Of duds and dudes

Hi Marc

I am single, female, 31 years old. I have been in love only twice, unfortunately with wrong men. Wrong because both of them turned out to be unfaithful — aside from me, they still had other GFs pala. I don’t want to give up on men since I believe there are guys with admirable characters.

Can you please give me some tips on how to spot the unfaithful men? What are the initial signs of their apparent tendency to become unfaithful? At my age, it is sad that I am still gullible and that I always believe in the goodness that is inherent in every person that I meet. Thanks!

Keep on writing...you do so admirably!!! — Paula

Well, I’m not sure if there are any telltale signs of a guy’s potential for unfaithfulness or that you can discern right away when you meet them (although a wedding ring might be a bit of a clue). It’s a shame that you’ve had such bad experiences with guys. But you are right in thinking that we’re not all like that. Although it’s hard to tell if a guy is a cheater straight away, there may be some signs to look out for that might be a tip off. I say might; because these are just possible reasons to be wary, not sure fire signs of his infidelity. Remember, always make sure of something before blurting out accusations (you never know... that girl could really be his cousin from the province after all!). So, onto the signs.

Let’s see now, you could always try looking for the classic lipstick-on-the-collar if he’s really stupid and has never heard of mirrors (or laundry for that matter). However, in this day and age of lavanderas and clear lip-gloss, this is slowly becoming the path that only drunkards and girlie bar patrons get caught with.

The biggest tool of today’s cheaters is probably the cellphone, so pay attention to how he uses it. This does not mean you should read his texts and answer his phone as those are instant grounds for his dropping you straight away in my book (a certain amount of privacy is still sacrosanct). Instead, notice the way he may use it.

Does he get a text and seem to hide it from you while reading it with a smile on his lips? Then reply and not tell you what it may have been about? If this is the case, you might try asking him innocently what is so funny. If he says "Oh, just Jay from the office telling me about how trashed he got last night..." or something, then it’s probably safe. But if he seems flustered and can’t come up with a viable excuse, then let it go, but look out for more potential signs.

Another thing to look out for are lies, or rather the often small inconsistencies that pop up from time to time. Guys in general are pathetic liars. They may be all knowing, all powerful CEOs of multinational companies, but ask them where they were last night when you called them at the office, and they’ll uhmm and ahh, and come up with some pathetic explanation that just doesn’t fly. I have a friend who is a perfect example of this species. No matter how many times I tell him that he just can’t lie he will still make an attempt. Of course what begins with "Oh, I was out with my buddy so-and-so having coffee last night..." gets dragged on to in depth details such as "...and we talked about this and that, lot’s of catching up to do etc., etc." All very fine and good, until he and his girlfriend bump into said friend the next day who remarks how he hasn’t seen his friend in months and they should really get together and catch up sometime. Busted!

I asked a couple of female friends who have been through the same experience as to what telltale signs were that they noticed, and they both agreed that one that should certainly raise suspicion is if he stops sleeping with you. It’s a common but often well-founded stereotype that guys are very sexual creatures, and if you’ve ever seen the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights, you’ll know that there are very few guys that can get through a week without some kind of, umm... release. So, if he’s not getting it from you and he hasn’t got extra callouses on his palm and an enlarged right forearm, then it kind of gets you thinking.

There are plenty more signs to look out for, but to list every one would take a literary masterpiece rivaling War and Peace. The important thing to remember is that both guys and girls are known to cheat, and just because you’ve been burnt a couple of times doesn’t mean that you should give up altogether. Treat them as learning experiences and keep searching for that elusive faithful guy, because there’s a good chance that he’s out there trawling the ocean of infidelity looking for you, too. — Marc

* * * Help, I Am Obsessed

Dear Marc,

I have a problem about this guy. I met him last year and since then I couldn’t get him out of my head! Though we didn’t even have the chance to talk, as we’re just good for a smile whenever we bump into each other. But he’s someone I really... well, I guess, like. I think he likes me too but I don’t know what’s stopping him from courting me!

Compared to other guys, he’s the only one who didn’t fall for my winning "pa-cute" smile! And it hurts me! I’m really challenged by this man and though he’s back there in Manila (which really, really makes me sad until now ’cause I haven’t "got" him!) he’s always on my mind. You think it’s an obsession? Or something’s just weird here? Please help me figure this out...

Many thanks! — Michiko

There’s a guy you like and he isn’t courting you straight away? Oh heaven forbid! How can that be?! I’m just giving you a bit of a hard time, but truth be told, having a guy chase you just because you like him is the exception rather than the rule for most people. I know I certainly wish that every girl I was attracted to felt the same way, but reality likes to slap us in the face with the cold fish of rejection from time to time. You know, just to keep us on our toes and stop us from becoming too full of ourselves. All right, enough of the Michiko-bashing.

So, why doesn’t he run after you if he seems to like you? Well, for one thing, you don’t really know each other yet, so maybe he’s just the shy type. Some guys who may seem to possess all the confidence in the world around their friends can sometimes be a little shy and unsure of themselves around a girl they like. Could be that he doesn’t want to seem too forward and is waiting for someone to introduce the two of you formally? Of course, there is also the possibility that he just doesn’t like you, and only smiles at you to be polite? Most people, if smiled at in a friendly way will smile back, especially if they bump into that person a lot. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are attracted to you, just that they see you on such a regular basis that there is a connection of familiarity.

OK, so he’s not courting you the way that you expect. So, why are you so infatuated with him in the first place? Well, I think one of the main reasons could just be that he treats you differently from others. You said that he doesn’t seem to have fallen for your "pa-cute" smile the way other guys have (my, aren’t you a confident girl? Which toothpaste brand do you endorse?). That in itself is probably a chunk of the attraction. You’re getting turned on by the challenge of it all. If this guy had fallen all over you when you first flashed him your pearly whites, you might have gotten bored with him running around after you like some of the other guys and soon lost interest. What is different about him is his apparent indifference towards you. You’re curious to know why his behavior is so far removed from that of the rest of the guys you’ve met.

My advice to you is twofold. Number one, if you really want to get to know this guy, make the first move when you next see him and introduce yourself. There is no crime in making the first move and some guys just need that little bit of encouragement. Number two, become a bit more humble and aware that it is in the realm of possibility that you are in fact not God’s gift to men and your smile is not a spell that can weave it’s magic on all guys. Flaunt it for sure, but back it up with something more substantial, like friendliness and maybe some modesty.

* * * Friend In Need?

Dear Marc,

I’ve got this really close friend who is at the same time my crush and she knows it. Every time she has a problem I go to her and comfort her. But she doesn’t seem to want my company. She snubs me and gets mad at me. One time I told her how I felt whenever she ignored me.

I told her that I was wasting my time comforting her. So we had a talk. We got along and agreed that every time she had a problem, she would tell me but if ever she would forget, I should remind her about what we agreed on. But she again ignored me when she had another problem. Then when we talked over it, again, she said that she needed me at that time. She needed me but wouldn’t even talk to me? What’s the use of my company if she won’t even say a word? Right now we’re both OK with each other but should I go on with this?

Please Marc, help me. — Confused 14

I think perhaps that you may be smothering the poor girl. It’s one thing to be there for friends when they need someone to talk to, but quite another to be forcing her to tell all her problems to you all of the time. Maybe she needs some time alone to figure things out for herself once in a while.

You also need to face the fact that you are attracted to this girl, and therefore may not be the ideal person to help her through with certain issues. For instance, if she has a problem with a guy she likes, it is in your own best interest to tell her to dump the guy, he’s not good enough for her, etc., etc. This is great for your position, but when you really think about it, is that what is best for her? Maybe she really does like the guy and there is a possibility she could be happy with him. A true friend would then help her through her troubles and maybe suggest reconciliation.

A real friend would also be honest enough to tell someone when they’re out of line when dealing with a problem, not just blindly nod and agree with them in order to stay on their good side. When helping someone out, you should not only comfort them but also help them realize the cause of their problems, even if the cause is self-inflicted.

From the sounds of things, it seems like your crush would be better off with a bit of space. She obviously knows that you’ll be there if she needs you, so the reason she isn’t coming to you with her problems is probably because she doesn’t want to bring them to you. Intimacy is not something that can be forced onto someone, so threatening and badgering her is just going to make her less likely to go to you with a problem, as it may just be adding to her stress.

My suggestion to you is just give the girl some space. If she wants your help, then she’ll ask for it. In the meantime, just be there and act like a normal friend. You may feel like being a close confidante is the way to her heart, but that only works if she wants you to be that. Be patient and remember that real friendship is about being aware of what others need, not what you want them to need. Sometimes what they need the most is space. — Marc

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