Not just raising children, but raising happy children

THIS WEEK’S WINNER

Dr. Donabel Barbosa-Bareng is a graduate of UST and a pediatrician at the Hospital of Infant Jesus in Sampaloc, Manila; she also has her own pediatric clinic in Quezon City. She is married to Dr. Clifford Bareng, an emergency medicine physician. They have two sons, Charles Dean and Chase Denzel.

Being a pediatrician, I know I’m blessed with knowledge about children. Yet, to become a better mom, if not the best, is something that takes practice and more information. Magazines give you bits and pieces of advice on being a parent, but there is one book about parenting that I can’t live without — a book that I recommend to the mothers of my patients and to friends with children. The book is Raising Happy Children by Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson.

The authors write, “In real life, happy children do not smile benignly at every dropped toy. They are not the ones allowed to do exactly as they please whatever the consequences or those trained to display only the acceptable face of childhood. Happy children are loved and loving, allowed to be children and given the guidance they need to flourish. They are children whose feelings, needs and development are understood.”

Not even finishing the first chapter yet, I was struck by the message of such a profound task which requires commitment on the one responsible for rearing a child.

The book reminded me of what happened at my workplace. It was a rainy Tuesday night and I was on an eight-hour duty from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. A weak-looking three-year-old girl, highly febrile at 39.5?C, was brought to at the emergency room at 9 p.m.

 “What happened?” I asked the one who was carrying her.

“She’s been having on-and-off fever for about a week now,” replied the woman.

The girl was placed on the examination bed and her vital signs were taken. “What took you so long to bring her to a doctor?”

“I’m not the mother,” she answered defensively. “Her mom works abroad. Our maid said she was okay though. I’m the grandmother but she also has a younger brother that I take care of.”

The girl had pneumonia. She must have had a cough for quite some time now but they didn’t notice it. “She has to be admitted,” I said.

“But, doctor, could you just prescribe her some medicines, because no one can stay with her if she’s in the hospital.”

Unfortunately, this wasn’t a rare occurrence. If only one of her parents was here, then she would have been a priority.

This has always been the battle in my mind. Sometimes I resent our country for being poor — that countless people both the uneducated and the educated professionals have to go somewhere else to earn a good living. Even some doctors here will take a chance and level work as a nurse abroad to get a better income. The government hails our overseas workers for bringing in dollars to the country and uplifting the economy, but at what price?

In our case, my husband and I earn all right, yet the dream of earning in dollars is still at the back of our minds. We could earn more outside, save up easily and build a big house after only three to five years of working abroad. I thought once that six months after giving birth, I would be ready to leave my child with his grandparents as my husband and I work and earn in a foreign land. But I was wrong.

My son Charles was born in October 2006. I was so excited to be a first-time mom. I practically did almost everything for him for the first six weeks — I breastfed him, gave him a bath, lulled him to sleep, picked him up at night whenever he woke up, and changed his diapers. I witnessed all his firsts — his smile, laughter, rolling over, sitting up, holding a feeding bottle, eating solids, his first steps. Then, we were blessed again with another son, Chase, in May 2008. I found myself always rushing home from work to see my sons again. Even if each has a yaya, I prefer to sleep with them in our bed three to four times in a week, with me in the middle, whenever my husband is on duty. Yes, all this despite working almost round the clock!

As Dr. Dorothy Rowe says in the book, “Being a parent takes a great deal of time, effort and expense. Even if you only do the basics — keep your children fed, clothed, healthy and provide a good education — you put a great deal into the whole exercise. What is the reward for all this? It isn’t the hugs and kisses that go with a Christmas present. The reward can be the best prize of all — a close, loving relationship.”

Motherhood is demanding but what a delicious, precious prize it has!

I realize that having and taking care of two small children is not an easy task. Raising Happy Children is my constant companion with its topics ranging from communicating with the baby to dealing with children’s feelings to encouraging positive behavior and effective discipline. Every insight is worth pondering over.

My husband and I refused a job offer from a hospital in the Bahamas. I felt challenged but questions remained in my mind. If we had left, I wouldn’t be able to witness the achievements of my sons — big or small, it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t witness their milestones or see the joys and pains of being a mother. I would miss all this.

I realized then that my priority is taking care of my children, to raise not just healthy ones, but happy individuals indeed.

 “Every small, positive step you take as a parent will have an impact on your child’s life. Do what you can, when you can and you will make a difference.” Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson may sound stern with these words, but I believe that each parent will reap the benefits in due course.