Jealous lover blues

DEAR MARC, 

I really need your advice. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am 26 years old and have a boyfriend who is eight years older than me, and I guess he is not acting the way a 34-year-old man should when it comes to maturity. He always gets jealous of every guy I talk to – as in superduper jealous of everything. I always assure him that I am not doing anything wrong, that I truly love him and that I won’t do anything to ruin our relationship. I’m doing my part to make this relationship work but I guess he can’t get it through his head. He always questions my loyalty and faithfulness. It really gets into my nerves. I don’t know if he just loves me too much or is plain insecure. What else should I do to make him feel that I am truly honest? I’m running out of words to say to him. Sometimes I just want to explode. 

 LEANNE

Sadly, being jealous is not something that a lot of guys outgrow. So, his age or maturity in other respects probably doesn’t have much effect. A lot of guys (and girls for that matter) seem to have a very jealous and suspicious nature in the Philippines. This may be because Pinoys are traditionally possessive, and Pinays are often quite suspicious themselves. Does that mean that Filipino men and women are more likely to cheat? Or is it that they have been exposed to cheating relationships in their upbringing? Relationships outside the marriage (or even boyfriend-girlfriend relationship) are still quite rampant, and some kids may see this in their own family as they grow up. Not necessarily with the parents, but maybe their kuya or ate and the relationships they have with others. So if they see this, they may think that it is quite common to cheat within a relationship. Because of this, a guy could be led to believe that it’s OK for him to fool around, because according to his upbringing, it’s almost normal (although this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is like that). On the flipside however, he could become increasingly paranoid about his girlfriend doing exactly the same thing to him.

Not only could he become suspicious of his girlfriend, but even more suspicious of the guys that she talks to. In his mind, the guy is only talking to you in order to get into your pants. He doesn’t realize that some guys are capable of maintaining a platonic friendship with a girl. Why does he think this? Because he knows what a good catch you are, otherwise he wouldn’t be with you. Therefore, it is beyond his scope of believability that other guys wouldn’t be interested in you, too, and try to hit on you if you’re talking to them.

Another reason for his being jealous could be the age thing. He’s 34 and you’re 28. Your boyfriend probably feels you’ll get tired of him and go for someone closer to your own age eventually. Or perhaps he’s had a bad experience with a girlfriend leaving him for someone else in the past?

Fear not, though. This doesn’t mean you’re going to have to spend the rest of your days locked up in a room until he comes to visit you. It just means you’re going to have to try and reason with him some more until he sees some sense. Firstly, what is it that makes him feel so jealous? You were right when you mentioned insecurity, because that’s exactly what it is. He may be the best looking guy in the world, but then maybe he would be insecure about a guy with a great sense of humor. If he was good-looking and funny, maybe he’d be insecure over some other guy who had more money or a better job and so on… Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there is always something that a guy can feel insecure about. He’s always afraid you’ll run off with someone "better" than him. The funny thing is, sometimes the guys who believe this fervently are the ones who would do the same thing, and that’s why they are so afraid.

So how do you convince him that you have no plans of leaving him for someone else? (You won’t, right?) It sounds like you’ve been trying pretty hard already, and you’ve probably already done the "I swear it’s only you!" spiel. If that didn’t work, you may need to try switching tactics a bit. Instead of always reassuring him that you only want him, try telling him how you feel instead.

By letting him know that his possessiveness is stifling you, he may also get a little bit scared of getting too jealous. Tell him that you have no desire to leave him, but by being so jealous and suspicious all of the time, he is having the opposite effect on you and actually pushing you away. If he realizes that he is a lot more likely to lose you by being so seloso, then there is a good chance he’ll tone things down a bit. Of course this doesn’t mean you should rub his face in it by flirting outrageously with every guy you see, but just let him know that you have male friends and workmates that you would like to be able to talk to.

Ultimately, if he can accept that his jealousy is self-destructive, and that the best way to keep you is to trust you, then you’re both in for the long haul. However, if he still insists on questioning your loyalty all the time, then in the long run, you may need to consider leaving him. Drastic, I know, but that might be the kick in the pants he needs. He should realize how serious you are and that he was the one who pushed you away. That way, if you do get back together, then at least he will make much more of an effort to be more understanding.

MARC

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Send your questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.