Laugh and survive
July 3, 2005 | 12:00am
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts – Anonymous
It’s one of those times when we need to laugh again. The news brings nothing but negative headlines, gasoline prices are up, the peso is down, and life is getting to be more expensive than ever. Even water we have to buy, and at the rate things are going, we’d soon be buying air to breathe.
The only thing free now is laughter. Laughter is what Filipinos turn to for survival when times get rough – like we could not have survived those turbulent Erap years without the Erap jokes. The Philippine political scene is so pathetic and surreal, you don’t know whether to get mad, laugh or cry. Rather than fume or be depressed and miserable, laugh na lang tayo, but let’s not forget to solve the real issues. Here are a few funnies to lighten your day!
After winning the elections but before his inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House by the outgoing president, Bill Clinton.
While being shown the President’s bedroom, Bush asked Clinton if he could use his bathroom and Clinton readily obliged. In Clinton’s private toilet, Bush was astonished to see a fancy solid gold urinal.
Later, Bush told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "That Bill Clinton has real class. Did you know that he has a gold urinal in his bathroom?"
During the scheduled lunch, Laura was making conversation with Hillary and she indicated to Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the gold urinal in the president’s private bathroom.
Finally, the tour for the Bushes ended with Bill and Hillary retiring to their bedroom. Upon entering their bathroom, Hillary let out a shriek.
"Bill, don’t get mad now. Someone pissed in your saxophone, and I think I know who it was!" — Forwarded by Onie Mayo
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well – only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I’ve always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That’s my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every politician in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney..."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, ""Here lies a politician and an honest man.’" — Forwarded by Chito Frondoso
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had a bypass. He woke up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Son: I saved three pesos!
Father: How?
Son: Di ako sakay jeep. Sabay na lang ako sa takbo nya.
Father: Bobo! Sana taxi sinabayan mo para mas malaki na-save mo!
Steward: Sir, are you done?
Passenger: No, I’m Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I’m Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?
Mare 1: Tulungan mo naman ako, ang inaanak mo nalulon ang susi ng bahay!
Mare 2: Para yun lang natataranta ka na? Eh, di gamitin mo yung duplicate. — Forwarded by Sam Santamaria
Don’t you mess with the Filipino! When he knows he is being taken for a ride, he will resort to jokes that can ridicule and be heartlessly direct. Rude to a point, yes, but always creative and brilliant! These jokes have been burning the text airwaves during the past few days:
ERAP: He, he, he! Akalain mo, magkapatid pala kami ni GMA.
Jinggoy: Ha? Paano nangyari yun?
ERAP: Hina mo talaga. Pareho kaming anak ng jueteng! — Texted in by Edward Castañeda
Cardinal Sin’s wish before dying was for GMA and Mike to be by his side.
The first couple asked, "We are honored, but why us?"
Cardinal Sin replied, "I want to die like Christ with two thieves by my side."
The GMA Prayer: Aba naman Gloria, napupuno ka ng grasya. Ang kayamanan ng tao ay sumaiyo na. Bukod kang pinagpala sa babaeng lahat. Pinagpala rin ang iyong pamilya. Wala nang natira sa AMEN. — Texted in by Nadine Bargas
The Philippines is not doing so bad daw. Wala nang imperialismo, wala nang kommunismo, controlled na ang terrorismo. Ang problema na lang ay ang gobiernonamismo!
For your comments, e-mail DeroSeminar@yahoo.com or text 0920-4053233. Remember: Shared grief is half the sorrow but happiness when shared, is doubled.
It’s one of those times when we need to laugh again. The news brings nothing but negative headlines, gasoline prices are up, the peso is down, and life is getting to be more expensive than ever. Even water we have to buy, and at the rate things are going, we’d soon be buying air to breathe.
The only thing free now is laughter. Laughter is what Filipinos turn to for survival when times get rough – like we could not have survived those turbulent Erap years without the Erap jokes. The Philippine political scene is so pathetic and surreal, you don’t know whether to get mad, laugh or cry. Rather than fume or be depressed and miserable, laugh na lang tayo, but let’s not forget to solve the real issues. Here are a few funnies to lighten your day!
While being shown the President’s bedroom, Bush asked Clinton if he could use his bathroom and Clinton readily obliged. In Clinton’s private toilet, Bush was astonished to see a fancy solid gold urinal.
Later, Bush told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "That Bill Clinton has real class. Did you know that he has a gold urinal in his bathroom?"
During the scheduled lunch, Laura was making conversation with Hillary and she indicated to Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the gold urinal in the president’s private bathroom.
Finally, the tour for the Bushes ended with Bill and Hillary retiring to their bedroom. Upon entering their bathroom, Hillary let out a shriek.
"Bill, don’t get mad now. Someone pissed in your saxophone, and I think I know who it was!" — Forwarded by Onie Mayo
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well – only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I’ve always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That’s my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every politician in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney..."
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, ""Here lies a politician and an honest man.’" — Forwarded by Chito Frondoso
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Father: How?
Son: Di ako sakay jeep. Sabay na lang ako sa takbo nya.
Father: Bobo! Sana taxi sinabayan mo para mas malaki na-save mo!
Passenger: No, I’m Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I’m Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?
Mare 2: Para yun lang natataranta ka na? Eh, di gamitin mo yung duplicate. — Forwarded by Sam Santamaria
Jinggoy: Ha? Paano nangyari yun?
ERAP: Hina mo talaga. Pareho kaming anak ng jueteng! — Texted in by Edward Castañeda
The first couple asked, "We are honored, but why us?"
Cardinal Sin replied, "I want to die like Christ with two thieves by my side."
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