Boy Friends

I have a girlfriend who is married to an insanely jealous man. One little hello to an old, male college buddy sets off his inner gorilla–flaring nostrils, scary teeth, matted hair, clenched fists, sporadic grunting–the works. He has absolutely no reason to be jealous as she is faithful, loves him madly and has all but bid her male friends goodbye in an attempt to appease his raging demons. He’s jealous anyway. And it consumes him. I admire her resolve but also feel that she is missing out on a great human experience. Male friends are one of the best things in life.

I have a handful of really cool ones. They are wonderful sources of inspiration. They give good hugs and great insight. We don’t see each other often enough but are in touch via the tenuous hand of technology. When we do see each other–someone’s birthday, a workshop, seminar or a specially scheduled one-on-one – the affection is undeniable. And in between, I know we carry each other in our consciousness. They are married, some single, others in transition. We are aware and respectful of each other’s relationships and do not cross the line. They enrich my life in countless ways.

Unlike girlfriends, they don’t automatically take your side when you are at odds with your partner. Your girlfriends will immediately jump into the ring, over-enthusiastically give the offender the finger and fly you to safety. Your male buddies will almost instinctively play devil’s advocate, offering a side you may have overlooked or in your stubborn pride, refuse to see. And because they say it so matter-of-factly, without the slightest hint of agenda, participation or partiality, you can’t help but open yourself to it. They won’t pat you on the back, offer to be by your side, suggest a little overeat party or be your rah-rah-rah brigade. Their kind attention and even counsel will simply put distance between you and your mate, give you time to collect yourself, and a little more time to center yourself. They will impart sober, rational nuggets of wisdom then push you back into the ring to fight your fight alone. Girlfriends are great for all-out support but male friends are fantastic at giving you perspective and helping to balance your often-dramatic hormones.

My male friends are gentle about pointing out a fault or weakness and I am, likewise, better able to handle the truth about myself from them. I know it’s because I’m getting the straight, rational, male perspective without the baggage that comes with romantic involvements. We don’t have to navigate the emotional obstacle course nor mince and pare words to avoid intimacy-related landmines. They simply tell me what they think and I take it at face value. There is no space to over-interpret; no room to misunderstand.

Romantic love catapults the male-female thing into a totally different dimension. Because it is shaped and formed by the demands of a special brand of intimacy, it is vulnerable and volatile in ways that a friendship is not. Precisely because male-female friendships are free of romantic agenda, the dynamics are quite different. Unlike their combustible love counterpart, these special friendships rest on the gentle hand of equanimity.

"Why do you need male friends? You have me. Am I not enough?" this, according to my friend, is her jealous husband’s chief defense. It’s not a matter of inadequacy. An uncomplicated relationship with a man is something else entirely. Anyone who’s ever been married knows that your spouse cannot be everything to you, just as you can’t be everything to him. There are people you share other interests with–stuff your spouse doesn’t care about or isn’t interested in; stuff you are passionate about. You don’t necessarily give these things up because you are married. If your spouse gives you all that, great. Otherwise, there are other friends you can share them with. Just because you didn’t fuse body, soul and spirit and become one entity when you said "I do" doesn’t mean you failed. It means you are an individual human being. It means that you and your spouse have interests outside of marriage, which I firmly believe is healthy. If you have boy friends and he has girl friends, what’s the big deal?

I allow my spouse the same kind of freedom. I think that if he has female friends with whom he can laugh and share ideas, it will indirectly enrich our marriage. They will probably make him appreciate me more. Women make great friends. Why shouldn’t he have that? He is an adult–one who has my full trust and support. If he succumbs to temptation or, heaven forbid falls in love with someone else, I know it has more to do with his character and the quality of our marriage, than the fact that he allowed himself a female friend. A strong marriage can only be enhanced by outside friendships.

The issue here is trust. You cannot keep tabs on your spouse 24-hours a day. You cannot choose his friends for him. You either trust him completely or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’ve got major problems to begin with. I also think that your real intentions are key. As long as you are true to yourself, are honest about your motivations and honor your boundaries, I don’t see how true male-female friendships can threaten a marriage. If anything, they contribute to a better, more balanced image of the opposite sex. And God knows we all need a healthy dose of that.

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