MMFF films of the future

MANILA, Philippines - It should be baffling why the MMDA, a government agency that handles the metro’s solid waste disposal, is the same agency behind the yearly Metro Manila Film Festival (MMFF). But anyone who’s seen an MMFF film lately can see why it’s a perfect fit — who better than the MMDA to facilitate the distribution of an abundance of crap?

Now, while the MMFF has given us such turds as the Enteng Kabisote series, any Bong Revilla-starrer, and Mikey Arroyo’s under-reaching 2001 effort, Di Kita Ma-reach, the festival was once home to timeless classics such as Himala.

So it is with cynicism and a dash of hope that Supreme takes a peek inside our crystal ball to forecast the films that will invade your Christmases for years to come. After all, the yearly tilt makes a ton of f***ing money and is already part of our cultural landscape. So expect it to be around forever. As in, forever-forever.

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Tanging Ina Mo Talaga

Starring: Ai-ai delas Alas, DJ Durano

Directed by: Wenn Deramas, who has done every Tanging Ina film.

Ina (delas Alas) has already mothered a bunch of kids, become the president, and been shipped into a fantasyland. In this new adventure, Ina is boldly going where no mother has gone before: outer space. After MASA (Manila Aeronautics & Space Administration) chooses Ina for their first manned mission, things go awry during the voyage. She lands on the sparsely populated planet, El-Bog, and discovers that she is the only woman on it. The Elbogians treat her like a goddess as she is their only chance for repopulation, but is Ina ready to give birth to a million alien-human hybrids? How hilarious is the sex scene going to be? Who will take care of her children back on Earth? Find out in Star Cinema’s ground-breaking sci-fi comedy.

Most likely to: Earn more than P800 million at the box office, thereby making it the Best Picture at the MMFF Awards. (Quality, what?)

Ibong Adarna 3D: Ang Paglipad

Starring: Vic Sotto, and Vic Sotto’s potential girlfriend

Directed by: Tony Reyes

Sick of Engkantasya? Well, Vic Sotto’s moving to Berbanya in this brand-new adaptation of the epic poem. It’s pretty much like your high school Ibong Adarna, but made funny with Vic Sotto’s antics. Have we mentioned that it’s shot entirely in HFR 3D? Because if Peter Jackson can do it, so can Tony Reyes. Of course, at some point in the film, a Sex Bomb dancer will comment on how pogi Vic Sotto is before the camera zooms in on a product placement of some detergent or something… in 3D. Sotto will follow this film up with Si Florante, Si Laura at Si Ako. Can’t wait.

Most likely to: Have the most satisfying Tito Sotto cameo, where he plays a Gandalf-esque all-knowing wizard, who says, “RH Bill: You shall not pass!” — before being eaten by a dragon.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll XXX

Stars: Every Regal Baby who is still under contract

Directed by: Chito Roño, Chito Roño, and Chito Roño duh.

This year in Shake, Rattle, and Roll: A demonic walis tambo cleans out the residents of a college dormitory by murdering them one by one; a tikbalang’s forbidden love with a manananggal creates a war in the land of the Engkantos; and 40 minutes of Ruffa Gutierrez’s bad acting. Scary!

Most likely to: Contribute most to Mother Lily’s feng shui fund.

‘Dre Hard: Kakasa Ka Ba?

Starring: Eddie Garcia, Robin Padilla, Jeric Raval, Philip Salvador, Ronnie Ricketts, Ernie Reyes Jr., BB Gandanghari, Solenn Heusaff

Directed by: Carlo J. Caparas

Some chick (Heusaff) gets kidnapped by a notorious MILF leader (Reyes Jr.) and it’s up to Dre (Padilla) to save the day. But in order to do that, he needs help from his old compadres: Arnis (Ricketts), Bomba (Raval), Manong (Salvador), Tungkod (Garcia), and his long-estranged gay brother, Baby (Gandanghari), the samurai-wielding geisha spy. “National Artist” Carlo J. Caparas brings you straight into the jungle in this action-packed, adrenaline-fueled film that is totally not a rip-off of The Expendables.

Most likely to: Win Best Supporting Actress (BB Gandanghari) and the Gender Sensitivity Award (an actual MMFF prize).

Brocka

Starring: Piolo Pascual

Directed by: Mike de Leon

In 2012, Mike de Leon came out of the darkness to help Martin Scorsese restore Brocka’s Maynila, Sa Kuko ng Liwanag. After his Malick-esque disappearance, De Leon returns to cinema by bringing one of cinema’s greatest figures in the most artful and enthralling way possible. Forget the shoddily-made, true-to-life-daw biopics that don’t deliver the actual stories that they aim to tell — this is Lino Brocka as he is. Think Cannes. Think Oscars. Think about those laurels, because if it gets made, this film is going to bring it.

Most likely to: Win Best Actor for Piolo Pascual’s role of a lifetime: playing the openly gay Lino Brocka.

Mano Pac-q

Starring: Manny Pacquiao, Kris Aquino, Dionisia Pacquiao

Directed by: Joel Lamangan

Lamangan brings together two of his biggest movies, Pacquiao: The Movie and Mano Po, in one powerful punch. As the 16th entry in the Mano Po series, the film is about Money (Pacquiao), an ex-boxing champ who has to redeem himself by going for one final match against Floydwebber (Blakdyak). As the match draws closer, he learns that the father of his wife, Chinkee (Aquino), is conspiring with the Chinese mafia to rig his defeat. Will Money be a knockout or will he get knocked down? (This will also be the tagline on the poster.)

Most likely to: Tank at the box office, but win Best Float and contribute votes to Pacquiao’s electoral race.

Die Womb

Starring: Cesar Montano, Sunshine Cruz-Montano

Directed by: Cesar Montano

There had been talks of Hollywood remaking Cesar Montano’s 2006 thriller Ligalig, but those talks never materialized simply because the Americans probably realized that it was essentially a carbon copy of Alexandre Aja’s 2003 French splatterfest, Haute Tension. A few years have passed and Cesar Montano is still making films, so why not rip off another one? We recommend Alexandre Bustillo’s Inside, a film about a stranger who invades a pregnant woman’s house to rip the unborn baby out of her womb. Call it an ultraviolent commentary on the RH Bill and you’ve got a winner.

Most likely to: Be hated among local film circles for its utter unoriginality, and loved by everyone else.