Love in the time of text

Hi Marc,

I have a text mate, and we’ve been friends for four months now but we haven’t seen each other yet. He’s studying in an exclusive school in our place and I’ve heard so much about students there. Rumors say boys from that school are players. However, this text mate of mine doesn’t seem to be like them. He’s so nice... well, of course, who knows he might be playing nice, right? Actually, I really don’t know ‘cause everything went so absurd lately. He ‘fessed up that our teacher is his mom. I am afraid to meet him right away ‘cause he might be disappointed with my mien, even my status in life. I can barely stand my doubts! I don’t know if I should be better in school ‘cause his mom might show him my grades – I’m pressured in my studies, and worse! Does it really matter? How can I cope with this situation especially if his mom and I are not close? Do guys get serious when it comes to texts? I mean, I’m falling for him and I can’t afford to lose him. Or am I reading too much into his words? Help me!

Text Addict

OK, it might be time to wake up and smell the thorny roses of reality. First things first. I am constantly amazed at how so many people can say that they’re falling for someone they’ve never met! Sure, the cellphone – and texting – are perhaps the most wonderful flirtation devices invented in recent years, and it’s fine for getting to know someone in the beginning, but they can’t ever replace getting to know someone face to face. People can hide their true feelings and reactions through text way too easily. If they said the same things face to face, you at least then have a chance of reading their body language, expression, tone of voice and actions. This is a much better indicator of sincerity than a smiley face at the end of a text. If you’re attracted to a person and get their number, then the initial flirtation stage is kind of fun via text, but you do eventually need to see them to get a real feel for whether the two of you are compatible, even on a casual friendly level let alone anything serious!

You say that he goes to an exclusive school in your area, so why haven’t the two of you ever met? Do you even know what he looks like, and vice versa? I understand if you’re a bit embarrassed because your lifestyle might be a bit more humble than his, but if he really likes you, then it shouldn’t bother him at all, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. People should accept you for who you are, especially those that you consider friends. Why don’t you arrange a meeting so you can actually see how the two of you get along in person? It’ll also be a good chance to get a feel for the type of person he is and whether or not he might be a player. In person you have a chance of telling if he’s being honest, but via text you have no chance at all. For all you know he could be a middle-aged alcoholic with three kids who’s pretending to be a boy from that school. You have no way of telling. The same applies for anyone you meet on the internet. Just because they send you a picture, it doesn’t mean that it’s a picture of them.

If he really is who he says he is, you still have to figure out if you’re getting played though. Ask around among your friends or people that know him whether or not they hear about him and other girls. Just because he may have dated other girls doesn’t mean he’s a player though. If he has lied to them and conned them into thinking he has feelings for them when he doesn’t, then yes, he could be a player and you should be careful. Not saying that you shouldn’t give him a chance, just that you need to be extra careful to make sure you’re not suckered in. You can also try asking him point blank (in person remember, not via text) if he is a player because you’ve heard rumors and you’re concerned. He’d have to be a very good liar to be able to look you straight in the eye and tell you he’s not without you getting some kind of warning signals that he’s being less than honest. Remember to be as unbiased as possible in your assessment of him though. Because you desperately want him not to be a player, you might convince yourself to believe whatever he says. Also give him the benefit of the doubt. Just because he attends a school where the guys have a certain reputation doesn’t mean that he’s like that. Your school may have a reputation for having wild girls or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you’re like that, does it?

As for his mom working at your school, yes it could be a concern, but hopefully not if she’s a professional about it as she should be. She certainly shouldn’t be discussing your grades with him, and even if she did, if you guys were together then you’d probably be discussing them with him yourself anyway. As for any added pressure to study harder, that could be a good thing. Getting better grades can only be an advantage. If the two of you did hook up, maybe you could just keep it a secret from her until the two of you were more secure in your relationship first. That way she could appreciate you caring for each other and not try and discourage the relationship from the beginning.

So first off, make sure you finally meet this guy face to face. Get to know him in person over coffee or lunch or whatever. Figure out if a) you really do like him in person, and b) if he’s sincere in his words and not just playing you. If all goes well, then you can tackle the issues of his mom and your grades. The important thing is to be yourself and not hide who you really are from him. The only way for someone to truly like and appreciate who you are is when you’re open and comfortable being yourself around them. Hopefully, he’ll do the same. Good luck but be careful about getting played.

Marc

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