Sein of the times

This Week’s Winner

Randy Romo Razon, 28, is one of the youngest rectors of the cursillo movement in the Philippines. Under the aegis of Los Grandes Amores, he has led cursillo retreats in Quezon City and Laguna. His first rector and spiritual mentor is former Manila Mayor Ramon Bagatsing. He is active in the parish and the local community of Potrero in Malabon City, where he established a restaurant.

MANILA, Philippines - Jerry Seinfeld is a natural in the exhilarating world of stand-up comedy. It is, you might say, a gene thing. “There were few people as much fun               to watch work as my father,” Seinfeld reminisces. “There has never been a professional comedian with better stage presence, attitude, timing or delivery.”

His father’s day job was running their own shop on Long Island called Kal Signfeld Sign Co. “He really did.”

Jerry’s other childhood hero is the iconic Bill Cosby, the first African-American actor to star in his own TV series. “But to me, he was the first adult on TV to wear sneakers. I know that affected me, but I’m not sure in what way.”

Jerry Seinfeld, my favorite comedian — excuse me, humorist — wrote my favorite book, Sein Language (Bantam), the best-selling, belly-aching fun-ride collection of his thoughts about…mama mia, almost everything! Subjects such as friends, travel, people who never shut up, things like that. You can call it Male Jessica Zafra Stateside.

The book includes his boyhood adventures. “The only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going, ‘Quit it!’”

Like most of us, Jerry also had PE. “A gym teacher is a strange occupational choice,” he analyzes. “You’re walking around in shorts with a whistle all day long. You’ve got an office next to the shower, you’re torturing and humiliating young boys all day. It’s weird. Always walking by the shower, it’s like a porno movie.”

Their house seemed like a fine place to hang out. His mother kept an extra roll of toilet paper on the toilet tank, and it had a small knit hat with a pom-pom on it. “The toilet paper had a hat, the dog had a sweater, and the couch arms and back had little fabric toupées to protect it. I never felt the need to try drugs growing up. My reality was already altered.”

All boys, even Jerry Seinfeld, grow up. One time, he was in a drug store buying medicine for his cold. What greeted him was an entire wall of products. “Well, this one is quick-acting but this one is long-lasting. Which is more important, the present or the future?”

One of the most wonderful things in life is the attraction between men and women — even if they have nothing in common. “Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsessed with shoes.”

Jerry’s not gay. But some people thought he was because he was thin, neat and got married late in life. “You normally don’t think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married.”

He’s not homophobic, either. But he tries to analyze this using his keenly incisive sense about human nature (which he tries to hide behind laughs): “I think it’s because, deep down, all men have weak sales resistance.” A guy worries, privately: What if he accidentally wanders into some sort of homosexual store thinking it’s a shoe store and the salesman says, “Just hold this guy’s hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels.’ No obligations, no pressure, just try it.”

Friends come and go — but some never do. You have friends that you see “though you don’t really want to see them. You don’t call them, they call you. You don’t call back, they call again. You’re late, they wait. You don’t show up, they’re not upset. You try and stab them, they understand.”

It’s too bad that conversations are not like shooting a movie scene. Wouldn’t it be nice if you said something awkward, and some guy would barge in and say, “Cut, cut! That’s not going to work at all! Walk out the door, come back in, let’s take this whole scene again. People, think about what you’re saying!”

Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who pick up the phone and get disappointed when they don’t get the answering machine. It’s “because when we come home we want to see that little red light and go, ‘All right, messages.’ People need that. It’s very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people they have no interest in.” Jerry’s depth can be both philosophical and metaphysical. “I love cars,” he confesses. “It’s the greatest physical object I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why, really. My only theory is, when you’re driving, you’re outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that’s something.”

My favorite passages are the ones about bookstores. A lot of people will browse for hours and not buy anything. I’m not confirming nor denying I’m one of them — after all, I did buy a cookbook last week. I would imagine that such browsers bring stress to the shop owner. I was lucky I wasn’t scolded by a saleslady: “So you know everything? There’s nothing you need in here? There must be something you’re at least interested in. Why did you come in here in the first place? We don’t need you, you know.”

This passage changed my life in a moment. It’s an amazing worldview from a beautiful mind. Jerry Seinfeld “still can’t believe this book is in a bookstore. I love bookstores. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking. And I like the way it breaks them down into fiction and nonfiction. In other words, these people are lying, and these people are telling the truth. That’s the way the world should be.