The Supreme guide to breaking and making up

MANILA, Philippines - The astronomical spring officially started last March 20. Yes, technically that only exists in the Northern Hemisphere, which means that we really don’t have spring in the Philippines. However, according to a study conducted from Facebook, people usually break up during two events: Christmas and Spring Break (or Spring Cleaning, if you know what I mean). For the uninformed, spring break equates to beach parties, copious drugs and alcohol, tons of sex, and that new Harmony Korine film with a bunch of ex-Disney teenyboppers. In the Philippines, we have the summer kick-off that is Holy Week, in which a handful of us celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus Christ by getting punch-drunk in Puerto Galera.

As always, sh*t happens. Love ends. And sometimes it ends in the worst of ways. If things are too hot this summer and you want to cool off or rekindle the flame like Hayden and Vicki, Supreme has you covered with our guide to breaking and making up.

Break-up list

1. Your Lover is Evil

Face it, honey, there’s not a lot of good guys out there in the world. Before the world had the abomination that is Twilight, we had good ‘ole Buffy Summers from Sunnydale who had her own fair share of paranormal affairs. Case in point: Angel. Now, as angelic as his name might suggest, he’s actually the evil Angelus. You know this person. The one who made a good impression on your parents and paid for dates — that is, until that someone trampled your heart and left you bleeding on the floor.

What to do: Be strong like a bear. If you’re like Buffy, send his evil ass to a vortex straight to hell. It would help if you score it with Beyonce’s gangsta outing Bow Down/I Been On.

What not to do: Definitely don’t pull a Queen Amidala on this one. Upon learning that his precious Annie is now Darth Vader, she lost her will to live just as the fanboys lost their belief in George Lucas.

2. That Thing Called Cheating

For a country that finds the idea of divorce repulsive, we sure do get a lot of films about adultery. 57 percent of men and 54 percent of women admit that they do succumb to temptation every now and then. It’s even in the Ten Commandments (it’s No. 7, look it up). I guess since the Bible says it’s wrong, it ultimately is wrong.

What to do: Bye-bye birdie. There are two instances in local cinema in which men are castrated onscreen: Ruffa Gutierrez did it to Gabby Concepcion in 1994’s Loretta where she really did take it, take it. Monique Wilson did it to Carlos Morales’ member in Laro Sa Baga. Exposing the cheater in a reality show appeals to most Americans, however.

What not to do: Definitely don’t commit an act of revenge f**k. If there’s anything that we learned over the six excruciating seasons of Gossip Girl is that you never ever cheat upon being cheated. Because yes, Serena, screwing Dan while he’s screwing Blair who is screwing Chuck can definitely ruin your relationship with Blair for the hundredth time.

3. The ‘It’s not working out’

So the person you’re dating is really nice. But that person is a slob, or a fetishist, or a member of a cult from Sagada. Sometimes we go out with people and while it’s all fantasy and rainbows at the start, things just don’t add up to what they’re supposed to be.

What to do: Be honest. Face it, you’re not going to live with this person forever. The best thing that you can do is to take the high road. This allows you for a creative breakup. I suggest going catty without sounding dumb: “Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of.” Seems to work its charms. If you really don’t care: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” would suffice.

What not to do: If there’s one thing I learned from Sex and the City, it’s this: don’t break up with a Post-it containing the words “I’m sorry, I can’t.” That hurts women right straight to their ovaries. And they bicker about it on HBO which causes the world even more pain. A lengthy e-mail explaining your breakup intentions with an MP3 of The Postal Service’s Nothing Better attached would be better.

4. The Evil Barriers

Even if you’re dating the nicest person in the entire universe but her parents are crueler than world-dominating super villains, not even a highly educated politician could stand a chance. Scott Pilgrim had seven evil exes to defeat and Dante walked through hell to get to Beatrice. Love eventually survives, but there’s always evil hovering nearby.

What to do: Give up. Face it, man, she’s not the only girl in the universe. Gerard Anderson knew this with Sarah Geronimo, thus he’s getting it on with Maja Salvador. There are battles that you have to face, but a battle with Sarah Geronimo’s mom is definitely not one of them, bro.

What not to do: Retaliate. Hostility begets chaos. And you wonder why Chiz Escudero hasn’t said a thing about Heart’s parents.

Make-up list

1. You are destined for each other naman talaga, eh

Otherwise known as The Popoy and Basha. Thanks to Star Cinema, instead of making us believe that love is crappy and that love ends, we are now equipped with the hope that yes, one day, he will emerge out of the elevator and ask me for coffee because he is totes in love with me. So yeah, work on that career first and maybe you’ll find each other once again.

2. You are the Supreme Leader of North Korea

Supreme Leader gets what he wants. Supreme Leader wants Dennis Rodman, Supreme Leader gets Dennis Rodman. Supreme Leader wants past love who is previously North Korean Pop Star, Supreme Leader gets past love who is now Excellent Horse-Like Lady. Supreme Leader for world domination imminent.

3. You should sing to her

It’s basically in our genes to sing what’s in our hearts. Since old school is always the new school, why not harana your way back to her heart? Book her favorite band and bring them outside her house. I’m pretty sure Ang Bandang Shirley or Tarsius would be glad to book it. If you can’t sing, a boombox and a trenchcoat are always fashionable.

4. You should move on

Even if it is pretty much a reflection of our generation, don’t expect someone to run across New York without a shirt on to help you get over a bad haircut. Life isn’t like HBO’s Girls. Your ex won’t become an overnight millionaire and you won’t end up sleeping with a hot doorman. So move on. Continue reading those pieces on Thought Catalogue and go on living. You lost the love of your life, but you didn’t lose yourself.

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