Why fear the brainy bunch?

Hi Marc,

I’ve read your column and found it very interesting. There’s only one thing I want to ask of you about a man-woman relationship. Why is it that guys tend to shy away from ladies who are brainy? Are they boring to you? What if she has all you want in a woman — brains, average looks, good attitude, talent? I happen to have friends; most of them women, who are single and who even up to now never had boyfriends, as in BOYFRIEND. Very surprising and unbelievable, eh? I’m just curious about your response to this and I hope I could read your answer in your column. Thanks. — Beverly

Now, why do I get the impression that these "friends" that you’re describing might in fact be someone a little closer to home? It doesn’t really matter if you’re asking for them or yourself; the answer is still the same. It’s not necessarily a great idea to lump all guys in the same batch and write them all off as having the same views of what they want in a woman.

Guys are attracted to different things when it comes to a woman, and I’m not just referring to the physical attributes. Sure, some like tall, others short, skinny and dark versus voluptuous and fair, etc. But they also get attracted to different personality characteristics. Some guys like a smart girl that they can talk to and discuss politics and theology with (or if they’re really smart, maybe the weight of a quasar as it travels towards a black hole). Others may feel insecure around a woman who may seem more intelligent than them, as it makes them look stupid in front of their friends (which is why some girls I know intentionally play dumb in front of men, although I don’t always think this is best way of dealing with it).

Also, a good attitude is essential, but your idea of a great personality may be different to what others find interesting. For instance, a girl may be extremely talkative and knowledgeable about a field she’s interested in, such as singing, but if she’s trying to get together with a guy who’s main interest is cars, then there is a chance that they may be stumped for conversation in the "getting to know you" phase. Most couples, if they like each other, will make the effort to become interested in their date’s field of expertise, but sometimes it just doesn’t work and there are few things that can kill the chances of date number two more than an initial evening of uncomfortable silences.

This doesn’t mean that your, ahem, "friends" are boring. Just that not all personalities gel together in perfect harmony all of the time. Have a look at your close friends and ask yourself what it is about them that makes you so close to each other. Then compare their personalities and traits to other people you know who are generally quite nice, etc. Sure these others are fine, sweet, attractive in their own way, intelligent and so forth, but the chemistry just isn’t there. The same thing happens between guys and girls.

So, in conclusion, not all guys shy away from "brainy" girls, although some of the more insecure ones might. As for the rest, it could be more of a chemistry thing and that’s something that can’t be forced. Either a couple has it or they don’t. As I usually suggest, just try being yourself (oops, I mean your "friends" should just be themselves) without pretence. No need to play dumb just to attract a guy as then you’ll have to keep up the charade forever. Maybe just don’t come off as a know-it-all as some may view it as a mayabang character flaw. As with any expertise, whether it be physical or academic, it’s always so much more impressive to be humble and let your skills shine when they’re needed. In the meantime your friends might try dating slightly older guys as they may be on a more equal mental footing, not only of knowledge, but also attitude. Besides, young astro-physicists are hard to come by these days. — Marc

* * * Crush Course

Dear Marc,

I read your column and find it very interesting. I wonder if you could help me. I have a male friend who has been helping me get close to my crush. My friend and I go to class together but when the class ends I go and talk to my crush and he waits for me. I don’t know if it’s really OK with him to wait, if he really means what he says. Sometimes, I think I am causing trouble for him. But because of him, me and my crush get along well. If this goes on I’m afraid that my relationship with my friend will slowly end. So, my question is whom should I prioritize? — Confused Friend

You’re a guy right? So is your friend, correct? Remember, we’re not always the most subtle creatures on earth, and generally don’t like talking in riddles. If you date a girl and she tells you that she would much rather you go and play Counter-Strike with your friends than spend time watching a movie with her, you know that might not be completely true (quick suggestion: Opt for the movie or you can forget about a goodnight kiss, let alone a second date!). However a guy, especially a close friend, is used to telling it to you straight. Remember, a friend is the one who will tell you that you look ridiculous with that new haircut, or suck at basketball. He’s also the one who isn’t afraid to tell you when you screw up or are about to do something stupid (although sometimes he’ll turn around and encourages you to do it anyway).

The points I’m trying to make are twofold. Firstly, your friend said it’s OK for him to wait for you, so that probably means it is really is OK with him. If it wasn’t, then he’s close enough to you to be able to admit that he wouldn’t be dyahe to ask for payment on the loan he gave you last week. Frankly, most guys haven’t got the imagination or mental respect for each other to try and speak in codes. It’s so much easier to just say what we mean and be done with it. We have enough trouble trying to decipher girls’ comments without having to do the same with our buddies (do girls really want us to tell them if they look fat in that dress??!).

Secondly, your friend is the one who is telling you to go and talk to this girl, so why would he have any objections? He’s being the dutiful friend by backing you up and encouraging you to do what you may have been too scared to do on your own. This is what my friends and I did for each other in college, although after they gave me the courage to talk to a girl, they would often sneak up behind me and make funny faces over my shoulder. It took me a while to figure out the girls weren’t laughing at my witty comments.)

OK, so your friend doesn’t mind waiting for you while you talk to your crush. That’s good for him. Have you ever considered being a little less selfish and maybe telling him that he doesn’t have to wait for you? You’ve obviously made it past the initial contact stage with your crush, so why don’t you just tell your friend to go ahead and you’ll catch up with him later? That way maybe he can go off and do something more interesting than sitting around, twiddling his thumbs watching you make goo-goo eyes at your lady friend. Alternatively, you can try including him in your conversation so that he can become your crushes’ friend too. There is another very important reason why they should meet and get to know each other, and that is if you and your crush eventually become an "item."

When that happens, then you have the dilemma of possibly losing your friend. Personally, I don’t see what the problem is. True, a lot of the time, when people start a new relationship, they want to spend all of their time with that person and naturally the spare time that they used to spend with their friends is now occupied by their boyfriend/girlfriend. This is the cause of many complaints by old friends, as they feel ditched and forgotten. Make sure you do not do this to your friend, especially after he’s helped and supported you so much in this initial stage.

The best way of getting around this is to include your friend in conversations with your crush so that she gets to know and like him as a friend as well (assuming she likes you more of course!). That way a lot of the more public things you do once you’re already a couple can also include him. If you’re afraid he might feel like a "third wheel," then you can always ask a couple of her friends to join you too. Who knows? Maybe he’ll get along really well with one of them and you can double date? The important thing is never to forget your friends, and that the equation of a new relationship should be about adding a new person to your circle without subtracting any of the old ones. — Marc

* * * Child Matters

Dear Marc,

Hi, I really enjoy reading your column. It’s amazing how you give practical advice to complicated problems. I have a problem of my own. There’s this girl I know who I really like, actually I love her (which was very hard to admit). It could have been a simple case of boy-likes-girl but the catch is, the girl has a three-month-old child. I really love her and I’m open to having a good relationship with the kid, but I’m afraid of how my family will react if they knew I’m dating a single mom. Please HELP ME!! — Huck

You, my friend, sound like you’ve met a nice girl and fallen in love. As you’ve mentioned, it should be a simple case, but sometimes life likes to throw a little spanner in the works. Ordinarily, a lot of guys out there would be scared by a girl that already has a child, especially in a traditional Filipino society where unwed mothers are a big no-no (although unwed fathers seem to be a lot more accepted… bit of a disparity there). There are a number of reasons for this, and these are probably the same reasons that you think might go through your parents’ thoughts if you told them of her situation:

1) She must be a woman of questionable morals. Hey, don’t look me up and hunt me down just yet, I know how defensive one can get over the reputation of someone they love, but this is not what I think, just what others might think. It’s an attitude you are going to need to know so you can defend against it. A friend once told me that whenever he sees a pregnant girl, the first thing that comes to his mind is "Well, I know she puts out…" Pretty sad way of thinking, but that may be what others subconsciously think as well. In a society that often still holds a woman’s being a virgin before marriage as being sacrosanct, then a single woman who has a kid is quite obviously "impure" (funnily enough, these views are often based on a religion that also believes in a certain virgin birth… but I don’t suggest you try that excuse in your case.). What people sometimes don’t realize is that people make mistakes, and not all relationships work out and so on. There are many people out there who are madly in love, think it would last forever, have certain intimate moments, and then break a few years later. This could well be what happened to your girlfriend, except that she also happened to get pregnant. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make her a bad person at all.

2) She’s out to trap you because she needs a father for her son. It is difficult for a woman to raise a kid on her own, and having a partner to take some of the pressure off is certainly a big help. This however doesn’t mean that that is the only reason she likes you. I know some single mothers who are fiercely independent and get offended if people believe that is the only reason that they date a guy. I hope that this friend of yours is like that, and likes you for you rather than just for the security that you might represent.

3) She will steal your youth, force you to mature and take on responsibility for someone else’s mistakes. I don’t know how old either of you are, but for the sake of argument, let’s say you’re both in your early 20s. She has obviously needed to do quite a lot of growing up due to having and raising a child fairly early. So, if the two of you get serious, you would probably want to take some of that responsibility from her (no matter how independent she may be as mentioned earlier). This is not taking over someone else’s mistakes, but rather sharing a large part of your girlfriend’s life. If you dated a girl who was starting her own business, you’d probably want to help her out, and become involved in something that was such an important part of her life (the same would be true if she was a competitive athlete or such). So the same is true of wanting to help her out with this, her most important of all responsibilities. It may also make you grow as a person in the same way that helping her manage a business or prepare for a race would force you to step up to the challenge. Dedication and some hard work are in order but there are greater rewards.

Although these are just some of the preconceived detrimental stereotypes of unmarried mothers, there are plenty more. Sometimes they’re true and often times they’re not. As in any relationship, make sure you know what a girl expects of you before you get too involved. As for your parents, I think if they can see what a nice girl she is and how much she cares about you and vice versa, maybe they could begin to understand. The best way for preparing for any objections of theirs is to already face them yourself and have all the answers ready. Unwed mothers are not and should not be treated as taboo by guys or parents. Some ironic proof of that is my friend who made the "I know she puts out" comment. He is now happily married to his girlfriend of many years, and equally happily helping raise her son from a previous marriage. — Marc

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