Shackled
March 3, 2002 | 12:00am
I recently had lunch with a girlfriend whose three-year relationship seemed headed for a split. "It’s going nowhere," she sighed. "Do you mean you want him to marry you?" I asked, already dreading her reply. "Of course," she naturally said. "I need security; some kind of guarantee." I nearly inhaled my plate then realized that one woman in crisis was all our little table could take. I didn’t want to sound unsympathetic but I did need to ask, "What makes you think marriage will give you all that?"
To temper my fast-approaching smugness, I took a trip down Bad Memories Lane. Sure enough, there it was: an image of my own mouth, uttering the phrase "guarantee and security" and two other dreaded words: I need. I said it myself and have heard it more times than I care to admit. Each time, I am reminded of beauty pageant contestants who, when asked why they joined the pageant, routinely answer "exposure." Eh? To what? Dirty old men? The sun? The truth is, they have no idea. And that’s the way it is for women obsessed with that mythical relationship tandem: security and guarantee.
The irony is that marriage doesn’t buy you security–at least not the kind that matters. In fact, marriage is a breeding ground for insecurity, especially in a woman who has not yet taken hold of herself. If it’s financial security you seek, make your own money. If you are a stay at home wife, make sure you know how to earn a living anyway. It helps to know that you will get down on your knees and scrub bathroom floors if it comes to that.
As for emotional security, why ask a man to give you that? It is beyond his power. He can love you, even promise to work at it every day, but he cannot put it in a box for you. When you ask a man for security, you are saying he has the power to dispense it. When you do that, you give your power away. The quest for "security and guarantee" in a relationship is a sign that your love inspires fear, not trust. Security is something you possess within yourself. It always has been.
As for guarantee, there is none. Any love that claims to have it is already dead, boxed in, stagnant. Who wants that? What you want is a quiet, enveloping warmth inside you–a gentle certainty– that tells you this is the man with whom you want to share the rest of your life; the life that will leave a positive spiritual imprint on the world. You want a firm grasp on your commitment–one you freely give–not one you manipulate him into giving you. The path he chooses to take to get to that point is his. He will offer his commitment when he is ready. When that time comes, he will present it to you with a tenderness that will bring tears to your eyes for years to come. But that is his journey. You cannot dictate its pace.
What you need to discern, from within, is if he is the one you will keep in your heart for eternity, through all the pockets of hell life harbors in its seams. You need to know, for yourself, if his soul causes yours to awaken, not shut down. You want to see if the quality of your love will open your eyes not to the transgression, but to the turmoil that brought him to it, when he collapses into bed at 4 a.m., reeking of drink and woman. Through it all, will you strive to appreciate and respect his spiritual struggle? When you look at him, do you see a man who will let you unfold through the soul-altering challenges of life or do you see one who will whine that you have changed into someone he no longer cares to touch?
How can you reduce all that to a singular, all-encompassing, gnawing need for security and guarantee? How can you narrow it down to a symbol that might be packaged and wrapped in a promise? The greater gift is the unfettered heart that has chosen to explore its spaces with yours. One of life’s truest pleasures is the celebration of a union whose time has come–a union brought by the natural yet mindful gravitation of one soul towards another–a union that is bound not just by love, tenderness, trust, acceptance and respect, but one that is firmly anchored in freedom.
E-mail address: myspace@skyinet.net
To temper my fast-approaching smugness, I took a trip down Bad Memories Lane. Sure enough, there it was: an image of my own mouth, uttering the phrase "guarantee and security" and two other dreaded words: I need. I said it myself and have heard it more times than I care to admit. Each time, I am reminded of beauty pageant contestants who, when asked why they joined the pageant, routinely answer "exposure." Eh? To what? Dirty old men? The sun? The truth is, they have no idea. And that’s the way it is for women obsessed with that mythical relationship tandem: security and guarantee.
The irony is that marriage doesn’t buy you security–at least not the kind that matters. In fact, marriage is a breeding ground for insecurity, especially in a woman who has not yet taken hold of herself. If it’s financial security you seek, make your own money. If you are a stay at home wife, make sure you know how to earn a living anyway. It helps to know that you will get down on your knees and scrub bathroom floors if it comes to that.
As for emotional security, why ask a man to give you that? It is beyond his power. He can love you, even promise to work at it every day, but he cannot put it in a box for you. When you ask a man for security, you are saying he has the power to dispense it. When you do that, you give your power away. The quest for "security and guarantee" in a relationship is a sign that your love inspires fear, not trust. Security is something you possess within yourself. It always has been.
As for guarantee, there is none. Any love that claims to have it is already dead, boxed in, stagnant. Who wants that? What you want is a quiet, enveloping warmth inside you–a gentle certainty– that tells you this is the man with whom you want to share the rest of your life; the life that will leave a positive spiritual imprint on the world. You want a firm grasp on your commitment–one you freely give–not one you manipulate him into giving you. The path he chooses to take to get to that point is his. He will offer his commitment when he is ready. When that time comes, he will present it to you with a tenderness that will bring tears to your eyes for years to come. But that is his journey. You cannot dictate its pace.
What you need to discern, from within, is if he is the one you will keep in your heart for eternity, through all the pockets of hell life harbors in its seams. You need to know, for yourself, if his soul causes yours to awaken, not shut down. You want to see if the quality of your love will open your eyes not to the transgression, but to the turmoil that brought him to it, when he collapses into bed at 4 a.m., reeking of drink and woman. Through it all, will you strive to appreciate and respect his spiritual struggle? When you look at him, do you see a man who will let you unfold through the soul-altering challenges of life or do you see one who will whine that you have changed into someone he no longer cares to touch?
How can you reduce all that to a singular, all-encompassing, gnawing need for security and guarantee? How can you narrow it down to a symbol that might be packaged and wrapped in a promise? The greater gift is the unfettered heart that has chosen to explore its spaces with yours. One of life’s truest pleasures is the celebration of a union whose time has come–a union brought by the natural yet mindful gravitation of one soul towards another–a union that is bound not just by love, tenderness, trust, acceptance and respect, but one that is firmly anchored in freedom.
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