Gay in Denial?

Marc,

I read your article last Feb.14, about a bisexual looking for a wife. His case is similar to mine.

I’m a typical 16-year-old guy currently facing problems with my true identity. Yes, I’m facing an identity crisis and I don’t know how to tell this to my best friend who is a straight guy. We share the same interests: Playing skateboard, hanging out with the barkada and other things that a typical straight guy does. I’m not the stereotypical bisexual. My problem is how to tell my best friend about my feelings. I’m afraid to lose him. He’s like a brother to me. I don’t know if he’s open-minded about such matters, thus, my fear of telling him.

Thanks and more power to your column. — Carl

OK Carl, I’m not sure how this is similar to that article I wrote about the bi guy looking for a wife, as your case is very different. You seem to know that you’re bi, and proof of that is how you feel about your best friend (are you sure you’re not actually a gay in denial?). You’re still pretty young, so you may just be a bit confused at the moment.

Speaking of confusion, are you sure you have romantic feelings for your friend? Or is it just closeness and admiration you’re feeling for him? Sometimes people get confused when they think of a guy or girl as being this amazing person, good-looking, popular, and smart. They can then sometimes mix adoration and hero-worship with romantic feelings, as they are unsure of how else to express their desire to be close to this person they’ve put on a pedestal. Maybe it’s a desire to be like them, a kind of popularity osmosis?

Let’s assume that you really like him in a romantic way. Should you tell him about your feelings? Ordinarily, I’m all for being up front and honest about feelings, as it’s the best way to find out if those feelings are reciprocated. However, this case is a bit different, as you can be pretty sure that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you (unless he’s hiding in the closet as well... is it starting to get crowded in there yet?). In fact, I think you already know how he would feel if you told him about your feelings. You say he’s like a brother to you, and his reaction would probably be somewhat similar to how he would react if his real brother (or even sister or mother) told him the same thing. He’d be pretty shocked and be caught completely off guard, maybe even become angry.

The reason for this is because we assign special privileges of closeness to certain people. Family is allowed to be extremely close and trusted without the need for any defenses against romantic feelings. They just aren’t even remotely considered as a potential lover, so a hug or friendly wrestle is just that, without any sexual or romantic overtones. Similarly, you are a male friend who has undergone brotherly bonding over the years, and so are accorded the same kind of status. Any friendly tussles or shared dressing rooms are written off as completely safe and natural.

If you tell him you’re bi or gay, he may accept that (he is your friend after all), although he may now be a bit apprehensive about playing swordfights with you at the locker urinal. However, if you tell him your feelings for him, then he’ll go back over everything you’ve ever done with him and try and read things into them where you may have been taking advantage of his unconditional trust. Those communal showers won’t look so innocent now, and other memories will be similarly contaminated. He may have a hard time trusting you again, and if he does, it will be unlikely be at the same level as before.

My advice is not to tell him about your feelings for him. You can tell him that you’re bi, as that is something he can handle. It’s best that he doesn’t find out about this from someone else later. You’re still best friends, after all. I’ve had a couple of friends in the past who I thought might be bi or gay, but never bothered asking them as it really made no difference to the fact that they were my friends, as long as they respected the fact that I was straight and didn’t hit on me. Hopefully your friend will have the same attitude. If I were you I’d also do my best to get over my feelings as you’ll just be torturing yourself pining away for something you know will never happen. It’s a big world out there with lots of other guys (and girls don’t forget!) to choose from. Don’t ruin a great friendship and wonderful memories by pursuing this one. — Marc

Working Out Tips

Marc,

I’m in my late twenties and have started working out at the gym. I’ve had about 10 sessions only and I was wondering, should I use the gym equipment/machines, which I am doing or go to the weights room and lift the dumbbells and barbells? Which is more effective in giving me the body that I want (much like yours)? Also, I’ve read your article about the supplements you take and I think they cost a lot. So which is more important — the protein or Celltech? One last thing, my goal is to have a great upper body. I do two sets of 12 and 10 reps each. Is that enough? Can I do more sets on a particular equipment? Thanks dude. You’re cool! — Redd

Glad to hear that you’re beginning to hit the gym and take care of your fitness. A good gym should have qualified trainers who can give you a program and general idea of what exercises to do depending on what results you wish to achieve. Personally, I cycle my supplements and use both machines and free weights, as they both have their own advantages and disadvantages.

If you’re working out alone, then machines are generally safer, as you can adjust the weight to what you can manage without needing a spotter to catch the weight if you can’t do that final rep. Also, most machines have a specific motion, which ensures that you are performing the correct movement. This means you are less likely to injure yourself by having bad form or dropping a weight on your head. Just remember to read the instructions printed on the machine or ask a trainer how to adjust the machine for your height and also how to use it correctly. While generally safe, any piece of equipment in the gym should be treated with respect so you don’t get hurt.

I love using free weights for a couple of reasons. For one, it gives you a better gauge of your all-around strength. While the controlled range of movement of a machine works a very specific part of your body, using free weights also uses other minor muscles to keep the weight balanced and on track through the reps. You can usually push more weight with a machine, but if you have a good and motivational spotter, there are few things that can compete with the pumped feeling you get from doing three or four really hard sets with free weights. Once again, it’s very important to make sure you have the correct technique, especially with free weights. Bad technique with heavy weights can cause some pretty serious injuries.

Once you’ve got a routine that works for you, it is time to bump it up to the next level. I think it’s best when someone works out for a couple of weeks without using supplements first. That way, they can really see and feel the gains when they do start taking them. Make a note of the weights you’re using and the amount of reps you’re doing for a couple of weeks. Then try taking supplements for a month and you will see a huge improvement, both in your strength and recovery time, not to mention how much more pumped you will look and feel.

I know that supplements can be expensive sometimes, and I know that when I started working out I wondered if they were really worth it. Having tried them, I now know how much help they can be with my training. Of course, keeping in shape is not only a lifestyle for me, but also part of my job, so I make sure I use the very best supplements. However, if you are on a budget, there are brands of creatine and protein that are not as expensive as the ones I’ve mentioned in the past.

For instance, Lifetime brand Pure Creatine Monohydrate costs just over P1,000 for about 26 servings. The important thing to note is that one dose of creatine should include at least 5 grams of pure creatine monohydrate. The reason brands like Celltech are more expensive and effective is because they are also loaded with other supplements that help absorb the creatine faster and boost your energy in their own right. If you are taking just Creatine, try mixing it with a glucose rich drink like grape juice or Gatorade, as this will help transport the creatine to your bloodstream faster. As with all creatines, you still need to go through the five-day loading phase at the beginning of your cycle, and then take the 5-gram maintenance dose every day till you end your cycle. I usually stay on Creatine for about two months before going off it for an equal amount of time.

With protein, the reason I take Designer Proteins’ Glycerlean is because it is both time- released, and also lactose-reduced. If you are lactose intolerant, this is important. If not, then you may consider taking another brand of whey protein powder such as Twinlab’s Super Whey. It only costs about P2,050 retail for about 42 servings. Another protein alternative is Amino Acid pills. I prefer powder as my skin is sensitive to the pure amino acids, and sometimes get pimples, but only a few people have that reaction. As long as you are working out hard enough so that your muscles burn up the amount of aminos you’re taking, then this should not be a problem. The good thing about them is that they are cheaper than powders and more convenient to carry around and take.

If you’re wondering where to get any of these supplements, be careful about buying them from people you don’t know or tiangge stalls, as you’re never sure if you’re getting the real thing or just a refilled container with an inferior product. I suggest going to Health Express. They carry both Celltech and Glycerlean, as well as a lot of the less expensive brands such as Twinlab, Lifetime and USA Laboratories, to name a few. They also have a special membership deal for P300 a year which entitles you to 20-25 percent discount (making Lifetime’s creatine only P800) on all of their products every day of the year, compared to other places where you can only get a discount on a certain day of the month. Getting a membership and shopping there should drastically lower the cost of your supplements.

Hope this helped, and keep up the good work! If you stay motivated and eat and train correctly, I’m sure you’ll see impressive results in a very short time. Then it’s your job to educate and motivate your friends!

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Send questions to: question_marc @hotmail.com.