Struggling with sexual abuse

Dear Nanay,

I am a fan of your column, and though a majority of the concerns that are published are nothing but the “whimsical arduous problems of modern living,” your column is a compendium of modern standards of living, whether the problems are a superfluous articulation of domestic existence or something more serious.

I also want to thank you for publishing the letter I submitted several months ago; that first sensation of being “popular” still never fails to put a smile on my face.

Nanay, I recently had the courage to face my darkest secret, which I have kept hidden from my consciousness, believing that it will haunt me or cause a disassociation with my present life, a secret that has devastatingly affected who I am today and how other people perceive and accept me. Nanay, I was sexually abused when I was young. I was repeatedly molested by my uncle and my other male relatives, and I was made a “sex slave” for half a decade by my male neighbor. It happened 16 years ago, and remembering everything that happened still sends shivers down my spine. I was helpless, lonely and had no one to talk to in my continuous battle against the ghosts of my past.

I have tried to commit suicide several times, but I am fortunate that I have failed. I tried to engage myself in carnal escapades with those of the same sex, but it added to my self-hatred. Nanay, it is difficult to be a bisexual man and at the same time to be crucified by memories of things past. I sometimes see myself as inferior to other men. No one in the world can penetrate the pain and loneliness I had to suffer due to such traumatic experiences. But I am more than willing to try and rise from this rut that I am in. I do not have any friends, Nanay. I always see everyone as judgmental and highly suspicious. I cannot help but cry whenever I see someone who is more normal than me and I am always longing for solitude.

I have developed a state of numbness and have made myself emotionally distant from everyone. Nanay, please help me. I am afraid, really afraid. I have nothing in this world but the certainty that there is a kind, humble soul willing to ease my pain and give me some encouragement. I am aware that I have major psychological issues that must be addressed, but what I really need is the assurance that I am not alone in this world in continuously battling and struggling to be freed from the ghosts of my past. I need a voice other than mine. I need an emotional gesture of charity, and most of all, I need acceptance. Nanay, I want everyone who has experienced sexual abuse to do not give up on this life and I hope that my letter will be an eye-opener to those who are afraid to address this particular issue.                             

— Mr. Lonely and struggling

Dear Mr. Lonely and struggling,

First of all, I always admire people who have the strength to keep on going even when the odds seem insurmountable. Hopefully, by sharing your experiences, you will help give hope to others who might be facing similarly challenging odds.

You ask for reassurance that you are not alone. I assure you that you are not the only one in this world who is struggling with problems.

You ask everyone who has shared your experience to never give up on life. I ask you to do same. Don’t give up. Don’t quit. What happened to you in the past is both unacceptable and unforgivable. However, it is just that… in the past. Try your best to put it behind you because you still have your whole life ahead of you.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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