Of blondes and ducks
Much madness is divinest sense
To a discerning eye
Much sense the starkest madness.
‘Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevail.
Assent and you are sane;
Demur, you’re straightaway dangerous
And handled with a chain.
— Emily Dickinson
It happens to everyone.” No, no. This is neither a line lifted from an adult diaper commercial nor is it from an awareness campaign for some venereal disease. I have bigger things on my mind than incontinence and VD. You see, this is what I say to myself — sort of my mantra for when awful things happen to me.
When I say “things,” I mean those that seem completely idiotic and worthy of a great, big smack on the forehead. You see, I have a close relationship with disgrace. Through puberty to adulthood, embarrassment is one emotion I have become quite familiar with.
From simple trip-ups to it-only-happens-in-movies scenarios, I’ve had them all. And I seem to churn out more than my fair share. I’ve bumped, scraped, tripped, and fallen just like everyone else. But I’ve also, to name a few, been served a hundred-percent organic garbage and flood water cocktail — splattered, not stirred; been half-masticated by a vicious pink and green folding bed and survived to tell the tale with all body parts intact; and finally, gone for a night out with friends while amazingly oblivious to the fact that I was wearing a stiletto-heeled sandal on one foot, and a wedge slipper on the other.
In fact, my sisters delight in retelling my escapades to friends I have not even met. So consistent am I that I unwittingly deliver fresh material every few weeks. I am now so legendary in certain parts of the continental
With a reputation like mine, there are days when I think that perhaps I really am a flake — a bit harebrained sometimes, or was just born that lucky. Back in high school, peer pressure would get to me, and I used to beat myself up about these horrifying memories that kept replaying over and over in my head. Is there any way of salvaging a shredded dignity when it has been picked at by the school vultures? If it is true what they say about birds of the same feather, why do my friends not suffer the same as I do? Could it be that I was the lone duck in a pond of swans?
As I got older, I eventually gave up on trying to change what I could not control, and just embraced who and what I have become. I mulled over all that I had been through, and realized that I didn’t turn out so bad. Large doses of humility have an unmistakable way of sculpting one’s character. Sure, my blonde streak may still show from time to time, and perhaps I really am a duck. But what is so wrong with being one? At least I don’t deny it.
Let’s face it. We all do stupid things, whether you’re an Einstein or an Average Joe. It’s just that sometimes we don’t think anything of it because there’s nobody around to see it happen. The “aha! factor” (more commonly known as getting caught) only makes it humiliating because society dictates that we give importance to others’ opinions and that we follow a standard of correctness.
I share my experiences not just for cheap laughs but also to empower my fellow ducks to no longer be ashamed of being different. I no longer question my place on this earth and I comprehend now how special God made me. So what if I swim in a pond full of swans? I say, shake your tail feather! Conformity is now an option, no longer a requirement.
Now, I am happily living and thinking outside the box and I have learned a few important things looking from the outside looking in:
1. Embarrassing experiences happen to everyone — maybe not to the same extent, but still they do.
2. No matter how great a person is at something, there is always room for human error.
3. Shame is the Lord’s tool of preference when He wants to whittle down your pride and your ego to their proper size.
4. Check for open flies and mismatched footwear before getting out of the car or house. The same holds true for keys, money, and underpants.
5. Never play with a jealous dog’s litter while letting it come near enough to snack on your armpits.
6. Look up unfamiliar words like “coitus” before throwing them around, just to sound smart.
7. Always sing loud and proud, but have the car windows up before belting out Colors of the Wind on a rainy-day drive.
8. It is not so bad to be laughed at. It’s better to see people laughing than crying around you.
9. Other people’s opinions do not matter. What matters is what you think of yourself.
10. It is true that what won’t kill you will only make you stronger, much like nasty Chinese herbal remedies.
11. It is also true that birds of the same feather flock together. I fly high and proud with my fellow ducks now. Whether or not my shoes match.
12. There is always a choice. You just might not like it.
13. Hope should be shared, not just kept. Same goes true for wealth and blessings.
14. Never question the Lord’s will. (Who’s to say I’m not His comic relief? Everyone needs a laugh. Why not Him? It’s a bit dead up there, isn’t it?)
15. And finally, blondes and ducks do have more fun, and I realize how much I love being one.
