What women want?

E-Male has always entertained illusions that women just want two things from him: his money and/or his body. But since he has never been blessed with a Baywatch body and since he squanders his small fortunes on lost causes, he’s just left with his pride and his ego of being a modern-day macho man, the perfected prototype coughed out of this world after eons of evolution by his Neanderthal ancestors.

Just like the follies experienced by his fellow men, he expects that he belongs to the superior gender whose whims and wants must be entertained, accommodated and accepted by the fairer sex. His extremist views include the idea that women should always give in to what he wants, where he wants it and how he wants it. So many wants in fact that on an average day, E-Male sets aside quality time with similarly minded males just to take pity on all the henpecked, under-the-saya members of the species.

On the other hand, however, E-Male also sets aside some time (a second or two if boredom permits) to humble himself. Although he does enjoy an hour or so of engaging his brods of his breed in pissing contests, he does admit that he is far from perfect (or maybe, just a few inches short — above the neck, that is). He’s still prone to the wayward pimple and the occasional love-handle from time to time. And though the disheveled Brad-Pitt hairdo suits him just fine, he still does have to comb his hair in the morning.

Unfortunately, all these minute misgivings still don’t add up to E-Male’s long standing dilemma. It’s as good as gospel truth that E-Male has had a history of women longer than Erap’s line of mistresses and godchildren combined. Just the same, keeping them intact is what’s proving to be more than what he’s bargained for.

And as E-Male kept on bouncing from one temporary, meaningless relationship to another, it’s almost miraculous that he’s stayed this long with his current girlfriend. And more often than not, it’s usually his girlfriend’s virtue of endearment rather than E-Male’s non-existent good-looks and beefcake body that’s kept the relationship afloat. Of course, he’s finally realized that maybe all women want is far more than a pretty face or a high score in pogi points.

E-Male’s girlfriend once mentioned something about sensitivity as what would make or break a relationship. He would’ve remembered what she had said if he hadn’t been so into watching Game 2 of the La Salle vs. Ateneo Showdown a few weeks back. It seemed particularly important at the time, especially since his girlfriend was a) already making funny faces b) saying something about him having a short attention span and c) was neither for Ateneo nor for La Salle.

His girlfriend carried on for the rest of the evening wondering why a ballgame for a man seems to be more important than the tender moments of togetherness. So, she finally stormed out of Araneta Coliseum with a high five smacking his cheeks. E-Male, of course, would’ve said something suitably romantic — Shakespeare or Neruda would’ve done just nicely — but his constant pleas for Enrico Villanueva to kill Mike Cortez was a tad too out of sync. And it was just too bad Ateneo lost.

E-Male soon realized his mistake and quickly made amends. Unfortunately, the "forgive and forget" part came a lot less "quickly" than he would have hoped. Though women still yearn for the sensitive touch in a man, the virtue of sensitivity doesn’t necessarily entail opening up the tear ducts every time the wind blows. If that were so, Kleenex would’ve had a monopoly three times as big as Microsoft.

In reality, what women want comes in large doses of self-contradiction. A precarious balance of being maginoo and being medyo bastos. Being a conquering warrior and being a harmless puppy aching to be cuddled. They want the soft caress of sensitivity weighed evenly with the balled fist of being firm and strong. They want the elegance of femininity with one foot planted firmly on the foundations of masculinity. They want the romantic theatrics of chivalry balanced with a sense of equality among genders.

They want quality time and a sense of independence. They want the top-gun executive and the all-around family man. They want the popular basketball hero and the well-read classroom genius. They want a house and three kids. A white wedding and life insurance. A full-course meal and a perfect figure. A fancy car. A credit plan. A dog. A great sex life. And don’t forget the dashing good-looks and Baywatch body. In short, women just want everything.

But in this new and exciting world of wants, the modern woman just can’t have everything. And to serve as a temporary reprieve — the women of the world invented shopping. As they say in America — if you can’t have it, charge it. Unfortunately, women can’t charge for a perfect relationship, much less for a perfect man and a perfect partner. And as much as a lot of women have already tried, even gigolos don’t do the job unless they’re considering them on a nightly basis). In the end, relationships require work.

This puts E-Male in a rather awkward position. It’s hard enough trying to look as handsome as he would like Dr. Vicki Bello to perform miracles on him; it’s harder to conjure fiction for reality unless the guy puts some extra effort into making a relationship work. And after a long day at the office, the last thing on his mind is some more extra hours at home.

Patience is what women want and demand. Although they want they’re significant others to calmly wait as they sift through every store in Glorietta, or sit idly by as they add an extra hour to their makeup, it comes as the ultimate irony that women demand more patience from their men. The patience to wait for them while they dress. For the right time to say "I love you." To meet their female friends. To meet their parents. To get married.

When you think about it, E-Male’s good looks and great body don’t seem to be of much value anymore — as they never were outside the Little Shop of Horrors. The prerequisites of keeping the modern woman happy have definitely quintupled in the last decade or so. Or rather, the prerequisites of merely keeping a woman at all. But E-Male does make an effort on his behalf, as it difficult to believe as it may seem.

He’s actually sorted through a dictionary once or twice to look up the meanings of a couple of words like unconditional love, generosity, sacrifice and thoughtfulness (which actually means a lot more than calling up your girlfriend years after your promise).

But as hard as it is to keep a relationship in check, it usually proves to be all worth it. It’s a lot of work, he knows, and sometimes the pay-off may not even seem to be worth its weight in blood. But during those times E-Male is granted some "quality time" with his girlfriend, he sees that she’s working just as hard on their relationship as he is. And maybe it’s the simple proof that she loves him, and he loves her. Then maybe it’s just the miniscule (yet wonderful) fact that love was never all about good looks and great, bodies.

Then he realizes that what women want is what men want as well. And for a split-second, it isn’t all that bad to be sensitive and patient once in awhile. After all, all good things come to those who wait.

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Comments are welcome at argee@justice.com.