for moms and uncomfortable for the children.

Now, thanks to its partner The Body Shop, the children now have a room they can have fun in while their moms get their much-needed counseling sessions in another room. The playroom was constructed and equipped with funds raised by The Body Shop, which donated a whole day of profit of its Greenbelt store where the Stop Violence in the Home campaign was formally launched last month. Plus, the full profit from the sale of the SVITH Mint Lip Care Stick campaign helped make the Children’s Room be as comfortable and fun for the children. And all counseling sessions are free so everyone who needs help is welcome to visit the Center (call Lifelines 922-5235 and 926-7744; e-mail wccmanila@pacific.net.ph; websites www. wccmanila.org and www.geocities.com/Wellesley/3665).

Garcia says that a lot of the kids brought to them are incest and rape survivors, physically abused, and those who have witnessed violence in their homes. In the art and play therapy sessions that Garcia and six other counselors and crisis workers have presided, rape and incest survivors tend to draw scenes with sexual connotations or suggestions of physical violence. "They’re trying to control the situation through this medium," she says.

Of course, one needs to have a trained eye to determine if a child is a victim of sexual abuse but off-hand, Garcia says, among the signs include phobias, fear of somebody or too much attachment, sexualized behavior such as too much cuddling or sitting on a lap of a stranger. Victims of physical abuse, meanwhile, tend to have low self-esteem, or become violent themselves. "Sometimes kids think it’s normal to be violent. Also, the kids don’t know who to stay loyal to, the dad or the mom. They get confused," states Garcia.

In 2000-2005, 102 rape victims, 94 incest/sexually abused kids, 26 physically abused kids with ages ranging from 0 to 17 years old. At the Center’s temporary shelters, 220 children who have witnessed violence in the home, 50 incest/sexual abuse survivors, 27 rape survivors, 3 physical abuse survivors and 6 prostituted and street children were taken in from 2000 to 2005. A large percentage of these kids were 3 to 7 years old, followed by infants and toddlers, then teenagers and those from the 8 to 12 years old age bracket.

Most incest survivors, especially those who grew up without getting any help, are prone to suicide attempts. For them, it’s better to inflict physical harm upon themselves, see the wound and feel its pain. "It’s better than feeling the pain inside without ever seeing a wound," is what they would usually say.

"Healing takes a lifetime especially for sexual abuse survivors. We, as counselors, can only help them recover, not heal. We can only give them the tools to recover but healing comes from within," says Garcia. For counselors like her, it’s important for the survivor to accept what happened, come into terms with it, and face life with it.

It’s important, Garcia says, to get the children out of a situation where there are signs of abuse or violence. Or better yet, take out the perpetrator from that equation and have him or her be punished for his actions.

Adults should be responsible for children, says Garcia. "We are all parents, even if we’re not biological parents. Adults need to be re-educated as far as children’s rights are concerned."

This responsibility extends to how children should be disciplined and, moms and dads, we’re not talking about the rod here. "Corporal punishment is a no-no," states Garcia. This means no hitting, slapping, kicking, pinching, hair- or ear-pulling any child for these constitute violence. You could be charged for assault for that, you know. What you inject into your kids’ minds and the way you raise them are what they will take with them when they grow up.

There are other ways to raise and discipline the children. Talk to them, treat them with respect, and make them understand why you’re mad at them and that you won’t tolerate their bad behavior – all of these should be done in a calm way as possible. It’s every adult’s obligation, no but’s. Garcia couldn’t emphasize enough the importance of spending quality time with children.

With the opening of the new Children’s Room, Garcia is hopeful that they’ll be able to reach out and help more children. She is particularly keen on having a "biological doll" and a complete doll house for effective storytelling. They also need lots of pillows to help kids release their pent-up emotions in a safe way. Donated toys and educational materials are always welcome.

It’s an alarming thought, that of children being abused right in their own homes, but it is a reality. No one can simply look the other way and pretend none of this is happening. Only the heartless can walk away and say, "It’s none of my business." If we continue to have this I-don’t-give-a-damn mentality, we’d end up with more children’s playrooms filled with, not happy and carefree kids, but disturbed, lost children. And if this happens, this would be a very sad world, indeed.