Suspiciously Secretive Spouse

Hi Marc,

Please advise me as to how to go through married life. What are the rights of the spouse and limitations of such? Do I have the right to know or ask the balance of my spouse’s bank account and his account number? Or shall I wait till he tells me so? What if he’s keeping things from me like his mobile number? What must I do to improve the situation? Why doesn’t he seem to trust me? Why doesn’t he tell me important info? We have been married for almost a year. He’s 14 years my senior. Please give me tips on how to deal with a man who has acquired the western culture. I am here in the Philippines while he’s abroad where he has worked and lived for more than a decade now. Hopefully, we can be together soon. Also, why doesn’t he want us to wear our wedding rings at all times but only on rare and special occasions like reunions and Mass? He says we might get held up because of the rings, and also to avoid scratches them. Does he have a point? I would be proud to wear the ring as a symbol of my love for him. Thanks. – Princess Wifey

I really hope I’m wrong on this guess, but it sounds to me like you’re being taken for a bit of a ride. Well, maybe more than a bit. If a boyfriend lying about a night out with the boys is a little kiddie ride, then this would be the equivalent of a triple corkscrew roller coaster without the brakes. You my dear, need to do some research into your husband’s life, as I have a sneaking suspicion that he is a lot more than he seems.

Ordinarily I don’t believe in prying too deeply into your partner’s past or getting overly suspicious, but this may be a special case. As far as the bank account is concerned, most couples will have joint accounts when they get married, although it’s not uncommon for spouses to also keep a private account so that they have their own savings they can use for such things as Christmas and birthday presents for their significant others without the latter knowing. That in itself should not be of too much concern so long as you both have a comfortable life and he isn’t privately spending all of his cash on himself while you struggle to afford your next meal. Trust me when I tell you that his bank account is the least of your worries right now.

I’m wracking my brains trying to think of a good reason why he won’t give you his mobile number, and I can’t come up with anything. Unless maybe if you call him at all hours every day, interfere with his work and fight with him all the time. Even then, there are other ways of getting around that problem. I do have a couple of friends who intentionally turn off their phones once in a while so that their girlfriends can’t reach them (not always for respectable reasons), but not one of them has ever even attempted not to give their respective others their cell number altogether! That is taking personal space just a bit too far.

Now if the secret mobile number isn’t suspicious enough, asking you not to wear your wedding ring is possibly even more bizarre. His reason that you might be held up for it is valid if you are in a dangerous area or walking alone at night, but not on a normal day-to-day basis. Even being worried about scratches is a bit of a stretch of the imagination. That’s like buying a pair of shoes and not wearing them for fear of scuffing the soles. Not only does he sound extremely shifty, but judging by his excuses, he’s not terribly imaginative either.

You say he’s been living overseas for 10 years, and you’re concerned that the reason he’s like this is because he has adopted "western" ways. Now as you may know, I’ve spent much of my life being brought up in a western culture, and I can assure you that the marital relationship you have described is pretty abnormal in any society.

At the moment it crosses my mind that he may be trying to hide the fact that the two of you are married. Who knows? He may even have another girlfriend/wife/family overseas (which would explain why he doesn’t want you calling him on his cell), or possibly even here in the Philippines (the wrong person seeing the two of you together with the wedding bands on could definitely put a crimp in his social life).

I’m not saying this is definitely the case, and there may be a valid excuse for the way he’s acting, but the reasons he gives sound pretty lame to me. If I were you, I’d ask for the truth or tell him it’s time to call it quits. Another good idea would be to ask his family what’s going on (unless of course he’s made up some excuse for you not to have met them yet too). Unless he’s James Bond, no one should have that many secrets from his wife. A relationship, and more importantly a marriage, should be built on openness and trust, not lies and deceit. Find out what’s really going on in his life and I think you might be in for a nasty surprise. Better to be single and upset for a while than live a life of ignorance and lies. – Marc

Got Milk?

Dear Marc,

Aside from giving you kudos for well-written articles, I wish to ask, if and when possible you promote milk drinking for guys as part of the healthy lifestyle.

I am in my mid 30s, active and health conscious. I understand the benefits of zinc and calcium even for guys, but whenever I buy milk in the counter or grocery, I get jeered for doing so by barkadas (male and female alike) as they consider milk drinking as unmanly.

I do not drink alcohol nor smoke for health reasons. Nothing to do with sexual preferences. I understand that some guys look up and listen to you.

Thank you for possible support. – Milk Buff

You, my friend, need a more educated barkada. Would I be right in guessing that they make fun of you eating vegetables with meals and drinking mineral water when you go out? Are they the same testosterone-charged guys who think anyone who gets drunk on less than six beers is a limp-wristed pansy? They are? Well gosh, fast forward 20 years and they’ll be the same guys with 30-pound beer guts, a bad back and cholesterol levels that would clog a drainpipe. But hey, who cares?! They’re still "manly" men, right?

For the record, I myself not only drink milk, but soy milk. (Wow, do I get extra "unmanly" points for that, I wonder?) I’ve also been brought up on a diet that included milk almost every day for my breakfast, as have most kids in Australia male and female alike. You’re right in thinking that bodies of all ages and sexes need the calcium, zinc and other minerals found in milk. I have a personal theory that one of the reasons most Filipinos aren’t especially tall is due to the fact that they don’t get enough milk or other dairy products in their diet. For example, if you take a kid born to Filipino parents, and raise him in a country wherein milk is drunk on a regular basis (such as Australia or the USA), there is a very good chance he will grow considerably taller than if he had been raised on a traditional non-dairy Filipino diet. (Notice how tall those balikbayans can get?)

As for the drinking and smoking bit, well, I have to side with you yet again. I don’t drink alcohol either, and neither do I smoke. Smoking is unhealthy and while not overly pressuring my friends to quit (it’s ultimately their choice), I certainly don’t advise people to take it up. It’s not only bad enough to kill you, but it also makes all your clothes and hair stink, not to mention your breath. Never an attractive quality.

If your friends grade their masculinity on the amount of beer they can drink, then they’re in for a big ego deflation if they ever meet a friend of mine who can drink a case (24 bottles) of beer in an evening and appear quite normal, or down an entire bottle in under seven seconds. Oh yeah, did I mention she’s a girl? Doesn’t sound so manly anymore, huh? Personally, I have nothing against alcohol (within personal limits of moderation), and have been known to have a single drink on a special occasion like a birthday or despedida, but my tolerance is so low now that one is usually enough to make me a tiny bit tipsy (I’m a super lightweight with alcohol). Generally I just prefer to avoid it altogether.

Sounds like you have a diet very similar to my own, and while my friends will occasionally try and talk me into a tequila shot, they generally respect my decision and admire my resolve and healthy lifestyle. So if your friends make fun of you for leading a healthy lifestyle, eating right and drinking milk, then be rest assured you’re in good company, and so am I. – Marc

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