Single bisexual male seeks single straight female

Marc,

It’s been four years since I ended my two-year relationship with a bisexual.

I haven’t fallen in love since. I’m also a bisexual but at this point, I’m pretty sure I want to settle down with a straight girl and raise a family. I promise to be a good husband and father. I don’t want to grow old alone. Is love really a choice or is it fate? I’m a 30-year-old bachelor and successful professional but I’m afraid to court a woman. It’s been years since I last went a courting and had a girlfriend. I think I’ve forgotten how. What do you think is the best thing to do? I’m already contemplating posting an ad for a wife. — Groovy

You’re thinking about posting an ad for a wife? No offense or anything, but that sounds a little… um… desperate? I mean, maybe you can post an ad for a maid or a driver, but I’d hope meeting someone you expect to spend the rest of your life with would be a bit more personal. Who knows what kind of people would respond to an ad in the paper? At least when hiring an employee you can ask for references from previous employers. What do you do when you’re advertising for a wife? Ask for letters of reference from previous boyfriends or husbands? Then call them up and ask, "Excuse me sir, I believe you dated Susan for a year-and-a-half back in 1998? Do you mind if I ask what kind of a girlfriend she was? Any bad little habits like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or trying to kill you in your sleep?"

OK, I think we can forget about coming up with an ad that says "Wanted: wife, female, no prior wifing experience preferred." Let’s go back to your personal life. You’ve been single for four years, and your last relationship was with another bisexual. I’m going to assume that your ex was a bisexual man, as you probably wouldn’t be having this problem if it had been a bisexual woman. When you say you’re bisexual, are you being completely honest with yourself? Or is there a possibility that you’re actually gay, but afraid to admit it? Sometimes it can be difficult for a man to admit that he’s homosexual, and therefore puts himself in the "bi" category. I have a gay friend who tells me that the online dating service he uses has only a couple of hundred members registered as gay, but thousands upon thousands of male members who "will try anything once." He gets his dates from the latter category, and many end up being closet gays.

If you are in fact gay (you watch Baywatch for David Hasselhoff, not Pamela Anderson), then the whole marriage-and-kids thing could be a moot point, unless you move to Sweden where gay marriages are legal and adoption a possibility. However, if you are as you say bisexual, then there is more reason not to call dial-a-spouse. Most men are faced with the temptation of infidelity at some stage in their marriage. Hopefully, they are strong enough to resist it when it comes around. You, on the other hand, will not only be tempted by women other than your wife, but also by other men, and in fact an entire alternative lifestyle. You have to make sure that the person you want to marry is really special, that your love can withstand all forms of temptations.

Think about it carefully and don’t idly dismiss your former lifestyle as it could have a powerful pull on you later when you’re playing the role of husband and father. You say that "you promise to be a good husband and father." Make sure you can keep that promise before getting hitched.

Once again, if you’re confident that you can keep that promise, then you need to find a special someone to keep you happy in your new role. So where do you find her? It could be anywhere, a friend’s party, at a club, in the office, at the mall, or maybe even in the shoe department of a store in Puerto Princesa. Basically, no one can tell you where you’ll find your future wife, that’s really left to chance. In fact, there isn’t even a guarantee that you will find "the one." Even more importantly, you won’t know if you’re right for each other until you’ve gotten to know each other pretty well.

This takes us to the problem of how to woo her. Assuming you’ve met a girl that has potential (you’ve been checking out the shoe departments, haven’t you?), how do you court her? Remembering that I’m not a huge fan of traditional courting, I would suggest a friendly invitation to coffee one afternoon. This will not only help her relax, but also give you a chance to chat (better than a movie) and get to know each other. From there, you can slowly work your way up to more coffees, calls, texts, dinners, outings, etc. Remember to be yourself so she gets to see the real you. Pay attention to what she says and not only appear interested, but actually be interested. I daresay that some of these techniques are similar to what occurred between you and your ex in the past as well. Guys and girls aren’t really all that dissimilar when they like someone.

Finally, if all that searching and getting-to-know-you stuff pays off, and the two of you are ready to settle down, then there is just one last thing you may consider doing. Tell your fiancée about your past. You may have done so by that time already, but in case you were afraid to, now would be a good time. If she really loves and understands you, then she’ll accept it and still love you for who you are now. What’s more, it’s best not to keep any secrets from your partner, most especially when there is even the slightest chance that she could find out from someone else in the future (e.g., a vindictive or just plain careless ex-boyfriend). You should both understand that you might always be attracted to both sexes, but the important thing is that the only person you want to be with is your wife. — Marc

Advice From The Stars

Hi There!

I’ve long been a fan and I enjoy reading your articles. Great job! I just want to ask: is it wrong to believe in astrology? What is your opinion on this?

Thanks and more power! — Gemini

Astrology huh? As in "all Geminis should look out for buses if they cross the road today…" I think it’s OK to believe in it a little bit, but it certainly shouldn’t rule your life, and any advice given on the grounds of your date of birth should be taken with a grain of salt.

Now the reason I don’t discount the value of astrology completely is partly because it has been around for such a long time (since at least 2000 BC), and also because it is so closely linked with the scientific study of astronomy. Anything that has been used by some of the greatest thinkers of all time (such as Aristotle and Isaac Newton) can’t be completely unfounded, although what many know as astrology nowadays is a bit of an embarrassment to the purer form they believed in.

I’m guessing that the astrology that you believe in is the kind you read in the newspaper — the horoscope, where each sign has a forecast for the day. If you think about it, isn’t it a bit odd for millions of people who share the same star sign to have the same forecast? For instance, if you’re an Aquarian, and your sign says that you will receive an important phone call today, does that mean that a bushman in the Kalahari desert of Africa who happens to be born in early February will also get an important phone call today? Even though he’s never even seen a phone before?

If you read the horoscope columns carefully, you’ll notice that most of the advice or forecasts are very general and can really apply to anyone. Not only that, after you read your own, you’ll try and subconsciously think of something that has happened in your day that you can relate it to, essentially making it come true by interpretation. If it says "you will meet an old friend today," and then you go out and see someone you haven’t seen in years, then you’ll be convinced it was foretold. But what if you meet a friend you haven’t seen in months? Or weeks? Can this friend still be classified an old friend? What if it’s someone you saw yesterday, but have known for a long time? Or someone you saw three days ago but is very old in years? They could all be defined as "old friend."

A real test would be if you read all 12 horoscopes at the end of a day without looking at the signs, and then tried to pick the one that best described how your day went. I daresay you’ll get it wrong about 11 times out of 12.

Really, there isn’t any harm in believing in commercial astrology within reason, and even I read my horoscope from time to time out of curiosity. However, what you must realize is that you personally have a lot more control over your own destiny than the stars and your birth date combined. So if you’re a Gemini, listen to that horoscope when it tells you to look out for buses as you cross the road. And if you’re not a Gemini… look out for those darn buses anyway.

What If She’s The One?

Dear Marc,

Hey, wazzup? I hope you can help me with my problem. There’s a girl I really like. She’s my classmate and seatmate. I was going to tell her I love her but she beat me to it and told me that she has a boyfriend. That really broke my heart. I have tried to forget her but she’s always so sweet to me. Sometimes she would say she loves me although she’s crazy about her boyfriend. It’s now two months before our vacation and I’m afraid I won’t see her again because I might transfer to another school. This is really hard because I think she’s the one. She’s the reason I became a better man and I don’t want to lose her. Should I tell her that I love her? But I don’t want to disrupt her relationship with her boyfriend. What should I do? Please help. Thanks. — Creep

You, my friend, should really work on your timing. Who knows? If you’d gotten up the courage a month or two earlier, she might have started dating you before she even met the other guy. However, what’s done is done, and she’s crazy about this other guy. Or is she?

You say that she is so sweet to you and even tells you that she loves you, yet still manages to be crazily in love with her boyfriend. Sounds like you’re getting mixed signals buddy, and I don’t blame you for thinking that. Maybe she does really like you. But before you start thinking about meeting her parents, maybe you should also consider another possibility. What if she’s being so sweet and nice to you because she’s so happily in love with her boyfriend? If something is going really well in a person’s life, he/she feels good and wants to spread this good feeling to the people around him/her. So this girl being sweet to you could just be a reflection of her general feeling of goodwill.

One way of checking this is to observe if she is similarly sweet to other friends or classmates. If she constantly has a huge grin on her face and looks happy even after the teacher announces a surprise test, then maybe that sweetness is directed to the world in general and not just focused on you.

Another possibility to consider is that she no longer feels threatened or uncomfortable around you now that she has a boyfriend. I’m not saying that she thinks you’re a psycho stalker (you’re not, right?), but she may just have gotten the feeling that you liked her before, and felt a bit uncomfortable about the fact because she didn’t like you in the same way and wasn’t sure how to let you know. Now that she’s happily in love, she’s not afraid to tell you, and in doing so she considers herself automatically out of your frame of desirability as she’s obviously taken. This means she can be sweet to you knowing that it should just be taken as a friendly thing with no other connotations because, hey! She’s taken and therefore, is just a friend.

There will, however, always be that niggling fear at the back of your mind that she does in fact like you for real. So what do you do about it? Well, the only way you’re going to be able to sleep at night is to find out for sure, and that means telling her how you feel. This doesn’t mean you have to clumsily blurt out "I think I love you, leave your boyfriend and spend the rest of your days with me!" There is such a thing as subtlety. Perhaps you could mention in passing that her boyfriend is such a lucky guy. Or ask her in a friendly, joking way whether she ever realized that you always had a big crush on her. Check out her reaction and that should give you an idea of how she feels about you.

You could also try getting her number so that you have a way of keeping in contact even if you do change schools. You should remember that if you like her that much, then be prepared to wait. Maybe in a few months she might break up with her boyfriend, at least if you’re still in contact, you have a chance. Certainly a lot more than if you lost contact altogether.

When you tell her you’ve always liked her, also make it clear that you don’t want to get between her and her boyfriend in any way, and that you’re honored to just be her friend. This not only gives you an excuse to stay in contact with her, but she’ll remember that you didn’t try and do something sleazy like break up her relationship. Who knows how that opinion might affect any possible future together (besides being the morally correct thing to do).

Lastly, by all means keep in touch with her, but remember to open your eyes and notice the other people around you. If she truly is happy in her present relationship, then you should keep your options open. There are a multitude of wonderful girls in this country, and I’m sure that if you look hard or wait long enough, you can find someone unattached and who’s just right for you.

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Send questions to: question_marc@hotmail.com