‘Di bale’ntines

For the 21th-century Casanova, there is no rest. With half-healed bruises from the financial backlash of that unexpected Christmas shopping splurge, along with those half-nursed hangovers from the "too-early-to-be-forgotten" New Year’s hoopla — Valentine’s couldn’t have picked a worse time to rear its ugly head (though men ironically tend to forget that its ugly head rears itself on the very same day every year.)

Less than a week left to lay out that perfect evening, counting the hours; though that doesn’t count for much in Filipino time. Romantic standards have hit an all time high this year, and the pressure is on for the men to put on one death-defying performance on the beloved 14th. It’s like going to war for E-Male and if you haven’t gotten a plan going this time, you could always jump into the action head-on and just hope for the best.

But for the pacifist, and those either too obsessive-compulsive or too (blindly and quite foolishly) in love with their significant other — maybe it is time to flip open that child-proof casing and hit that bright red panic button. It is less than a week and anyway. So all-ye scalawags, all hands on deck, raise the anchor, ready the mast and other anachronistic piracy jargon... Valentine’s off the port bow.

Then again, maybe this whole Valentine’s nonsense is going a teeny bit overboard. Maybe we’re all up for a lot of high-blood pressure with no one to squeeze our little arms in the first place. A bit heavy on the metaphor, but it is just the day most women look forward to with all these senti pining about absentee Romeos or non-existent Prince Charmings. It’s not the end of the world when a Valentine’s evening goes tragically awry. So there’s really no pressure. No stress. That is, if you’re single.

Over 80 percent of single men have been noted to have far less symptoms of stress during the 14th than men in relationships. And on the female front, over 20 percent of all relationships are put under heat because of failed (or rather, non-existent) Valentine plans. Statistically speaking, it’s not just a date anymore.

But then again, if you were Casanova, then there’s hardly any problem. A mild dash of charm and wit, with a sprinkling of an evening out in the city, and the night would be complete (though there’s a little bit of co-curricular activity back at her place). But not everyone is a Lord of Libido though Viagra sales expect to erect — no pun intended — new record highs in sales. Or, there’s always that new date-rape drug that’s been going around recently... But that’s so last season, and no, we are not endorsing that here.

But on the up and up, there are still seven days to do some thinking, some planning, and some practice before the big day. It could just happen in seven days. Just look at what God did.

There are a number of unique ways to get the job done right this Valentine’s, especially with the special day falling coincidentally on a Friday. Although it would’ve been much simpler if the blasted occasion decided to peacefully settle down in the middle of a work week, just to keep things simple. But it seems that Cupid is definitely going for broke this year, and has licked any chance of sneaking out early by squeezing in quite nicely on the day before the week ends. In other words, an evening out in the city has just become mandatory. But we’re trying to keep our options open.

One could always opt for the standard, dinner and movie formula (though, you could also throw in a little bit of extra icing by not trying to feel up her skirt between trailers). Just check the local screenings and snag a number of a good Italian restaurants in the area, and you’re all set. If you’re lucky, you could get all that done in the very same afternoon. Otherwise, by winging it by choosing the restaurant as well as the movie right then and there is also the way to go.

Whatever it takes, it being the run-up to Valentine’s Day, every chick-a-bage will be expecting a little bit of extra spice on your part. A tiny treat so to speak. Some added filling to their Pop-tarts. A supposed bonus for sticking it out with you this long. Something to make Valentine’s a day to remember again 364 days later.

You could always decide on having multiple "treats" laid out through out the day (being the over-romantic gullible wanna-be prince-charming that you are). But if you can afford to have a plan like that under your belt, then maybe you shouldn’t be reading this little column at all. For those on the more peso-pinching side of the financial bracket, there are still a few things you could try or learn within the week. The following is merely a list, brought to you especially by E-Male, though he does encourage a bit of creativity if you whip up something more original:

a) Learn how to ballroom and wow her on the dance floor.

b) Learn how to cook and wow her in the kitchen.

c) Learn how to sing and wow her on the balcony.

d) Learn how to paint and wow her on canvas

e) Learn how to do it right and wow her anywhere and anyway you want.

A little bit too intimidating? Fear not, there are dozens of instant education centers that guarantee the acquisition of new talent within days (no refund of course, all failure is held accountable to the lack of potential of the client). And as E-Male would’ve loved to give free lessons on all of these and his other skills, being quite the busy attorney that he is, you can always snap the all-time favorite one-liner: Your place or my discount card?

This doesn’t go to show that men are more pressured than women in preparing for V-Day. It just means that men care a lot more. "Di bale," there are still seven days.

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E-mail E-Male at: argee@justice.com.