All we want for Christmas

And so, lambing weather is upon us again, and males from all across the world are grabbing the opportunity to sit another inch closer to their significant others — something most women would call "cuddling." E-Male would rather brand it as a chance to "cop a feel" — and save a lot on shopping and dining out. It isn’t much of a surprise that Christmas is E-Male’s preferred holiday. It is a season of strange words like yuletide and holly, and gay meaning a little bit more than just a few jilted men just wanting to slap the salami around.

But of course E-Male would be well into the decorative process by now. Decking the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la and all that jazz. Lining up his home with overgrown socks, plastic plants, and figurines of a bearded, overweight man who’s a Karl Marx look-a-like with a proletarian predilection for red overalls. Then there’s always the Christmas tree and a stereo playing good ol’ Jose Mari Chan or Johnny Mathis. Not to mention an extra mistletoe or two (you can’t have too much mistletoe), and E-Male is all set to give and get love on Christmas Day.

Yet if the excitement of Christmas were all in the parol and keso de bola, then the Filipino would hardly need a reason to take down the decorations in the first place. In essence, Christmas is a season of giving. And for E-Male, a season of giving surely isn’t complete if there ain’t no "getting."

Now that doesn’t mean that E-Male isn’t getting any. He’s getting a lot, or so he claims. And he doesn’t mind the old dress-up as Santa Claus and chasing the innocent little elves every now and then. But when it comes to real down-to-earth gift-"getting," E-Male admits that something is definitely lacking in that department.

Women boast of their talent for shopping as if it were the road to Zion — but when it comes to shopping for men, it’s actually more of a road to nowhere than anything else. Of course there’s that seasonal excuse that "it’s the thought that counts." But if women gave a little thought to what men wanted, then there wouldn’t be any problem.

What men want for Christmas spans a little bit further (and a little bit more creative) than the annual necktie and the usual pair of sailor boat boxers. Just because men don’t know how to shop, doesn’t mean that men don’t know a slip-shod gift when they see one. For mothers to give their sons the never-ending collection of face towels and ill-patterned T-shirts is one thing, but for girlfriends, wives (or mistresses) to go on and hand down yet another male accessory is plain demeaning. Especially if it comes from another male friend.

Not to be mistaken, however, men appreciate the generosity of their peers in the simplest of means. It’s actually more economical to receive cheap and useless gifts once in a while, prompting the opportunity to pass on gifts to other peers without being tempted to keep them for himself.

But smile as they might, the Filipino man is quite tired of the usual leather gifts. Leather wallets, leather belts, leather organizers and sometimes — God forbid — just plain leather. There are far more creative ways of pleasing a man during Christmas, and a lot of them don’t require you to spend a single centavo (hint, hint).

Then again, if you’re the type with a little money to burn, a Jaguar or a Rolls Royce always makes a man smile. And if you’re looking for something a little under the budget however, a trip to Hong Kong is always a feasible substitute (all expenses paid of course, and don’t forget the pocket money!).

It always helps to ask a man what they want. But if the reply is the ever-expected, "OK lang, don’t get me anything this Christmas," one might be forced to bring out the tongs and whip to torture the answer right out of him (though they might end up enjoying the process). Men are a stubborn lot (second only to their female counterparts) and require a gun to the head or a little knifepoint to get a straight answer.

If you’re pressed for time and a trip to the dominatrix is a little out of your league, you could always settle for the never-failing FHM subscription or the gift-wrapped GRO (a decent one wouldn’t even cost you over P200). Other creative alternatives include an evening (and/or morning) with Maui Taylor or a guided tour of the Playboy mansion — though a guided tour into the ladies restroom might be just as inviting.

But just as mentioned earlier, men appreciate even the simplest of gifts — with the best ones costing less than nothing. It is lambing weather after all, and "copping a feel" or not, sometimes, some TLC does the trick a lot better than any Jaguar or Rolls (cough). Seriously speaking, the season to be jolly holds nothing to be jolly about if all one has is a Christmas tree with a thousand gifts but not a single soul to open them with. And if you haven’t done any Christmas shopping for your man just yet, just make sure you spend some extra quality time with him this Christmas.

Although getting what men want may be a tad difficult, you could always give them what they need. And what men want include the unprintables. Hohoho!

The E-Male X’mas wish list

1) Anything that’s not a necktie or boxers.

2) The meaning of life.

3) The right to keep the seat up.

4) The power of x-ray vision.

5) A Bond car.

6) A Bond girl.

7) A backrub (though not necessarily restricted to the back).

8) The chance to "not" kiss your tita on the lips this year.

9) To get by one Christmas without friction from the in-laws.

10) Maui Taylor - in bikini, in skimpy bikini.

11) The Producer’s Cut of Hibla, Gamitan and Prosti (not the Snowman, ha!).

12) Holiday pass at spas and health salons.

13) Marathon sessions with Johnny Walker.

14) The ultimate phallic symbol — a Nokia 7650.