Swimming against the flow
January 13, 2003 | 12:00am
Dear Marc,
I’m male and a college freshman. I have a problem. I got this college scholarship because I’m a very good swimmer. But I want to stop because I don’t get along with my teammates. They hate me! We don’t get along; they play pranks on me and tease me constantly. I don’t know what to do. This scholarship is my only chance in getting a college education because my family is not rich. I need your help desperately.  Bullied
Remember when you were a kid, and there was always one kid that got picked on or bullied at school? You might have even made fun of him yourself once in a while. Well, it sounds like you’ve now assumed that role among your teammates. It’s true that they’re being quite cruel and immature about this, but as is often the case within groups, one person is usually pigeon-holed as the resident "prankee." This is especially true within groups of athletes. I’m not sure if it’s the overflow of testosterone or all that elitist male bonding that makes it easy for them to start picking on someone new or different.
I wouldn’t be too concerned about what they’re teasing you about, as they are probably just looking for any excuse to pick on you, and have decided to choose anything that would get the most reaction from you. If it wasn’t that, it would be your speech, social background, color, hairstyle or whatever. Long and short of it is that if people want to make fun of someone, they will often make something up until they get the desired result.
So why did they decide to pick on you? Well, as you’re a freshman, I assume you’re one of the newest on the team. In addition, you are good enough to have gotten there on a scholarship, so the other guys might be feeling a bit threatened that some young hotshot will be better than them.
By teasing you and making you feel uncomfortable, maybe you won’t swim as well as you usually do and they won’t feel so threatened.
Also, as the new guy, maybe this is your rite of passage on the team. It could be that last year they picked on someone else, and the only reason that he got off the hook this year is because you came along. Things could be a lot worse. In Canadian hockey teams, they shave the new teammates completely bald as part of the hazing, and I don’t mean the hair on their heads…
So what do you do now? Well, it may sound difficult to do, but your best bet is to just ignore them, or maybe throw a couple of little side comments back. Of course the best way to get back at them is to outperform them in the pool. Anytime they make fun of you, take the higher ground and tell them straight out: "I know you’re just feeling threatened because I might beat you in the pool. Don’t worry, I’ll try and swim slow so you won’t feel so bad." Do, however, say it jokingly, as you don’t want to come off as mayabang.
It might also help if you have a chat with a couple of them one-on-one (they’re more likely to listen individually when they don’t have to impress the rest of the group), and tell them that you are having a hard time feeling part of the team when they give you such a hard time. It may be OK to tease you in jest once in a while, just as long as it’s not serious and everyone (yourself included) can have a bit of a laugh about it later. It may seem hard to manage, but the more you let it affect you, the more miserable you’re going to be.
When it really comes down to it, your swimming is what got you into college in the first place. It’s also what will keep you there thanks to your scholarship. No matter how badly you may feel at times, this is your future and you don’t want to throw that away. Some pranks and hurtful words should not affect your entire future, as a college degree is very important. Stick with it, and I daresay that next year, the focus will have moved onto the next new guy. Just remember how you feel now and have some pity on him when it’s his turn.  Marc
Dear Marc,
Hi! I am really impressed with your column. When my father buys The STAR on Friday, I immediately look for your column. I am a sophomore student of Holy Infant College. My problem is… I have been an honor student since freshman. Now, I have a classmate who’s my very best friend. I enjoy being with her but she is my competitor when it comes to studies. I rank 3rd while she ranks 4th in class. I don’t want to compete with her because she is my friend. Is it OK if I don’t study hard so she’ll be 3rd and I’ll be 4th in the class?  Name Withheld
Hang on, are you sure that this is not just some convenient excuse for you not to work hard? "Sorry, Mom and Dad, the reason I’m going out all the time and not doing my homework is because I don’t want my friend to feel bad about my beating her in class. Isn’t that admirable of me?…" Nice try. OK, Now I have a question for you. Say the roles were switched, and she was the one ahead of you. How would you like it if she intentionally did badly so that you thought you were better? You probably wouldn’t want her to sacrifice her hard work and future for you now, would you? I know I’d feel really small and insignificant if someone did that for me. It would be like they were feeling sorry for me. "Oh, poor so-and-so. They’re not smart enough to do well on their own, so I should just play dumb so they don’t feel so stupid."
It’s nice that the two of you are such good friends, and also that you’re willing to make such a large (but wrong) sacrifice for your friend. However, I daresay she would not appreciate it at all if she found out.
Also, I think you’re approaching this problem from a completely wrong angle. You don’t want her to feel bad that you’re doing better than her, right? Fair enough, but instead of slacking off to drop down to her academic level, maybe you could work together with her to bring her up to yours?
I finished college a while ago, so the best present-day analogy I can give you is when I go to the gym and work out with others. I have a couple of good friends who are just starting to work out. Seeing as they haven’t been at it as long as I have, they naturally can’t lift as heavy, or their technique might be a bit off. Now these are close buddies, and I don’t want them to feel bad or uncomfortable in any way. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m about to slack off and lift light with lousy technique just to make them feel better. On the contrary, I help and advise them as much as possible, spot them when they need it, and make sure they are pushing themselves to the limit of their abilities. Partly because of this, as well as their own hard work and commitment, they have been progressing leaps and bounds. The transformation is really satisfying to both parties (plus I have friends around to spot me as well now).
So, if you really want to help your friend, don’t take any step backward. Instead, do as much as you can to help her jump forward. Who knows, maybe sometime, someone else will do the same for you.
Hi Marc,
Good day! I am one of the many people who read your column every Friday. I admire the way you inject wit in your answers. Anyway, here’s my thing: I consider myself to be a stylish man and a good number of my friends have said so. After reading a number of youth culture magazines, they say that men with a sense of style are gay. I disagree. I just think that one should dress for the part, and not just follow what everyone says is "cool" and "out there." For instance, my pants are mostly straight-cut (I figure since I am only 5’9, I should disguise it a bit) when everybody else is wearing baggy and elephant pants. My shirts are fit  not even a size extra (I have a thin frame with a little muscle in the triceps/biceps area). Am I weird? Your thoughts, please.  GQ
Yes, you are weird. A freak of nature who shouldn’t be let out on a day pass and kept away from small furry animals. Ha, ha, just kidding. There’s nothing wrong with being a little weird, as all it really means is that you’re not considered a "normal" person. I, for one, quite enjoy being a bit different from the rest of the crowd, as it’s nice to have the confidence to express one’s individuality without feeling the need to conform to everyone else.
So your friends think you’re a stylish guy? Cool. Good for you. Just because you wear straight-cut pants and correct-sized shirts doesn’t mean you’re gay (my own heterosexual wardrobe has quite a few of these items. I keep them right next to my handbag collection, as a matter of fact). It just means you know what you look good in and are comfortable wearing them (I was kidding about the handbags. Honest!).
Now I don’t know what magazines you’ve been reading that say a guy with a decent dress sense has got to be gay. Admittedly that Malate-oriented section of the community does have great style, but they don’t own the patent on decent clothing. It’s like saying that anyone who wears baggy pants is a gangster wannabe. What it really comes down to is your own personality. Some people are jeans and T-shirt people, others want pants and polos, or the casual among us are more comfortable in shorts and flip-flops.
Of course there is also a time and a place for everything. I’m hoping that your fitted shirt and slacks are not worn at the beach, in much the same way that your baggy-jeaned friends wouldn’t wear their regular attire to a wedding or other formal engagements (although I did have some friends who wore board shorts with their tux jacket to our high school prom). Incidentally, I think parents seem more conducive to letting their daughters go out with someone who looks presentable rather than a guy who looks like he came out of a gangster turf war. I have nothing against that look, just making an observation on parental attitudes.
Fashion is a funny old thing that changes from one month to the next. What’s in this year can soon be considered baduy by next season. The general rule is find a style that suits you and only change or adjust it when you feel the need. Who knows? In a few months the baggy brigade may be copying you (especially if you’re getting all the dates).  Marc
Send questions to: question_marc @hotmail.com
I’m male and a college freshman. I have a problem. I got this college scholarship because I’m a very good swimmer. But I want to stop because I don’t get along with my teammates. They hate me! We don’t get along; they play pranks on me and tease me constantly. I don’t know what to do. This scholarship is my only chance in getting a college education because my family is not rich. I need your help desperately.  Bullied
Remember when you were a kid, and there was always one kid that got picked on or bullied at school? You might have even made fun of him yourself once in a while. Well, it sounds like you’ve now assumed that role among your teammates. It’s true that they’re being quite cruel and immature about this, but as is often the case within groups, one person is usually pigeon-holed as the resident "prankee." This is especially true within groups of athletes. I’m not sure if it’s the overflow of testosterone or all that elitist male bonding that makes it easy for them to start picking on someone new or different.
I wouldn’t be too concerned about what they’re teasing you about, as they are probably just looking for any excuse to pick on you, and have decided to choose anything that would get the most reaction from you. If it wasn’t that, it would be your speech, social background, color, hairstyle or whatever. Long and short of it is that if people want to make fun of someone, they will often make something up until they get the desired result.
So why did they decide to pick on you? Well, as you’re a freshman, I assume you’re one of the newest on the team. In addition, you are good enough to have gotten there on a scholarship, so the other guys might be feeling a bit threatened that some young hotshot will be better than them.
By teasing you and making you feel uncomfortable, maybe you won’t swim as well as you usually do and they won’t feel so threatened.
Also, as the new guy, maybe this is your rite of passage on the team. It could be that last year they picked on someone else, and the only reason that he got off the hook this year is because you came along. Things could be a lot worse. In Canadian hockey teams, they shave the new teammates completely bald as part of the hazing, and I don’t mean the hair on their heads…
So what do you do now? Well, it may sound difficult to do, but your best bet is to just ignore them, or maybe throw a couple of little side comments back. Of course the best way to get back at them is to outperform them in the pool. Anytime they make fun of you, take the higher ground and tell them straight out: "I know you’re just feeling threatened because I might beat you in the pool. Don’t worry, I’ll try and swim slow so you won’t feel so bad." Do, however, say it jokingly, as you don’t want to come off as mayabang.
It might also help if you have a chat with a couple of them one-on-one (they’re more likely to listen individually when they don’t have to impress the rest of the group), and tell them that you are having a hard time feeling part of the team when they give you such a hard time. It may be OK to tease you in jest once in a while, just as long as it’s not serious and everyone (yourself included) can have a bit of a laugh about it later. It may seem hard to manage, but the more you let it affect you, the more miserable you’re going to be.
When it really comes down to it, your swimming is what got you into college in the first place. It’s also what will keep you there thanks to your scholarship. No matter how badly you may feel at times, this is your future and you don’t want to throw that away. Some pranks and hurtful words should not affect your entire future, as a college degree is very important. Stick with it, and I daresay that next year, the focus will have moved onto the next new guy. Just remember how you feel now and have some pity on him when it’s his turn.  Marc
Hi! I am really impressed with your column. When my father buys The STAR on Friday, I immediately look for your column. I am a sophomore student of Holy Infant College. My problem is… I have been an honor student since freshman. Now, I have a classmate who’s my very best friend. I enjoy being with her but she is my competitor when it comes to studies. I rank 3rd while she ranks 4th in class. I don’t want to compete with her because she is my friend. Is it OK if I don’t study hard so she’ll be 3rd and I’ll be 4th in the class?  Name Withheld
Hang on, are you sure that this is not just some convenient excuse for you not to work hard? "Sorry, Mom and Dad, the reason I’m going out all the time and not doing my homework is because I don’t want my friend to feel bad about my beating her in class. Isn’t that admirable of me?…" Nice try. OK, Now I have a question for you. Say the roles were switched, and she was the one ahead of you. How would you like it if she intentionally did badly so that you thought you were better? You probably wouldn’t want her to sacrifice her hard work and future for you now, would you? I know I’d feel really small and insignificant if someone did that for me. It would be like they were feeling sorry for me. "Oh, poor so-and-so. They’re not smart enough to do well on their own, so I should just play dumb so they don’t feel so stupid."
It’s nice that the two of you are such good friends, and also that you’re willing to make such a large (but wrong) sacrifice for your friend. However, I daresay she would not appreciate it at all if she found out.
Also, I think you’re approaching this problem from a completely wrong angle. You don’t want her to feel bad that you’re doing better than her, right? Fair enough, but instead of slacking off to drop down to her academic level, maybe you could work together with her to bring her up to yours?
I finished college a while ago, so the best present-day analogy I can give you is when I go to the gym and work out with others. I have a couple of good friends who are just starting to work out. Seeing as they haven’t been at it as long as I have, they naturally can’t lift as heavy, or their technique might be a bit off. Now these are close buddies, and I don’t want them to feel bad or uncomfortable in any way. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m about to slack off and lift light with lousy technique just to make them feel better. On the contrary, I help and advise them as much as possible, spot them when they need it, and make sure they are pushing themselves to the limit of their abilities. Partly because of this, as well as their own hard work and commitment, they have been progressing leaps and bounds. The transformation is really satisfying to both parties (plus I have friends around to spot me as well now).
So, if you really want to help your friend, don’t take any step backward. Instead, do as much as you can to help her jump forward. Who knows, maybe sometime, someone else will do the same for you.
Good day! I am one of the many people who read your column every Friday. I admire the way you inject wit in your answers. Anyway, here’s my thing: I consider myself to be a stylish man and a good number of my friends have said so. After reading a number of youth culture magazines, they say that men with a sense of style are gay. I disagree. I just think that one should dress for the part, and not just follow what everyone says is "cool" and "out there." For instance, my pants are mostly straight-cut (I figure since I am only 5’9, I should disguise it a bit) when everybody else is wearing baggy and elephant pants. My shirts are fit  not even a size extra (I have a thin frame with a little muscle in the triceps/biceps area). Am I weird? Your thoughts, please.  GQ
Yes, you are weird. A freak of nature who shouldn’t be let out on a day pass and kept away from small furry animals. Ha, ha, just kidding. There’s nothing wrong with being a little weird, as all it really means is that you’re not considered a "normal" person. I, for one, quite enjoy being a bit different from the rest of the crowd, as it’s nice to have the confidence to express one’s individuality without feeling the need to conform to everyone else.
So your friends think you’re a stylish guy? Cool. Good for you. Just because you wear straight-cut pants and correct-sized shirts doesn’t mean you’re gay (my own heterosexual wardrobe has quite a few of these items. I keep them right next to my handbag collection, as a matter of fact). It just means you know what you look good in and are comfortable wearing them (I was kidding about the handbags. Honest!).
Now I don’t know what magazines you’ve been reading that say a guy with a decent dress sense has got to be gay. Admittedly that Malate-oriented section of the community does have great style, but they don’t own the patent on decent clothing. It’s like saying that anyone who wears baggy pants is a gangster wannabe. What it really comes down to is your own personality. Some people are jeans and T-shirt people, others want pants and polos, or the casual among us are more comfortable in shorts and flip-flops.
Of course there is also a time and a place for everything. I’m hoping that your fitted shirt and slacks are not worn at the beach, in much the same way that your baggy-jeaned friends wouldn’t wear their regular attire to a wedding or other formal engagements (although I did have some friends who wore board shorts with their tux jacket to our high school prom). Incidentally, I think parents seem more conducive to letting their daughters go out with someone who looks presentable rather than a guy who looks like he came out of a gangster turf war. I have nothing against that look, just making an observation on parental attitudes.
Fashion is a funny old thing that changes from one month to the next. What’s in this year can soon be considered baduy by next season. The general rule is find a style that suits you and only change or adjust it when you feel the need. Who knows? In a few months the baggy brigade may be copying you (especially if you’re getting all the dates).  Marc
BrandSpace Articles
<
>