Does mom always know best?

Dear Marc,

I never thought I would write to you until I read this advice that you gave:

I got this Prada handbag because it matches my skirt, and I got Paolo because he matches my career?’ I sincerely hope this is not the case. What happens when your career or lifestyle changes? Time for a new relationship – Paolo doesn’t match anymore? The point I am trying to make is that matching your career or lifestyle is not a good enough selection criteria for finding someone special.

I never thought getting a wife would be a problem before. Not until I realized that I have never had a good lasting serious relationship with a girl. How much more difficult is it for me to find a wife? My other relationships, though they were fun and made me happy, were short and shallow. It’s easy to say just follow your heart and you won’t get lost. I’m a 25-year-old Chinese guy who really loves his mom. I’m her only son among four children and she really loves me. I’ve had a girlfriend before who I introduced to my mom, but she disapproved of her. I didn’t have peace in my heart so after a while I broke up with the girl even if it was against my will. Right now I’m thinking of courting another girl and I’m afraid it’s happening again. I know I should make my own decision. I am a mentally and emotionally tough guy. But how can I go against a very sweet-loving 55-year-old mom? She just melts me. I really like this girl. She’s really nice. But should I stop pursuing her because my mom will be hurt if I do so?

Mama’s Boy

It’s great that you love your mum, and I’d be one of the first to admit that I love my mum, and would do almost anything for her. I’m also pretty confident that a lot of other guys (and girls) out there feel the same about their mothers. That being said, there should come a time in your life when you start becoming your own person and making decisions for yourself. From the sound of things, you are already at this stage in the rest of your life, but still defer to your mother’s wishes in your personal life, which is perhaps the most important area of your life.

To your mother’s defense, she probably thinks that she is looking out for your own best interests, and feels the need to protect you from getting together with someone who she thinks might not be totally suitable for your future. I know that this is even more of an issue among Chinese families, particularly with the eldest son, who will traditionally be put in charge of the family business at some stage. So, in some respects, the mother is also looking out for her own future when she is judging a prospective daughter-in-law.

However, that being said, you have a right to make your own life-changing decisions, even if it sometimes goes against the face of tradition. I feel that a guy should be able to choose who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I have heard of too many stories among my friends of people who have gotten married just to make their families happy. At times it sounds more like a business merger than a celebration of love for each other! And many times the marriage just plods along with neither partner particularly happy. Of course there is too much pressure on them from their families and the community in general to ever consider separating, and a marriage where neither partner feels compatible with the other is a breeding ground for infidelity. The partner they’re with may not be the one they truly love, so maybe they look for companionship outside the marriage instead.

Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to be with and eventually marry the one you love? Not only would it make you a lot happier in the short term, but in the long term you would be a lot more stable and able to focus harder on work without any added stress from a less than compatible relationship. This is what you will need to explain to your mother.

I’m not saying you should discount your mother’s opinion entirely, as she does want what is best for her son, and sometimes it is easier for someone else to see a person’s faults when you may be too blinded by your feelings to see clearly. The trick is in translating your own feelings and other people’s negative comments into an unbiased truth. If your mother says the girl is just after your money and doesn’t really love you, don’t automatically believe her and drop the girl. But at the same time, don’t automatically jump the opposite way and defend her without first considering the possibility. Use your mother or family’s opinions as a sounding board for your own considerations. Try to be brutally honest with yourself about why you’re attracted to this girl and vice-versa. Yes, she may like you more than usual because she likes the gifts you always buy her, but maybe you like her more than you would normally because she has a fantastic body. Neither reason is a good basis for long-term love, but you would both be guilty of a little shallowness. The important thing is being able to sift through these superficial details to see if there is any real substance for a lasting relationship.

Another consideration you need to think of if your mother disapproves is that you are her baby. She is very protective and maybe doesn’t want to lose you. Part of her disapproval may be subconscious jealousy. She’s afraid that this girl is going to take you away from her, and that thought may unknowingly affect her judgment of your girlfriends. This may be especially true if the girl is a bit headstrong and doesn’t naturally defer to your mother’s opinions or decisions. Perhaps your mother would be more approving of a girl who would be more submissive to your mum’s matriarchal role? Once again, this is all guesswork on my part and may not be what’s happening in your case, I’m just giving you options to consider.

What it all should come down to is your long-term happiness. Sometimes you have a right to be a little bit selfish, and in choosing a life partner, I think you should exercise that right. Maybe your mother doesn’t realize how affected you were of her disapproval of your last girlfriend. Try sitting down and talking to her about it. As you said, she is a very sweet and loving mum, so above all else she should want you to be happy. Discuss things openly with her, and tell her you value her opinion, but that ultimately, you would like to make your own decision and hope that she would support you when that time comes. Also make an effort for your new girlfriend and mother to get along. See if they have any common interests and try to make them more relaxed around each other. Lastly, let your mother know that whoever you decide to marry, it will never change the fact that you are her son, and will always be there for her. Remind her that she will never lose her son, but will hopefully gain a daughter who will make that son a very happy man. After all, what more could a loving mother want than her son’s true happiness?

Marc

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