Don’t be the other woman

Hi Marc!

There’s this guy who has been open with his feelings for me for two years now. He has a girlfriend but has been telling my friends that he still loves me. I kinda like him, too, but I don’t want to hurt his girlfriend’s feelings. Do you think I should wait for him to break up with her before I reciprocate? — Separated

Wow, your story kind of makes me feel sorry for the girlfriend. Since the two of you like each other so much, why didn’t you get together before he got a girlfriend? I can only assume that you might have been playing a little too hard to get, and this other girl was a lot quicker in accommodating his advances, so he settled for her. OK, settled may be a cruel term, but if he’s being honest when he says that he still feels strongly for you, then that’s exactly what it is.

So your dilemma now is what to do with this guy. He likes, or rather has never stopped liking you, and you feel the same way for him. Life would be perfect if it weren’t for this itsy-bitsy detail called a "girlfriend". (What a nuisance morals can be! Always getting in the way of instant gratification!) I know how tempting it must be for you to do something on the sly and just keep things quiet. In fact, you may even derive some taboo thrill of doing something against the rules. I have one word of advice for you though — don’t.

I’m a big endorser of people being with whomever they want, but that shouldn’t mean disrespecting other people in the process. Remember, you can do what you want, as long as no one gets hurt, either physically or emotionally. While getting together with this guy now would satisfy your short-term desire of wanting to be together, it comes with the hefty price tag of making a mockery of this other girl’s love and trust for the same guy. Even if she doesn’t find out, it’s still unfair.

If the temptation gets really strong, try the old trading places routine, i.e., put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel if you were with the guy and he was fooling around with someone he had more feelings for than you. Better yet, start believing in karma — what goes around, comes around. If you did end up with this guy, wouldn’t you always be wary of him doing the same thing to you if he finds someone else he likes more?

Hopefully, it’ll never come to that, and it seems like you already know the correct route to take, but just need some support to stand by the decision. You’re right, the best thing to do is to wait for him to break up with his girlfriend before you even begin to entertain the thought of getting together with him. Although the breakup will hurt the girlfriend, at least it’s better than being cheated on. Not only that, it will also prove that this guy really does want to be with you, and isn’t just saying that so he can fool around with you while staying with his girlfriend. I know a couple of female friends who have made the mistake of falling for a guy who’s already in a relationship thinking that he loves them and will eventually leave his wife/girlfriend for them. In the end, it usually ends up that my friends just become glorified mistresses. Don’t make that mistake.

Stick to what you know is the right thing to do and don’t even date him till he’s single. If he really wants you as much as he tells your friends, he’ll do the right thing by everyone and break up with his girlfriend before trying to court you. — Marc

* * * Purely Platonic

Hey Marc!

I was really surprised when I read an item in your column titled "Can guys fall for gays?" Incidentally, it was on the same day that I encountered what one might call a "disgusting" experience. I’m 18 and this other guy is 24; I’m straight and he’s gay. We’re close, so much so, I often go to his house and stay overnight, thinking nothing would happen. On this particular night, something did happen. He kissed me really hard. I was really shocked and couldn’t stop him. Now he thinks everything is just fine. On the contrary, I don’t like what he did to me. I am bothered by what happened. I hate him. What am I supposed to do? What will my friends think if they found out what happened? Please help. — R.R.

Sounds like your gay friend made one heck of a big mistake and has just ruined a perfectly good friendship. As I’ve mentioned before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a gay man and a straight man being friends.

There are, however, certain boundaries that should never be crossed. Perhaps the most important one of these is that under no circumstances whatsoever should the gay man make initial advances on the straight guy. If the "straight" guy is in fact bi, still in the closet or whatever, then it would be his prerogative to make the first move. If he doesn’t, then the gay guy should take that as a sign that the straight one really is straight, and shouldn’t even think of playing tonsil hockey.

On your part, it’s understandable that you were in shock. After all, this is a friend you trusted would never take advantage of the situation. In his defense, it is kind of unusual for a straight guy to be sleeping over with a gay guy all the time, so there is a possibility that he took your closeness as something more than friendship, and just decided to act on it one night. This doesn’t make it right by any means, but should remind you in the future to keep the lines of "friendship only" clearly drawn.

Now comes a time where you have to make a decision on whether or not you want to remain friends. I know that at the moment you feel like you hate him, and part of that is because you’re disgusted with yourself for not pushing him away immediately, which you think others might use to question your sexuality. Personally, I think your were probably just in shock as I mentioned before, so don’t stress out about it too much. If you discount the feeling of disgust, do you still hate him? How strong is/was your friendship with this guy?

The best course of action now I think is to talk to him and get everything out in the open. Tell him you feel betrayed, dirty, and extremely hurt that he tried something with you. Also, explain that you are very much straight and under no circumstances should he ever think of you otherwise (unless you start borrowing his heels and hitting on his boyfriends). Depending on his reaction, you may or may not decide to keep him as a friend. If you do, then he’ll understand why you are keeping a bit of distance from him until you’re assured it’ll never happen again. If, however, you decide to sever all ties with him, at least he’ll know why, and if he’s a real friend, hopefully, he will also understand and accept it as the consequence of his mistake.

As for what your other friends will think, they’ll only know if you tell them, and that’s a call only you can make. If you think they’re the understanding type, they’ll probably tell you it’s no big deal, joke about it a bit, brush it off and cheer you up. If, however, you think they’ll get outraged and want to get some macho, testosterone-induced vengeance or whatever, then it’s probably better if you just keep it quiet. If more people make a big deal of it, the more embarrassed you’ll feel. For future reference though, it’s OK to joke around with a homosexual friend, and even be close. Just make sure that you’re not sending out mixed signals and that they understand that the two of you are just friends in the purely platonic sense of the word. — Marc

* * * Get Abs-Olutely Fit

Hey There!

I want to have a great body like yours. I’m 28 years old, 5’8" tall and weigh 140 lbs. I would like to bulk up a bit so I plan to start working out in the gym. I have some questions which I hope you can answer:

1) What are low-carb and high-carb diets? What do I need between the two?

2) Should I also drink Celltech and Glycerlean when I start working out?

3) Do I still need to do cardio before workouts considering that I don’t want to lose weight?

4) How can I have well-defined abs like yours? (I have bilbil)

5) Do you work out every day? — Michael

Remember, weight is not so much a factor as how you look and feel. That should be more of a guide on how you need to work out, what diet to adopt and supplements to take. It’s good that you have committed yourself to start working out, especially as you’re in your late 20s and your metabolism will start slowing down soon (who said guys are afraid of commitment!). So now, to answer to your questions:

1) Carbohydrates are burned up by your body, producing the energy you need to get through the day and fuel your workouts. However, if your body does not need that much energy (i.e., you’re sitting around like a lazy slob watching TV all day), then those carbohydrates don’t get burned up, and instead convert to that tub of lard you rest your beer can on.

If you want to trim down the fat content of your body, you can try a low-carb diet. This starves your body of carbs and it is then forced to burn up some of your fat for your daily energy requirements. A low-carb diet means avoiding carbohydrate foods such as rice, pasta, root vegetables and other starches, etc. The disadvantage is that if you’re not careful, you can binge-eat after you’ve lost the weight and gain it all back in a couple of days.

If you want to gain mass, then sometimes you need to try a high-carb diet. This is useful for guys who work and want to get really big. They take a high-carb diet (which means more calories), lift really heavy to bulk up, and then diet to trim down the fat later. The disadvantage here is making sure that you do get around to trimming off all those excess French Fries later.

2) If you’re trying to gain some lean mass and strength, then yes, creatine in the form of Celltech, and protein in the form of Glycerlean will definitely help a lot. If you’re not sure where to find them, try Health Express. The friendly staff there will give you tips on how to get the most out of them.

3) Yes. You should always try and do some cardio before working out, not only to lose weight or increase your level of fitness, but also to warm up your muscles so that they don’t start lifting cold, which can cause serious injury. Also remember to stretch before, during and after a workout, and warm down with some more cardio at the end.

4) Now this is where you’ve contradicted yourself and also proven the point of looking and feeling good compared to just weighing yourself. You think you’re underweight and don’t think you need cardio because you want to put on weight. However, if you have that little fatty paunch, or bilbil, then that means your bodyfat content is too high. If you work out and watch your diet, you could have lower body fat, greatly improved physique and still be the same weight.

To achieve good abs, you need to do two things. Firstly, work them out as much as you can and vary the exercises you do for them (crunches, leg extension exercises, standing twists and bends). Really push yourself but make sure you are using correct technique and not putting too much pressure on your hip flexors (inner thighs), vertebrae or lower back.

Secondly, you really need to work on that body fat thing. Everyone has abs, as they are essential muscles that help us keep upright when we walk.

However they can never be seen behind a thick layer of fat. By training them hard and heavy, you will pump them up and make them more pronounced, but you need to accompany that with a fat-burning diet and routine that will let the new and improved six-pack be seen.

5) When you first start working out, three to four times a week is OK for weight training; cardio you can do almost every day. With the weight training, you need to give your muscles time to rest and rebuild, which is the process that makes them bigger and stronger. Alternate your workout into separate groups so that there is about a week or at least three days between working out the same major muscle group (i.e. example: Chest/triceps on Monday, Legs/butt on Wednesday, back/biceps on Friday). For abs, I work them out every time I go to the gym.

Well, I hope that helps you out a bit. Judging from your questions, I think you need to gain some muscle and lose some fat. Ask a trainer to test and measure you, then figure out a program designed to achieve your specific goals. Make sure that you stick to it and work out as hard as possible each time you go. Watch what you eat and take the right supplements at the right times to speed up the process. Most important of all, don’t give up. You may not see immediate results, but stick with it and who knows? In the future you may find that people will be asking you for fitness advice. — Marc

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