Honey to Goma, Mommy to Juliana

Responsibility is a virtue that I’ve always had to work on. It’s not something I’m proud of but it’s a reality I have to face. What came naturally to my sister Caren, who is the most conscientious and efficient person I know after my dad, was the very same thing that somehow always eluded me. I was serious when it came to academics, especially during elementary and high school, because my parents expected that of me. Besides my sister was consistently at the top of her class and her study habits did rub off positively on me. I was never a problem child but if there was anything about me that probably peeved my parents it was my lack of dependability.

When I was growing up especially, it was typical of me to always misplace things, forget to make my bed, leave personal effects in a clutter, overlook an important errand or fail to relay an important message – you get the picture. I can only imagine how many times my mom must have sighed in exasperation. She would always tell me that my husband, whoever he may be, would surely not appreciate coming home to a messy house and a disorganized wife.

"But I know how to clean!" I’d always reason out and she would laughingly retort, "It’s not enough for a house to be clean, it has to be neat as well." Yes, we had househelp but my parents did not believe in spoiling us. Rather, we were trained to clean our rooms, keep our toys after we messed them up, fold and store our newly laundered clothes, we were even taught to wash the dishes–all of which we did only on weekends when we didn’t have school.

We went off to Cebu to live with my maternal grandmother for college in UP where, in keeping with their effort to train us to be responsible individuals, my mom and dad entrusted us with bigger things. We were given free access to an extension of credit cards (I’m proud to say that not once were we abusive of this privilege) and though we had petty cash at our disposal we had to document our expenses, not because they didn’t trust our judgment but because it was the right thing to do.

My sister took care of settling all the bills, balancing the checkbook, filing all the paperwork, etc. Errands that had to be done she took upon herself, too. I was forever dependent on her – she was (still is) my angel. Ideally the burden of responsibility had to be 50/50 between us but I was just plain unreliable. If she delegated a task I somehow managed to accomplish it too late or run into a minor booboo, six out of ten times. Time management and foresight just weren’t something I took to heart. It wasn’t intentional at all but I always took things easy, confident in the knowledge that somebody would always be there to not only lead me but also pick up where I left off.

Well, wonder of wonders, all that changed when I got married. First off, I was treading on unfamiliar ground. From the quiet provincial life that I was used to in Ormoc I moved into my new home in Manila. Even before I could unpack, I promised myself that I would settle in my new world as graciously as I could and embrace the frenetic pace that is characteristic of a big city. Add to that the fact that my husband is a public personality and it is but natural that I accept and become receptive to the kind of industry he moves in. One of our first few tampuhans had to do with tardiness – mine, to be specific. Where it would take him five minutes to get dressed, it would take me 30 minutes at the very least. I’m not trying to make excuses here but it really took me a while to bear in mind that in Ormoc, while everything was accessible in five minutes and there was absolutely no traffic at that, the same could not be said of Manila.

The issue was resolved when I told Richard to give me enough lead-time when we had a function to attend. Girls, after all, have more seremonyas than men when dressing up. Later on, I became more used to his pace and it took me less time to get ready. Because I have a tendency to stare at the clothes in my closet and try on outfit after outfit before I finally settle on the first one I chose (aren’t we all guilty of that?) I now mentally go through my things way before I have to get ready and that really saves me time. I have also learned to be like a girl scout. By that I mean I can go off with him for a short trip at a moment’s notice.

A few months into our marriage while we were getting ready for bed he asked me if I wanted to stay overnight in Subic. "Sure," I gamely replied, "When do we leave?" Horror of horrors, I heard him say NOW. And that was already close to 11 p.m.! It took me forever to gather all my things because though the hotels provide you with basic toiletries I like to bring my own. I like using a huge chunk of soap and generous portions of shampoo and conditioner.

But I learned from that experience. The moment we arrived I got myself a compact but roomy overnight kikay kit that I stocked with all the toiletries Richard and I use. That way it was good and ready to be tossed in our luggage anytime. I just make sure the contents are replenished before I store them for the next trip.

A challenge for me was running the household. Richard, busy as he is, pretty much left the decision-making to me. Luckily though, he had in his employ an all-around help, Lita, who was very efficient (she’s still with us up to this day and has since been promoted as Juliana’s yaya) and she went with me the first few times to do the groceries until I was comfortable doing it on my own.

Initially I’d miss out on items such as dishwashing soap, detergent, or aluminum foil because I wasn’t shopping as a housewife would. It helped that my husband is not a fussy person, he’s a "cowboy" and he eats whatever is prepared. Oftentimes, we would run out of basic fare and we would have to either eat out or eat whatever de lata we had on hand – all because I did not have the foresight to stock up, the stove ran out of gas, or I simply forgot to go to the grocery. How irresponsible can one get?

My patient husband was very tolerant of his new bride and not once did he make me feel useless and incompetent (thank you, honey). Although we had a cook, I decided I wanted to try and prepare our meals, not necessarily on a daily basis but often enough for them to be memorable. What was supposed to be mechado would end up tasting like paksiw and I would have no choice but to chop it up and pass it off as an "experimental" salpicado. I attempted to bake several times and though the result wasn’t as disastrous as my cooking, it still wasn’t consistently good. What I lacked in culinary skill I made up for in presentation (at least it would look appetizing enough for him to try).

When our all-around help left for a vacation in her province, we were stuck with two other helpers who, between the two of them, knew only eight dishes and most of them fried at that. So when we had guests over we mastered the art of serving take-out food presented in home-cooked manner. We never served the food in their original take-out containers.

Richard is a pretty good cook but he simply doesn’t have the time. Though I fumbled at the start, I have since learned to make a system that works well, in our household at least – I buy groceries in bulk every two months and a helper goes to the wet market for fresh produce enough to last a week. Because there is a steady flow of people in our house and it happens often that Richard brings home guests during mealtimes, on short notice at that, I have learned to make life easier for our cook who used to scamper helplessly in the kitchen. I now make it a point to always have marinated meat that’s ready to fry so it really doesn’t matter if he brings home two or 10 people – there will be food that can be prepared in a jiffy. I have long accepted that I will never be a cook so instead of taking cooking lessons myself I encourage our help to experiment with new recipes themselves.

Keeping the house clean was easier. By and large I just adapted my mom’s system as I remembered it – I assigned each helper with specific tasks to do day in and day out along with a schedule for them to follow. That way they know exactly when to change the curtains, how often they should change the sheets, when to do general cleaning, which days to launder all the dirty clothes and which days to do the ironing – I even charted it out for them and posted it in their room for easy reference. They may forget every now and then and I do check on them regularly but generally, they have adapted to the routine. I have also since learned to keep a well-stocked medicine supply chest for common ailments, balance a checkbook, file all the paperwork and chart out all the bills to be paid on a monthly basis so I don’t miss out on anything.

At one point I even arranged all of Richard’s shirts based on color but the helper who puts in the newly laundered clothes just can’t seem to follow the scheme no matter how many times I explain it to her. I let it pass. There are far more important things to think about. I’m happy enough that the hangers are uniform and that all clothes are either hung or folded neatly. I’m forever trying to clean up the clutter that piles up over the span of one week: Richard’s gadgets, my art supplies, magazine upon magazine, Juliana’s gear and toys, the list just goes on and on. But I’m not complaining. Organizing things is proving to be therapeutic for me and I like going to bed at night knowing that if I need something, I know exactly where to find it. Unless, of course, Juliana had access to it again hid it somewhere only her little hands can reach.

Yes, experience is the best teacher but necessity hastens the learning process. I realize now more than ever that anyone faced with a situation will rise up to it. I simply cannot afford to be unreliable and careless at the expense of others – I have to be responsible for the welfare of my family. Richard treats me like a princess and he spoils me like anything, more so now that we have Juliana. I don’t have to be superwoman (and I’m not saying I am) and I’m happily enjoying my role as a wife and mother. I am honey to Richard and mommy to Juliana. It is a career in itself. Equating responsibility to a seemingly mundane thing such as homemaking may seem not appropriate. After all, efficiency alone does not a responsible person make. But it is a good place to start and it encourages me to be faithful in doing even the little things.

Meanwhile the best compliment I probably ever got was from my mom who, during a visit shortly after I got married, remarked, "You’re so organized now I can’t believe it!" Coming from someone who saw me through all my clutter, that really felt good. I still have a long way to go on the efficiency scale and nowhere am I near perfection. But I am still a work in progress, comfortable in the knowledge that I will never stop trying, and that I am a far cry from the unsystematic girl I used to be.