She loves me, she loves me not

Hi there! My question is how can you tell if a girl really likes/loves you? It’s easy to say you love someone, but I believe that actions speak louder than words. Thank you and hey, I read your column often and I think you’re great. — Jay

So, you’ve got a girl you like, and she tells you she loves you but you’re not sure if she’s telling the truth, huh? Strange, but I usually get these questions from girls — they want to know how they can they tell if the guy really loves them or not. With girls, most of the time their fears are based on insecurities or bad experiences from the past. For instance, a guy says he loves a girl and then does otherwise. It’s refreshing to see that guys have the same concerns and are not afraid to admit them.

Now what is it about this girl that makes you suspicious about her sincerity? Does she tell you she loves you and then goes out and dates other guys? Or are you just concerned because she doesn’t want to spend every minute of every day with you? (Poor baby). I’m not sure what kind of relationship the two of you have, as love can be a different experience for different people in different situations.

For instance, you tell your mom or even your pet dog that you love them, but that doesn’t mean you love them in a romantic way (unless your name is Oedipus or your favorite outfit is a white jacket with long sleeves that can be tied at the back…). You probably fight with your brother all the time but still love him. Of course, with a girl it’s different. This is a romantic head-over-heels type love. Are you sure you’re both on the same wavelength?

I have a few close female friends, who I’m not afraid to say "I love you" to, and vice-versa. But this is a love of friendship, companionship and caring, not romantic I-want-you-to-bear-my-children type love. Do you think there is a possibility that this girl is talking about friendship-type love rather than the kind that involves candlelight dinners and horizontal folk dancing? If she’s out dating other guys and not acting very loving towards you, then this could well be the case. Is it possible that you have gotten your lines crossed?

Let’s assume for a moment that this is the real thing and the two of you are actually in a romantic type relationship at the moment. As I mentioned, you may suspect her of being less than honest about her feelings if she does not act the way you expect a girl to act if she loves you. Many people get sucked into a relationship and suddenly it becomes their whole world. They spend all of their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend and the relationship becomes priority numero uno. Other friends, interests and family become secondary, if considered at all. Sure those things are still important, but everything is dropped if it means they can spend a few more minutes with their partner.

Now if you have experienced that kind of a relationship in the past, and now you go out with a girl who is more independent and wants to keep her former lifestyle and friends, you may become somewhat confused. How can this girl say she loves me, yet still want to see her friends, or go to her weekly piano lessons or whatever?

If this is the case, then count yourself lucky. Not only do you have a girl who probably does mean it when she tells you she loves you, but she also has the independence and strength of character to want to be her own person as well as your girlfriend. Let her keep her lifestyle and you’ll both come to cherish the moments you do get to spend together even more.

Of course, if she’s not like that, then you may have reason to be suspicious. There is little you can do about it though. Either accept what she tells you as the truth and enjoy the relationship, or break up with her if she’s lying. Try asking her straight to her face and see how she reacts. If she seems uncomfortable when she answers, then press a bit further, but be prepared to get dumped if she thinks you’re too suspicious for no reason. Either way, you can’t keep the relationship going until you’ve resolved this to your own satisfaction one way or the other. A relationship should be built around trust, and if that is in question, then you need to solve it as soon as possible before it eats away at the foundation of your love for each other. — Marc

* * * So You Want To Be A Model?

Dear Marc,

One of my biggest dreams is to become a commercial or fashion model. I believe I have the guts to become one but my parents won’t allow me.

Once, I tried to join MTV Fashionista and Bodyshots but my dad found out and didn’t give me permission. Another time, I was asked by a magazine to do a photo shoot for them but I turned it down because of my parents. I really envy my schoolmates who are into modeling. In fact one of them just won Bodyshots. I’m not after fame or money, I just want the experience. Many of my friends have asked me to try modeling but my parents tell me that modeling might interfere with my studies. What should I do now to convince them to think otherwise? — Hottie

Your parents actually have a valid fear that you might get caught up in the modeling industry and pay less attention to your schooling. Try and understand where they’re coming from, as they don’t want you to sacrifice your future for a short-lived career as a model. Modeling is an enjoyable field, but with so many new faces joining the industry every year, it can be difficult to make a career out of it for very long. That’s why it’s important to finish school and do well in your studies.

You may think that these modeling offers are opportunities that only come once in a blue moon, so you should grab them while you can. This is often true, but your education should always be the priority in the long run. I know a few young models who try and balance their modeling career with school. Some manage quite well, while others have practically dropped out of school, or are absent so often that their grades are pretty miserable.

You seem to really want to model a lot. Normally, if someone wants something so bad, they will immerse themselves totally into it if they have a chance. This is what often happens with the young models who let their schooling deteriorate. They get caught up in the scene and would prefer to go to VTRs or fashion show castings rather than attend school (are you sure this interest is not just a convenient excuse to ditch your math class?). This is not the way to go, and it’s exactly what your parents are scared of.

So how do you persuade them to let you model? Well, the first thing you need to do is convince them that it would not in any way interfere with your studies. Not only that, but you also need to make a commitment to yourself that your studies will always take first priority.

Set some ground rules to apply for yourself and try pitching these to your parents. Tell them that you’ll only attend VTRs and castings after school, on weekends and during holidays, and you’ll never accept a modeling job if it interferes with your schoolwork. You may just want to start with holidays anyway so it doesn’t interfere with homework. This may mean that you’ll miss out on a few jobs, but it’s better to miss out on those few than not be allowed to do any at all, right?

If they are still apprehensive about letting you model, then it may be time to bring out the big guns. This is where you’ll find out how much you really want to do this. Make a deal with your parents. There are two ways you can try: One, tell them that if your grades ever start getting worse, you’ll stop modeling and not pursue it again until you finish college. Two, offer them an incentive deal. If they let you try modeling, you will not only keep up your studies, but you’ll also work harder and improve your grades. This would show them how committed you are to want to try modeling, and you would keep them happy because your marks would be higher. It wouldn’t be easy, but if you want something badly enough, you have to be prepared to work at it.

You could also try mentioning that it would be good exposure to meet new people and learn how to manage your time, etc. You would also be earning your own pocket money and could therefore begin to understand the value of money and a work ethic. It’s also important to find a good and reliable agent who understands your situation and won’t pressure you into working on school days. Let the agent meet your parents and help convince them that your studies will remain the top priority. You might also want some of your modeling friends to come over some time and tell your parents how they’ve managed to handle school and modeling at the same time (preferably the ones with good grades — not the dropouts).

Lastly, if you do manage to persuade your parents into letting you model, don’t betray their trust by doing something silly like skipping school for modeling without telling them. If they let you model, be grateful and work hard to prove that they haven’t made a mistake by allowing you to do it. And remember, your looks will only last so long, but your education will be there to back you up forever. — Marc

* * * Suicide Is Not Painless

Dear Marc,

I wanna kill myself! And I just might do it soon enough. I study at the Ateneo although I do not belong to an affluent family. This is because of a scholarship given by the school. However, I don’t know if I can maintain it till next year. I need a QPI grade of not less than 3! If I don’t make the grade, I’m going to kill myself. I know killing is wrong. I could always study in another school if I lose my scholarship. But the problem is — I don’t want to transfer to another school. I love Ateneo. Please help me! — Anthame

You’re right, you do need help, but the person who can help you most is yourself. At the moment, you are under a lot of pressure to keep your grades up, and it may seem like an impossible task, but you know that it is possible. The school gave you the scholarship for a reason, probably because you have the intelligence and determination to deserve it. Now is the time to prove how well you can do.

There is nothing worth killing yourself for. Most especially when you’re a young and intelligent guy with your whole future ahead of you. It may sound like a cliché, but you really do have everything to live for. At the moment you’re just going through a depression brought on by stress and hard work. What you should try to do is look at the big picture.

When you are depressed or stressed about something, you tend to internalize that depression and think about only that. This sucks you deeper into that hole where all you can think about is how bad it is. This in turn spins your thoughts off to other things that are not going well in your life, no matter how petty, and further fuels your depression. It’s a vicious cycle that feeds off itself. What you need to do is break out of this cycle. Whenever I get depressed, I try to think of how my life has been as a whole, not just the portion that’s upsetting me at the moment. Try and think of the good things that are important in your life. Me? I think about the fact that I’m healthy, have family and friends who care about me, and that no matter how bad things get, I’m always confident that I’ll be able to find a job somehow and make do at the very least. These may not sound like much, but when it gets down to it, aren’t these the things that really matter? Let’s try putting it another way. No matter how bad things may seem, there are always so many other people in the world who live a life nowhere near as blessed as yours. Think of children begging on the street. Don’t you think they’d love to have the opportunity to attend any school whatsoever? How about a cripple, or an orphan? What do you think they would give to have the use of their limbs or a family to care for them?

Think of all the good times you’ve had in your life. Christmases, birthdays, girlfriends, nights out, etc. Now imagine how many more you have waiting for you in the future. When it really comes down to it, you’ll realize that life is not so bad. Keep your cool and direct all your efforts into getting great grades until you finish school. If you really concentrate, you know you can probably pull off the grades you need. It’s just for a few years, and after that, you can relax a bit, because by then you’ll already have the degree. However, if it really is too much for you and you can’t handle the stress, then moving to another school is not the end of the world. Sure Ateneo is a wonderful school, and I understand your wanting to stay there, but it’s certainly not a good enough reason to be thinking suicide! I think you probably know that deep down, what you’re suggesting is not the answer. You’re stressed and upset, and it feels like the end of the world, but when you really think about it, you’ll realize there are other, much more viable solutions to the problem. So, either buckle down and study hard, or think of switching courses or schools. You’ll still have the same friends and maybe make some new ones. More importantly, learn how to cope with your depression and don’t let it rule your life. Fight it and become a stronger person. I’ll bet a few years from now you’ll look back at this point of your life and be thankful that you’re alive to have enjoyed all the things you’ve accomplished and experienced. — Marc

* * *

Send questions to: question_marc@ hotmail.com