Christmas in the time of self-obsession

MANILA, Philippines - There’s something about the season that inspires some sort of treason:

“G’bye, propriety!” “Kita kits! Modesty.” “Text-text!” to basic mores of what passes as socially acceptable.

See you next year, is the message. Cause right now, I’m just all. About. Myself.

Now, we can blame it on the relative cold (cuddling weather — very difficult to survive if you’re alone), or perhaps the de facto break that goes down around this time. Whether or not we’re legally on leave, people get pretty sluggish come December — populating the office like droids who can’t bring ourselves to anything beyond on-the-clock Facebook. Minds just wander, leaving you to thoughts of you, thoughts of she, thoughts of he, thoughts of we — introspective, High Fidelity crap that’s equal parts self-love and self-loathing.

And, since I’ve taken it upon myself to be the post-Emily Post of this generation (sorry), I’ve crafted a little guide to help you get through and over this period of self-obsession.

What? Care about you?

There is only an “I” in Christmas, after all.

1. What’s wrong with you?

No, really. Since we’re on the topic of High Fidelity (Rob, a record store owner and compulsive list maker, recounts his top five breakups, including the one in progress — IMDb), Christmas is the time to check yourself before you wreck yourself, and ask: Why? What’s wrong with me? You’d be surprised at how many venues the season sets up for this sort of self-interrogation: high school reunions, dinners to play catch-up, run-ins with ex-dates coming home from overseas. Detox by intox is the mantra. Inundate yourself with self-realizations, no matter how hurtful they may be. At a 24-hour watering hole last month, one of my best friends blurts out, in the middle of one of my boy-binges: You know who your boyfriend is?? Trouble! (A fair observation.)

It’s very useful to surround yourself with people like these who won’t give you bull, or tell you how long your hair is, when it’s time to cut the crap. You might also want to try what our antihero Rob did and go through your dossier of past lovers, best friends, and mentors—people with whom your ties have soured or just faded. They’ll know what to tell you, and how. And they won’t care if it stings, which is just what you need.

2. Scrimp on the selfies. 

No discussion of self-obsession is complete without this era’s totems of “connectivity”: Facebook, Twitter, and that recent beast, Instagram. Now is the time — while no one is doing anything — to restructure your social media persona. Aim for something less about yourself, and more about the people who follow you. On Instagram, if you’re a fan of selfies and party photos (guilty…): train the lens on someone or something else, sometime. Instagram was meant to be a camera, not a mirror — it’s a visual diary of how you see, not how you appear. And as for your status updates, even if everything you post essentially talks about yourself anyway, try to find something in there that matters to one, or several, or maybe a whole lot of those people who see you. The status bar is your sphere of influence. I envy my friends who actually have something important to say, because they really do have relevant (and by this I mean: society-building) things to do: get behind honest-to-goodness welfare projects, create art that makes you think, make films that let you step back and reassess your l-y-f. That’s another thing. Stop documenting and start doing. It’s the only way you’re ever gonna be able to really find something to say that matters. And while you’re at it, rethink the people you keep tabs on. Sometimes, we don’t realize it, but following people who are self-obsessed turns us into self-obsessed little monsters, too.

3. Give the gifts that keep on giving. 

At this point, it’s time to transcend. Deflect attention away from yourself, and take a break from serious time. Since you can’t really send fam-photo Christmas cards to your friends (that is more of family territory anyway), let them know that you care enough to send the very best. Link them to the season’s latest meme: lingerie models + Christmas carols. Love Magazine put up a pretty cool collection of Advent videos on thelovemagazine.co.uk, with priceless clips of Dree Hemingway rolling in fake snow, Kelly Brook lip-synching to George Michael’s Last Christmas, and Cara Delevingne whizzing in and out of the frame on roller skates, until, surprise, her top’s off. Over at Victoria’s Secret, the Christmasturbatory mood continues with the Angels butchering classic Christmas carols in off-key, deck-the-halls-with-boughs-of-honey glory. This one’s for the boys. Totally guaranteed to take your mind off yourself.

4. Know when to quit.

Back to regular programming. As my good friend and moral compass Raymond says: Just. STOP IT. You’re going to be presented with a lot of gifts you don’t want to receive, anyway, so there’s no reason to hoard additional things that keep your boat afloat: past relationships, acquaintances that flatter you—so-called safety blankets that just warm your ego. Different from number one, these aren’t necessarily negative entities that I’m imploring you to get rid of. These are deceptively harmless things that prevent you from moving into the next phase of your life, and from becoming the person you were meant to be. Contentment and routine could be the devil: the uninformed praises of people who envy the outwardly manifest glamour of your career (preventing you from taking the next leap into the program or job, that difficult as they may seem, may be what you really need), or, in terms of dating, people whom you know you don’t have a future with—on-and-off buddies that are forever going to be transient, and yet you still associate with because they make you feel better about yourself momentarily. If these words ring true despite the absence of any clear referents, then that must mean you’re in this boat. Time to jump ship.

5. Right your wrongs. 

This guideline might seem like you’re going back to the first, but that assumption would just be wrong. Beyond just getting rid of what’s choking you, it’s time to enter a next phase of pro-active reform, where the idea of bettering yourself becomes less about egotism, and more about self-actualization. Get what you deserve is the mantra. My Supreme editor Pepe focused things best for me when he said, “More than self-obsession, it’s about gifts you can give yourself this Christmas — self-worth, a commitment to bettering yourself, focusing on your future…”

Sitting on his lap, like he was Santa, a week prior to this counsel (we have a highly collaborative relationship; also it was my birthday and there were no seats left at my table…), I’m pretty sure he was telling me the same things already; I just wasn’t hearing it then. Sometimes you’re so preoccupied with the self-awareness, you get oblivious to the one that’s just right outside of you.

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