Friend of fiend?

Dear Marc,

I’ve read your column a couple of times and I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m 15 and I have this friend who doesn’t seem to respect me. He doesn’t pay any attention to me when I talk to him and he only talks me when he needs something. I told to him about my frustrations with our situation but like I said he doesn’t listen. And that’s not the only problem, I think I’m starting to fall for him. Please, Marc I really need some help. — Troubled Teen

What I think you need even more than my help is a new friend and possibly a bucket of iced water to shock you to your senses. First things first. Call me a bluff old traditionalist, but I’ve always been under the impression that a friend is someone whom you can count and depend on. Just because you know someone doesn’t automatically qualify him as a "friend." If you were to interview a mass murderer behind bars, get to know him and even call him by his first name, I hope that wouldn’t automatically mean you are friends. People you know are "acquaintances" until you can both prove to each other that you’re worthy to be called friends.

Perhaps one of the most important factors in a friendship (apart from trust) is respect. Now, this may seem strange to anyone who has heard me talk to my really close friends (especially the Aussies), as the insults that fly back and forth are enough to make a jeepney driver blush. This, however, is just our sense of humor and there is absolutely no malice in it on either side. In reality, we know that we respect each other’s opinions and will always be there for each other whenever needed. Of course paying attention is always important as well, although most of the time we’re just looking for ways to poke holes in each other’s arguments (it really is quite fun having irreverent debates among friends).

So, on that basis, this "friend" of yours doesn’t sound like the world’s greatest candidate for Mr. Friendship. If he’s not overly friendly with you all the time, then maybe he just isn’t keen on getting to know you. Nothing especially wrong with that as we can’t please everyone all the time. However, you seem to realize that he only talks to you when he wants something. When I was in school, we called someone like that a "user," plain and simple.

He is probably aware of your feelings for him and he’s using these to his advantage so that he can get what he wants. Afterwards he then feels free to ignore you again and cast you aside like a dirty coffee cup until he needs you again.

I know it’s hard to fight your feelings sometimes, but really, you’re just setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain if you keep falling for this guy. He obviously doesn’t feel the same way about you. You know he’s a user, and at the moment he’s just using you for little things, what more if he knows you’re in love with him? A decent guy would prefer to stop seeing you until you got over him. However a user might take even more advantage of that kind of a situation, and make you his yaya before long (or worse).

My advice to you is to stop pining for this guy and find some new people that have potential as friends. If he comes around asking for something, try ignoring him the same way he has done with you. If you keep liking this guy you may be starting a trend where you end up getting attracted to guys that treat you like dirt for the rest of your life. Not good. — Marc

* * * Petty Footwear Quarrel

Hi Marc,

I find your column really sensible. Hope you could help me on this. My best friend and I had one serious argument regarding friendship. It happened one night when we were both attending a mini concert one weeknight. While on the way to the entrance of the venue, he asked if we could SWAP sandals... since was wearing a black pair and he was wearing yellowish brown. I declined to offer mine since it could ruin my look since I was wearing black slacks. The night ended just well, until one-conversation days after, he opened up and said that he was deeply hurt by my response! If he could offer his life daw for me, he would gladly offer it, and here I am not willing to share my sandals with him! I know this query sounds ridiculous, but it has caused us serious arguments. He’s testing my loyalty as a friend and me defending it by saying its a "shame" factor and thus, could not be used to test one’s friendship like swapping a BIG bow-tie on a wedding night with a small one. Please enlighten us. Thanks. — A Friend In Need

Umm, is it just me or does this sound like an incredibly petty argument to anyone out there? I really wish I could hear your friend’s rationale behind this argument, because as it stands, it sounds pretty lame. OK, so maybe he figured out that his sandals didn’t go with what he was wearing, and noticed that yours did. Great. That means he can color-coordinate (Zoolander would be so proud), although maybe he should have thought of that while he was still at home and could wear his own black sandals. Why should you look like the one with no fashion sense just because he forgot to dress appropriately?

The comparison to the wedding bow-tie analogy also is not valid. Sure, if it’s your friend’s wedding day he has every reason to look as good as possible, and I’m sure you’d even lend him your tux, car and lucky boxer shorts for the occasion (preferably clean… especially the boxers). However, a plain old night out on the town is a level playing field with no special "swap or loan" privileges apart from maybe some cologne and, if you’re really lucky, party balloons.

It’s one thing for him to say that he would offer his life for you if need be, but it’s not the same thing. You may even do the same for him if the need arose, but it can’t be compared to something as small as shoe swapping. I know that small things can sometimes blow up into big arguments. In fact an ex and I once had a huge row over a broken umbrella which almost ended the relationship. But we got over it and I now realize what a pathetic little thing it was.

This is exactly what you and your friend need to do now. Stop arguing over it and just realize that a true friendship is bigger than small arguments and petty tests. In fact, you should not feel the need to test a friend, as that means you lack trust in them and their willingness to help you when you truly need it. Keep testing people and they’ll start getting tired of it in the "boy who cried wolf" manner of things. Then when you really do need them, they’ll think it’s another test and blow you off. Better to save those favors till you really need them. But in the meantime, you should both swallow some pride and save the friendship.

I guess there’s one good thing to come out of all this. Now at least you know what to get him for Christmas. (Anyone know where to get a good deal on black sandals and small bow-ties?). — Marc

* * * Time To Lose It?

Hey Marc,

First, I would like to commend you for your very helpful advice column. I read it all the time and I think you’re really doing a great job dispensing sound advice.

I’m a 21-year-old senior college student in an exclusive Catholic school here in Manila. You see, lately I’ve been experiencing this "self-imposed" pressure. I’ve had two girlfriends and quite a few flings. Now, you may ask what my problem is. I’m actually still a virgin. It’s not that I’m trying to be a conformist or to live up to the expectations of our society, but I just think it’s about time I lost mine. I currently do have a fling whom I think has a very big potential to be my girlfriend, and I do think she’s dropping hints about her "willingness" to do it with me. I know that the next time we have an opportunity; it’s going to be it. I know this is not really a "wholesome" question" fit to be published (but I hope it will, pleeeeease), I just want to know what your views on this matter are. Are 20-plus virgin guys considered losers these days? What do you think? Hope you respond. Thanks. — The Virgin Guy

Well, I don’t really see what the problem is. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin no matter what your age or sex is, although admittedly it is becoming increasingly rare to find guys who are nowadays. I’m a big proponent of equality among the sexes, and that means it should work both ways. If a guy isn’t a virgin before he gets married, then he shouldn’t look down on a girl who is in the same situation. So, vice versa, if it’s accepted that a girl in her 20s is still a virgin, then why shouldn’t it be for a guy?

Sure, there’s a certain amount of macho yabang points to be scored in certain circles if you’re no longer an "innocent," but when it really comes down to it, even if you do become sexually active, I hope you won’t be crass enough to go bragging about it to all your friends.

It sounds as though you’ve already pretty much made up your mind to do it with this potential girlfriend of yours, and that’s fine. Good for you. There are however a few pointers I’d like to give you as you venture into this strange new world. Readers, don’t get too excited, I’m not going into graphic details (minds out of the gutter please!).

Number one, be aware of a persons feelings. Make sure you both know what you’re getting into so that there is no confusion with mixed emotions or anything later. In this respect, it may be a good thing if you and this girl do become boyfriend and girlfriend as at least that way you both know what to expect from each other.

Number two. As mentioned earlier, respect a persons’ privacy and reputation. There’s a joke that goes "Q: Why does a Queenslander (from north Australia) finish shagging so quickly?" "A: So he can rush down to the pub and tell all his mates". You do not want to be like this. If someone cares enough about you to share an intimate experience, don’t cheapen it by making it public knowledge. (Incidentally, I’m from Sydney… a long way south of Queensland, and an even longer distance in thinking).

Number three. Safety. I know you’re a good Catholic boy and everything, but if you’re going to indulge anyway, at least do the right thing by both of you and protect each other’s future. I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out for you (another word for apartment but without the "…inium". Gee, hope the pope doesn’t read this). Let’s just say it’s a much better idea to take responsibility for your actions beforehand rather than being burdened with them nine months later.

The rest is really just common sense and personal attitudes. Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with being or staying a virgin if that’s what you want. The important thing to always remember is that either decision is OK just so long as no-one gets hurt (physically or emotionally). Cheers! — Marc

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