Breaking up is hard to do

Hi Marc!

Great column! How do you break up with someone who emotionally blackmails you? You see, I’ve been with this guy for a couple of years now, but lately he has been so possessive and jealous it’s driving me nuts. I have tried every trick in the book to save our relationship, but it’s not working. I want out! But every time I do, he threatens to end his life. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Please help. — DEB

This seems to be a more common problem than most people believe. I’ve had a number of female friends (and even one guy) in the last year who have had exactly the same experience, down to the suicide threats. I know it may seem harsh, but you really should look out for yourself.

I know that it’s difficult thinking that someone’s life depends on your decision to break off with him. But let’s face facts. Would you rather live in fear and misery for the rest of your life? Where does it stop? What if he then threatens to drive you both off a cliff unless you marry him? Worse, imagine if you ever had children together. What could he convince you to do if he had their lives in his hand as well as his own? Pretty scary thought, huh?

Also, anyone desperate enough to threaten suicide just so you stay together is probably on his way to being a couple of cards short of a full deck. Have you noticed any other irrational behavior? Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? This could be a factor in their partners’ manipulative behavior. In my friends’ case, what started off as emotional blackmail progressed to violence and beatings. You certainly don’t want to stick around waiting for that to happen.

So, how do you leave? Well, you can try explaining that a relationship should be all about love, trust and understanding, and that blackmail is a way of alienating a partner rather than bringing her closer to you. Ask him to please respect your decision as you are no longer happy and would like to end things peacefully. If he threatens to kill himself again, then tell him that his threats are just pushing you farther away, and will not change your mind.

The important thing here is to stick to your guns and go through with it. You may wish to tell some of his friends and family that you’re concerned he might hurt himself when you break up with him, but don’t let them convince you to change your mind for his benefit. In most cases, the threats are just that, threats. Even if they go to the extent of self-mutilation (cutting themselves and so forth), it is pretty unlikely that they would go through with an actual suicide.

What you need to realize is that you are the victim of blackmail and should not suffer for his emotional instability. If he continues to harass you, tell him that if he doesn’t stop, you’ll severe all ties with him. If it still continues, write a letter explaining why you can no longer communicate with him, and then don’t answer his calls or texts. Some people I know even moved to another city to get away from a particularly possessive ex. Hopefully it won’t get to that stage, but sometimes the only way for someone to move on is for them to give up all hope of reconciliation.

In conclusion, my advice is to follow your common sense. If you can think of a better way of ending things than the ones I’ve suggested, then go ahead and use them. Just end it as soon as possible, as the longer you leave it for later, the harder it will be to get out of and the more attached he will become to you. Be a little bit selfish, after all, it’s your life, so you should choose who you spend it with. — Marc

* * * Don’t Kiss and Tell

Dear Marc,

I really enjoy reading your column. I hope that you can help me with my problem. My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. A few months after a friend of his started courting me. When my ex found out the things we used to do when we were still together. I trust that you know what I mean by "the things we used to do." He is making me out like a slut and completely ruining my reputation. Up till now, he is still doing this. I mean, what is his problem. Why doesn’t he just give it a rest? He always has something bad to say about everything I do. My promotion, my outfits, my new boyfriend. I mean, I’m like his favorite topic! Most especially to his friends. I really hope that you can help me with this one. After all, you’re also a guy. Thanks and more power. — G

Well, at least one good thing may have come out of this experience. You now know for sure that you did the right thing breaking up with him! No regrets on that front I guess. From the sounds of things, he may be having a hard time dealing with your break up. Did you initiate it? Maybe he has a complex about you dating any of his friends, as he’s afraid you’ll think they are better than he was in some way.

Whatever the case may be, he really has no right telling his friends (or anyone else for that matter) intimate details of what went on when the two of you went out. That is a fairly universal unwritten rule of dating. If you must mention instances or experiences, then certainly don’t use names! No one likes a kiss and tell, especially girls (hope all you guys out there are taking notes).

Your ex sounds hurt and insecure, but too proud and macho to admit it. As I mentioned earlier, this is probably his way of dealing with the break up, especially if it was not something that he particularly wanted. If he tells his friends the truth, that you ditched him or whatever, then in his mind it would make him look bad. Much better to belittle and paint you in a bad light to his friends so that they are on his side (i.e. "yeah man, you’re better off without that little tart", etc). Sure it’s wrong, but some guys are just that uncomfortable to be seen in a bad light.

What makes it even worse is that it has affected a chance at a relationship with one of his friends, who may have been a decent guy. It would be nice to think that the friend would also listen to your side of the story, but truth be told, there’s a good chance he’ll listen to your ex first as they’ve known each other longer. You could try explaining that it is just your ex being vindictive, and that proof of this is that he’s telling intimate details that happened between the two of you, when no gentleman would do that to an ex. Maybe he’ll understand.

So how do you combat it? Well, as everyone knows, I’m a great believer in equality, so you could try convincing those close to you that any bad reputation he is giving you, he’s also giving himself (it takes two to do the horizontal folkdance... unless you’re really flexible that is). This is compounded by the fact that he should look like quite a jerk for saying anything in the first place.

Anyone who believes what he says without understanding your side probably isn’t worthy of your friendship anyway. Your best bet is to confront him, and ask him why he’s doing this as he’s spoiling the sweet memories of your past relationship. If he continues after that, then just ignore him and move on. Oh yeah, you might also hint to his friends and any girls he’s courting that the real reason you broke up was because he possesses all the size, energy and stamina of a sloth on valium. Maybe then he’ll realize why past intimate moments are best left secret. — Marc

* * * Stop Procrastinating

Marc,

Hi there! I’m already 22 years old and I realized I still do not have a good working habit! I tend to put work on hold until the last minute. Seeing that you have a busy and active life, can you suggest any methods that can make me more responsible with my work or any chore for that matter?

Thank you for all your help and best of luck with the advice column. Bye and God bless! — Lazy Boy

Ooh boy! I’m not sure if I’m the best person in the world you should ask about a good working habit as I write this last minute in a desperate attempt to get it in before my editor realizes it’s a day late. Thankfully this is not too common of an occurrence and I usually manage to arrange my schedule so that everything gets done in time.

Perhaps one of the most important things to do in order to have a good working habit is to get to know yourself and your schedule. When I talk about knowing yourself, I’m referring to realizing your limitations and speed when it comes to getting things done. If you know that it would take you only 30 minutes to type up that report due at 10:30, don’t forget to add on the hour-and-a-half it takes to get to the office (house to desk... not just the hour in traffic), and the other hour it takes to get ready in the morning, taking in the obligatory coffee stop and morning greetings and texts along the way etc. Add another 30 minutes (minimum) leeway, and you should be setting your alarm for 7 a.m. at the latest. An even better idea would be to get it done before sleeping, at least that way it’s off your mind.

You should also avoid distractions. That means that if you have something important to do work-wise, then either switch your phone off, or put it on silent and forget about it until you’ve finished. On several occasions I’ve managed to squander half a day just texting back and forth between friends. Fun, yes. Productive? No. If you happen to have a noisy work environment, you may want to invest in a pair of decent earplugs. There are few things more likely to ruin your concentration than constant noise that can destroy your train of thought (except perhaps for a supermodel in a bikini dancing on your desk). In that respect, the earplugs are an invaluable way to keep you focused (for the noise that is. You might need a cold shower and some expensive psychoanalysis for those supermodel mirages you keep having... I know I did).

Also, make a note of all the things that need to be done. A list is a great way of organizing your day before you start it. Write down everything you plan to do the night before, and then arrange it according to location and time of day. If you need to go to an early meeting in Ortigas, then maybe you can stop by the mall afterwards and pick up that Time Management for Dummies book you’ve been planning to get for the last six months. Then on your way to the office you can get out of the cab a block early and deposit those checks that have been sitting in your wallet for three weeks (no wonder you had to scrounge for pocket change to buy that book earlier). If you know what needs to be done, and break it up into sections, then you have a goal rather than just trying to do things when you remember them and then having to backtrack both mentally (for instance getting back into a report-typing groove) and physically (gotta love that Manila traffic).

Another important tip is... stop procrastinating! From the sounds of it, you’re like me and can easily find a million and one things to do in order to keep yourself from actually sitting down and starting on something that needs to be done. Typing a report somehow leads us to having a sudden urge to clean the kitchen or re-arrange the sock drawer. The best way of dealing with it is just sit down and start. Once something is started, it gets a lot easier to finish, but if you don’t start right away, you’ll be hanging paintings on the wall of your apartment before you get anywhere on your report (I speak from first-hand experience... even down to that picture hanging excuse).

There are a lot more ways of getting a good work ethic, but what it really comes down to is self-discipline. Sometimes we spend more time making excuses for why our work is late than we do actually trying to complete it. I usually try and think of the other people involved who are depending on my contribution to my work, and how I don’t want to let them down. Also, remember that this is what you get paid to do, and if you slack off, then maybe you’ll soon be stressing out about finding a new job rather than just worrying about finishing your work. Lastly, the greatest reward for a job completed well and on time is the self-satisfaction of something you can be proud of. Sounds cheesy, but you’ll find it can be an addicting feeling of accomplishment. — Marc

* * *

Send questions to question_marc@hotmail.com