Sweet talk

A girlfriend has been down in the dumps lately. She’s seeing someone with whom she shares a great intellectual connection and, for a while there, something she hoped was a soul connection. But lately all she talks about is an unidentified missing piece. Simply put, he doesn’t make her feel beautiful. He looks at her intently and just when she thinks he’s going to say something to knock her socks of, he will comment–though never disparagingly – on the sharp angles of her face. He will survey her figure and matter-of-factly suggest she gain weight here or lose some there. He is a wonderful man – an intellectual and sexual equal – yet she cannot ignore that there is an emotional space in her he cannot seem to reach. She wanted to know if she was being silly.

Hell, no. Every woman needs to feel beautiful in the eyes of her lover. It isn’t a trivial concern. It’s BIG. Women are the strongest beings. I’ve written about this before. We can bear and raise children, shield them from harm and live through impossible torment, should our protective maternal sheath fail in its task. We can face our worst demons and still do what must be done for everyone to get through the day. Yet, the stronger the woman, the greater the need for tenderness and appreciation in their simplest, most heartfelt expression.

I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t unfurl and blossom in a special way for a man who will tell her she is beautiful, especially when she is distorted with pain or pleasure. She will shine brilliantly for that man who burns her mother-face with a gaze reserved only for goddesses. She will blush all day at the memory of your "You’re gorgeous, baby," as if you had read her the sweetest lines of poetry.

So, yes, I think this is important. I would find it very difficult to stay with a man – no matter how expertly he played my brain – who did not make me feel precious to him. It counts, big time, that you feel treasured and appreciated by the man you love. Girlfriends tell each other they look fabulous, are great and wonderful all the time but it’s not the same. Hearing it from the man you love keeps your soul warm for the inevitable conjugal winters no one is ever truly prepared for.

It is great to have an intellectual equal, someone who challenges your wit and can turn conversations into exciting journeys through the sophisticated terrain of your mind. It is wonderful to have a sexual equal, someone who inspires your senses to explore worlds that go beyond your physical boundaries. But we too often mistake the intensity of one (or both) for that elusive soul connection; that mutual exchange, support, appreciation and mirroring of our feeling selves.

Words of praise and endearment are but a manifestation of this connection. You look at the person you love and are struck by something beautiful in her. That warmth inside expresses itself in words of gentle praise and gestures of tenderness. That expression fills your mate with equal warmth that permeates her feeling life and strengthens the bond between you in the feeling realm. How can that not be important?

My friend wasn’t looking for meaningless words of praise. It wasn’t just ego stroking or empty affirmation she was missing. I think she was trying to find a certain kind of balance and wholeness in her relationship which seemed to be too firmly embedded in the intellectual and physical realm. For women, especially, this soul connection directly affects the physical one. If we do not feel affirmed and supported on the soul level, it is very difficult for us to give and derive pleasure on the physical, though I believe that sex is often used as a substitute for this connection, especially for couples who are not present to the true nature of their relationships.

I don’t think that the soul connection is necessarily a daily display of flowery effusions. It isn’t how many times you tell a woman she is beautiful, but how selflessly you share it; how you carry it in your being and offer it to her because you simply can’t contain it. It isn’t so much the words but the depth of feeling and authenticity behind them. That’s what will bring her back to her softest, most feminine self. That’s the kind of warmth that will inhabit her soul for many lifetimes.

Another girlfriend once shared how her husband had looked at her one evening as she was leaving for a dinner engagement. He had stopped her in her tracks and said, "You look so pretty, honey" and bathed her in a smile of appreciation and pride. He escorted her downstairs and insisted she take his car. He watched her leave and lingered, staring wistfully at the growing stretch of road between them. The next morning he told her again she looked so wonderful that he almost changed his mind and followed, which was something, given how he hates to socialize outside of work. That memory fills her heart. During bad times, I’m certain it’s one of the pearls she holds in her hand to remind her of his tenderness.

It isn’t shallow or silly to look for this bond in a relationship. Yes, there are many things we cannot expect of our mates but a loving, authentic gesture from deep within their space of warmth is something every woman soul deserves. These are the treasures that bring light into our dark and wounded corners. Wanting appreciation and tenderness in our lives isn’t a sign of weakness or frivolity but an admission– and a celebration –of our finest feminine selves.

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