No longer in love

Dear Marc,

Hi! I need your advice. My girlfriend and I have been on for five years and my problem is that I don’t have feelings for her anymore. In fact, I lost my feelings for her a long time ago and I’ve tried breaking up with her but she always refuses to break up with me, telling me she can’t live without me.

She also said that I’m the only person she’s got (because her parents are living in Brazil and she’s all by herself here). We fight every day even over small things and this is the reason that I have been trying to leave her. Believe me, I have tried everything to make our relationship work but it just doesn’t work.

My friends tell me to date other girls and let her know what I am doing so she would get hurt and leave me. But I don’t want our relationship to end that way. My question is, is there any other way to break up with a girl without hurting her that much?

Thanks and more power! — Mr. Leaving

Breakups are always a hard thing to do. More so when you don’t want anyone to get hurt. Some people think it’s easier to be an absolute jerk and dump a girl cruelly, or as your friends suggest, start dating other girls so that she breaks up with you. Admittedly this might work, but you’re right, it’s a lousy way to end a relationship and it tarnishes the memory of what you had together. There’s also the chance that it will backfire and she will just accept your philandering in which case you’ve also managed to lower her self-esteem.

Five years is quite a long time for two people to be together, and it’s understandable that she has grown quite attached to you over that time. I think I’ve mentioned in this column before that when people are in a relationship for some time, they can often lose their independence and individuality. What happens then is that they are so used to being in a relationship that they are scared of how to deal with life without the support of that partner. In essence, they have become dependent on their partner.

This dependence can take the form of many things, whether it be financial, emotional or physical. It’s even more prominent in your case as her parents are living overseas, so she may feel that she has no support network if you leave her. Does she live with you? If she does, then that raises another set of questions of where she would live, or how the two of you would cope if you decided to still live together after splitting. You haven’t mentioned living together, so let’s assume she has her own place.

If this is the case, then the main dependence obstacle is to boost her confidence and remind her how capable she is as an individual. Tell her that you don’t want to be a couple any more, but that you will still be there if she needs you, and advice her to spend more time with friends from her crowd for a while. She may have lost touch with a lot of them over the years that she has been together with you. So it is important that she reinforces those old friendships.

Also try explaining that the two of you are fighting all of the time, and it is probably because you’re avoiding the real issue of you wanting to split up. You probably do little things that annoy her, or maybe you’re not as conscious of trying to keep her happy like you used to. She, in turn, may be annoyed that you don’t seem to care as much, and deep down knows that you don’t love her the same way anymore.

You really do need to try and confront this head on and explain that you’re no longer happy in the relationship, and you think it would be better for both of you if you split up. If she’s still in love with you this will be pretty painful for her, but explain that it’s no use having a relationship that is one-sided, as it should really be a mutual arrangement. There’s a saying that goes "If you love someone, set him free," and this should certainly be the case if she truly loves you. It is one thing to love someone to gratify yourself, but to truly love someone, you should want him to be happy, even if that means letting him go.

Lastly, remember that the bottom line is you. You deserve to be a little bit selfish and as much as you don’t want to hurt her, you know that it’s going to have to end sometime, so isn’t it better to be sooner rather than later? Be as gentle as you can, but stand by your decision, no matter what the threats and pleadings. Also care enough to give her some space if she needs it, and be around as a friend if she wants. Five years is a long time to ignore, and hopefully you’ll both end up being very close friends indeed. — Marc

* * * Love On The Line

Dear Marc

I’m a graduating student but before graduating, I want to give myself the reward of having a lover. I’ve spent years studying wholeheartedly and ignoring love because I think I’m not ready for that yet. As a result, I’m graduating as a consistent Dean’s Lister. My classmate back in high school is the potential one.

Actually, we were not that close when we were in highschool. We used to ignore each other because we’re both the shy type. I called her recently after getting her number from a mutual friend. I learned that she is as exceptionally conservative as I know her to be. I’m having a hard time telling her that I love her because we’re not that close. Up to now I’m building a foundation for both of us.

When do you think is the right time to propose to her on the phone? What can I do to win her? What should I tell her? In the first place I’m afraid of losing the girl I love just because I can’t tell her how I feel about her. Do you think she knows the feelings I have for her? I count on your advice and I need it ASAP. Thanks a lot and God bless! — MJ

Ooh boy! Where do I even begin with this one?? MJ my friend, you really do need to get out more often. First you’re talking about taking a lover as a "reward" for yourself for finishing college (whatever happened to just having a couple of celebration drinks with friends?), which incidentally is probably not the best way to chat them up. The line "Excuse me, I just graduated so thought I’d treat myself to a girl, and guess what? You’re the lucky one!" is more likely to get you a slap on the face and a kick somewhere further south rather than a lover.

That’s one thing, but now let’s move on to the next. It’s all very well and good for you to look up an old high school crush. We all have someone like that we’d like to get in touch with, so your effort in that respect is admirable. You’ve even chatted to her on the phone half a dozen times. Excellent! Now the part where I begin to lose your train of thought is when you start considering proposing to her after what is essentially still the "getting to know you stage." I know you said that you’re both very conservative, but the last time I checked, a request for a date doesn’t require a church, a priest and a group of relatives in their Sunday best.

You say that you are having a hard time telling her that you love her. Ordinarily guys still find this hard to say after six months, let alone six phone calls. Usually it’s because they’re afraid of commitment, but in more rational cases, it’s because it is such a big deal, and shouldn’t be thrown around lightly. You, my friend are doing the equivalent of strapping a rocket to love’s back and launching it at her. You’re right to think she might not be ready to hear that. You haven’t even talked to her face to face yet!

It’s all very good that you’re building a strong foundation for both of you already, but remember that you should probably get to know her a bit more before you try jumping into anything serious. You’re afraid that she might not be ready for the strength of your feelings yet, and I think you’re right on that count at least. Hold back a bit and take it easy.

If you really want to win her over, I suggest getting to know her a bit more first, and not just over the phone. Go out on dates (yes, even if you have to take a chaperone), build a friendship, and then if you both get along well enough and are attracted to each other, maybe you can become a couple.

After some time together, you may eventually think of tying the knot, although personally, I think it’s better if someone has been through at least a couple of relationships before they get married as they learn valuable lessons about themselves and what they really want in a partner during those times. You don’t want to get married and then come across all of these problems and dislikes with your spouse straight away. It also makes you less likely to stray later in life, as you’re less curious to want to compare or try something different.

So in conclusion, if you want to win her over, loosen up a bit, take it slow, and I was serious in the first part about getting out more. I’m not saying ignore this girl, but perhaps you should both get out there and meet a few people before jumping into anything you may regret later. Also it will be even more flattering for her to know that even though you’ve met all these other people, you still prefer her company. And yes, she probably does know you like her, although it probably hasn’t got much to do with the mind reading course. I think your looking her up and calling her often are enough of a hint. If she really was a mind reader, then she’d either be saving for a wedding dress or disconnecting her phone by now. — Marc

* * * Envious Classmate

Dear Marc

Hello. I’m 21, a student, and I’ve always been a reader of your column. I’m not really sure if my problem is that serious, but I hope you can tell me what I should do. You see, there’s this friend of mine who graduated from the same college and course as I did, and now we’re both taking another degree (this time in graduate studies not related to our course) in another school.

Since we’re still jobless, my friend and I had something like, an informal agreement (never been discussed but nonetheless agreed upon) that if ever one of us would get a job offer, the other would be informed of it and so we would both attend the same company for an interview.

For the first few weeks, we got at least three offers, but I got rejected by all three of them, while he got hired by one of the companies and another put him on the waiting list (which later on hired him as well). Although I’m happy for him (I think I’m just trying to be), I really felt disappointed for myself for not getting the job. But what hurts me more is knowing that my friend got it and I did not.

And to make matters worse, he started talking about it with me (sometimes with the whole class (there are only six of us in class) even though he knows that he’s the only one who did get the jobs. He’d talk about how small the wage is, how company B will give him more than company A but company A is more reachable than company B, how hard the evaluation exams are and other such topics.

As much as I want to, I can’t keep a straight face and I try not to show interest (that’s because I’m really feeling envious). So my problem is this: Should I tell him how I really feel or is it not necessary as it may only make me look miserable? Thanks for your time, and best regards! — Pitifully Jobless

OK, now before I answer your question on whether or not you should tell him how you feel, let me first examine those feelings a bit. From the sounds of things, you’re a bit of a sore loser. This guy is your friend and you’re getting all bummed and petty that he’s doing better in interviews than you are. It may be because he has better grades, or conducts himself better during the interviews, or just has more confidence and perhaps even luck. Whatever the case may be, you should be happy for his success in the same way that I hope he would be happy for you if the roles were reversed.

As you yourself said, you both went for the same jobs, and two of them offered him a job while you were unsuccessful. Hey, that’s life, and it’s not always fair. For all you know, if you’d tried another three companies it might have been you gettting the two offers and he getting none. Long and short of it is that in this particular case he was the preferred candidate, fair and square.

OK so he’s been offered these two jobs, and now you think he’s bragging about them. Well, you’ve got to understand and let him have his moment of glory. Just think if you had been offered one of them as well? You’d be joining him as you both told the class how successful you’d been and griping about your new wages etc. Just because you’re not in the same boat doesn’t mean you should try sinking his.

At least you’ve admitted that you’re envious. Now comes the question of whether or not you should tell him. I can understand why you might be shy to do this, as it makes you look a bit petty. However, if it really does bother you that much, then go ahead and tell him. Just make sure you do it in the right way. Running up and shouting that he’s a braggart who stole your jobs from you is probably not the wisest course of action.

Instead, pull him aside one day and ask if you could tell him something that’s been troubling you. Then let him know that you’re feeling a bit down as you were looking forward to getting a job as much as he was, and now it’s a bit painful seeing him with two jobs that you also went for, so if it’s not too much, maybe he could just not mention it too often in front of you until you’ve gotten over it or found a job of your own.

If your friend is a friend indeed, he’ll probably agree in an instant, and there’s a chance that he may not have even realized that he was causing you any pain, as he was too excited about his own good fortune. In an ideal world there would be apologies all round and he would help you get a job at one of his new companies. Of course there’s also always the possibility that he’ll laugh at you, and rub it in, but let’s hope he’s a nice guy and goes for option number one (he is your friend after all).

The important thing for you to remember is that no matter what the outcome of this little discussion, you should still keep trying and applying. You have four other classmates that are still looking for jobs, so maybe you should try looking with them. Maybe even ask your friend for tips on how he did so well at the interviews, and who knows? Maybe next week you’ll be offered three jobs! Just remember… no gloating! — Marc

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