Is it okay to kiss on a first date?

Hi Marc!

I’m from Pangasinan. I’m not fond of reading newspapers but I enjoy reading your column. Guess what? You’re a good adviser and I really appreciate the way you handle problems. I have so many questions about guys and I’m begging you to answer them for me, please? My questions are: Is it OK for a girl to go on a date with a stranger? Does a guy respect a girl if he brings her to the beach at night for a date although they have no special relationship? Is it OK for a guy to kiss a girl on a date? If a guy kisses a girl and keeps his eyes open, does this mean he’s sincere? If a guy kisses a girl sincerely does this mean he likes the girl? — Katrina

I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that you’re relatively new to this whole dating thing, right? You went on a date and you need an explanation of what happened. It’s been a while since I had my first date, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised at these questions although I’ve got to admit, some of the answers seem a bit obvious (are you sure you’re not just bragging about how successful the date was?).

OK, we’ll start with dating a stranger. It is OK to date someone who is a stranger, as that’s usually how you start to get to know them.

However, you have to make sure that you’re going to be safe, as there are some psychos out there. Find out where you’re going, tell someone, and maybe bring some friends just to be sure. Also, try and find out more about the guy first (I think going for coffee a couple of times is a good way of building up to a date).

Now on to the location. A beach is of course a nice romantic place for a date (let’s assume this guy is trustworthy and not some freak with a penchant for chainsaws and Friday the 13th movies). Will he respect you if you go there with him on a date? I sure hope so. I guess it really all depends on what goes on at the beach (which we’ll get to in just a minute).

Put it this way, he’s a lot more likely to respect you by taking you somewhere nice and romantic like the beach than if he took you to a P200-a-night motel on your first date (quick hint — if he does suggest the motel on a first date… run like hell and watch your back for those chainsaws).

Is it OK for a guy to kiss a girl on a date? Well gee, I sure hope so or else I’ve been doing something seriously wrong all these years. It really depends on the individual couple though. If you both like each other and want to, then go for it. Contrary to what your lola may have told you when you were young, you don’t get pregnant from a kiss (or else I’m in really big trouble!). However, remember, it’s a two-sided agreement. If you don’t want to do it, then don’t let him convince you to do something you’re not comfortable with (it’ll set the standard for any future umm… one-sided desires).

Now we move on to the kissing itself and the whole eyes-open-sincerity thing. I don’t know where you got the idea that a guy has to keep his eyes open in order to be sincere when he kisses you.

Without giving away too many of my trade secrets, I personally think it’s a lot more romantic and sincere when eyes are closed, as the senses are then a lot more concentrated on the feeling and emotion of the kiss itself without being distracted by trying to focus on something half-an-inch in front of you (try holding this paper an inch from your nose and see if you can read it… makes your head hurt, huh?).

Of course, that’s just a personal opinion, but you should be concentrating more on how he looks at you and what he says before and after the kiss if you want to judge his sincerity ("I think I could fall for you" is good. "I think you need to brush your teeth" is not so great).

So, let’s assume he looks lovingly into your eyes, says the right things and kisses like he means it (or as you put it, "sincerely"). Well, yeah, I think that would probably be a pretty good indicator that he likes you.

Short of putting a ring on your finger and gluing a marriage certificate to his forehead, there are a few more certain indicators than a sincere kiss and sweet words to tell you that someone cares about you (unless of course he’s a bolero player of epic proportions and minimal morals).

So let’s recap. You’ve gone out with a guy, he took you on a date to the beach, you kissed, he kept his eyes closed (shock, horror!), it seemed sincere, and now you’re not sure if he likes you. Well, take it from me, I think we can safely assume he wants to be more than just friends. If you like the guy, then take it easy, and make sure you guys spend the next few dates getting to know each other better before going any further. It sounds like the first date was a success, so hopefully, that’s a good base to build a budding relationship on. Good luck! — Marc

* * * Dating With Daddy’s Permission

Hi there!

I really enjoy reading your column. You not only make a lot of sense, you add comic relief to your advice. I’m 19 and I haven’t dated anyone yet. It’s because my dad thinks I’m not ready. He hasn’t told me this, but I assume it’s what he’s going to tell me if I bring it up. What do you think would be the best approach in asking for his permission? — Sarah

How can you be sure that your dad is against you dating already? Even with the strictest of parents, 18 is usually the oldest benchmark for a girl to start dating. However, I guess you know your dad better than I do, so let’s assume he’d be against it.

Now the reason your dad may be against you dating is that he’s afraid of the consequences of allowing his little girl out. The best way to get his permission is to find out what he’s afraid of and start putting his mind at ease.

I can’t really speak from a father’s point of view, but I think I probably have enough experience dating their daughters to know that there are some pretty standard concerns. Perhaps the most important one is safety. Your parents are used to knowing most of your school friends as you’ve grown up, and so, they usually have a pretty good idea of who you’re with and where you are if you’re not at home.

However, with dating, it’s often the case that you’re out with someone you (and they) barely know. Obvious fears for your safety and whereabouts are foremost in their minds, especially with the latest kidnapping horror stories going around.

So how do you deal with this? I know that this is going to be kind of hard on your date, but it’ll probably be best if you can introduce him to your parents, let them know his full name, where he lives, what he does, how you met him etc., and where you’ll be going on your date. I know it sounds like a lot of hassle to put him through, but it’s either that or no date!

Letting them get to know him a bit and also having a bit of a reference background on him (he’s so-and-so’s friend/cousin/brother), could put them at ease a bit. If they’re super strict, you may need to double date with a friend or relative at first (I’m personally not a big fan of chaperones, but if that’s what it takes…).

Then there’s the question of location. If you’re going to dinner, then let them know what restaurant, or where you’ll be watching a movie, etc. If you’re off to a party, let them know where and if there will be anyone there that they know (some of your old school friends, etc.). By associating some of your old and trusted friends with the person or location, your parents will get a feel for how safe your evening will be.

Next comes the question of your curfew (if you have one). Tell your dad that he can set a curfew (within reason) so that he won’t have to worry all night. Of course, once he sets it, it’s important to return on time. In fact, it’s even better if you can get back early, just to prove that you and your date are responsible and respect his rules.

You might also want to tell him that you’ll text him from time to time during the evening to let him know where you are. This will further put his mind at ease and he might even allow you to stay out a bit later after a while if he knows exactly where you are.

Lastly, you’re going to have to convince your dad that you are now a responsible adult, and mature enough to make the right decisions. By going to him, and setting out these guidelines for him before he does, he should realize how much you’ve thought about the situation and his concerns. With any luck, he’ll give in and let you out. But just to be on the safe side, you might want to get your mom on your side first to help you convince him (how can he possibly resist the two loveliest women in his life?!). — Marc

* * * I Wanna Be Model

Dear Marc,

When I read the Philippine STAR on Fridays, I always look for your column. I find your advice helpful and straight to the point. I hope you will continue your invaluable work as adviser-cum-guidance counselor.

Here’s my problem. I am 20 years old and a senior college student in a state university. Whenever I see models on and off ramp, I feel pangs of jealousy. You see, I am a frustrated model! I have an exotic, good-looking face. I also have a body that’s not too bad. The problem is my height. I’m just a little over 5’6" — two to three inches shy of the general height requirement for male models.

I find it unfair that because of my height, I’m missing out on a golden opportunity. Won’t they ever change the height requirement? Do you know an agency that will accept "dwarves" like me? Help! — The Nordener

I’m constantly amazed at the number of people who want to become models for one reason or another. It may seem like a very glamorous job, but it is also full of frustrations (for not being picked for certain jobs etc.), boredom (endless waiting at shoots and rehearsals) and hard work (late nights, dieting and working out). If you’re not careful and don’t have the right guidance and friends, it can go to your head and turn you into a vain and mayabang person.

That being said, if you meet the right group of people (which thankfully I did), it can be quite fun and occasionally, financially rewarding. What is important to remember is that models often have a very short career, as there is always someone younger, fresher and better-looking just around the corner.

The successful models are those who realize this, and remember to parlay their success into another business before their time runs out. Great examples of these people are make-up artist Lala Flores, or fashion director extraordinaire Robby Carmona, both of whom started in modeling.

OK, now that I’ve explained the reality of modeling, I hope you realize that you should still continue with your studies, and only consider modeling as a part-time thing. That being said, we’ll now address the problem of your height.

At 5’6" you’re right in thinking that you’re a few inches short of the usual height requirement for ramp models (which only goes as low as about 5’9" for guys and 5’6" for women). However, in the last few years, they have been a bit relaxed on this requirement for some shows that need a certain look, skill or attitude more than height. They’re usually the more edgy shows, rather than high fashion, and the younger directors are the ones to look for.

Generally speaking though, you would be better off concentrating on TV and print, as height is much less of a factor there (with the added bonus that it pays darn better too!). Once again you’re lucky as models with interesting or exotic looks are a lot more widely accepted now compared to a few years ago when only mestizo boy-next-door looks were desired.

The reason that height is not so much of a factor with commercial and print work is because they rely so much more on facial features and beauty instead of the body. With ramp shows, the model is used to highlight the clothes, and naturally clothes hang better on tall, lean physiques.

The highlight in commercial and print is rarely the clothes, but rather the product, and so the models are chosen on their facial features, as that is what is being used to sell or endorse the product. Handsome with nice teeth for toothpaste, rugged and athletic for vitamins, nice hair for shampoo and so on.

So my suggestion to you is to get a decent modeling agent, there are a few around, and most of the decent ones are members of TAO (Talent Agents Organization). I’m quite happy with my agent Élan, but shop around and find which one is right for you.

Visit their offices, ask around and talk to some of their other models before you sign anything and make sure you read all the small print in any contract. The usual agent’s deduction is 30 percent, but sometimes, an agency will accept a tiny bit less if you sign exclusively with them. They’ll take some pics and ask you to do a basic VTR for their files.

Be ready to be called and asked to go to different castings for different products on any day of the week. It may seem tedious, but that’s the only way to get jobs. It may take you 10, 20 or maybe even more VTRs before you get your first job, but similarly, if you don’t go to them, then you won’t get any jobs at all.

Most importantly, if you do decide to venture into the world of modeling, keep your feet on the ground, treat everyone you meet with respect, and remember, it’s fun while it lasts, but it doesn’t last long, so prioritize your studies. — Marc

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