Will the real Maria Clara please stand up?
Disclaimer: This is indeed a piece about the dating scene in Philippine society. Though a chunk of its thrust deals with the female species, women (who aren’t of the lesbian variety) need men to date. If we want to get technical, according to MW (Merriam Webster, people, c’mon!), a date is “a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character.” Hence men play a role, albeit insignificant, in the grander scheme of things. They shall be mentioned in trickles throughout.
Many Pinoy men are still in search of Maria Clara. Too bad many of them have not been informed that she was a cunning little bitch. And to the others who are well aware and still pining for her, well, enter at your own risk.
Yes, the ultra-feminine, full-of-grace, holier-than-thou poster child for the quintessential Pinay had a grand plan. Sure, there were days when the words spoken of her by Jose Rizal in Noli Me Tangere—“a pure soul”—rang true as she hid behind her brightly colored hand fan. Little did our national hero know that, on other days, Maria Clara was secretly giving him the finger back there.
And why wouldn’t she? Would forward-thinking women such as Maria Clara ever really subject themselves to staying up on that pedestal of quiet, virginal perfection? She had ideas so revolutionary that she would have made many men listen to her in awe instead of drool over what hid behind layer upon layer of garment. But she chose to play her cards with precision and prudence, not precipitation. She let man’s fascination grow and grow, having him kill—and even be killed—for the very honor that lived under her chastity belt’s lock and key.
Little did man know this maniacal woman ended up creating a weapon more powerful than the bomb that ripped
GOOD SEX. And we’re not talking coerced—as many a horny, chauvinistic bastard got his rocks off back then. We’re talking mutually consented, better-than-opium, come-like-a-swine (this animal’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes, for those who didn’t already know) sex.
Yet just where did Maria Clara learn to give head and then some with such panache? Surely Don Tiago—the supposed demure one’s supposed father (didn’t one of the prayles do a number on his wife, Doña Pia Alba?) — was too busy deciding who was right for his daughter to wed that he forgot to check on what the literate girl was reading in her dormitory… perhaps a hardbound copy of the Kama Sutra? In her mind, Parvati must’ve been doing something right to the Hindu god Shiva as he uttered—nay, shrilled—such words of pleasure as he climaxed; lucky for everyone, Shiva’s doorkeeper Nandi the sacred bull was enough of a perv to put all those joyous exclamations in writing. Had Maria Clara had an underground talk show then, the Kama Sutra would most definitely have graced her book club.
But we digress. The main point of all this babble is this: there is a beautifully nasty duality to Maria Clara’s being. Like two sides of a coin, the whole would not be worth 10 pesos (which is a prize find in a coin purse, by the way!) if both sides didn’t exist. There is certainly this brand of coyness to her, not exposing everything at once to get the imagination going. But it is in the purposeful intent of making the man’s mind concoct things that leads to the eventual unleashing of the demon clothed in Burberry no more!
In a simple mathematical equation, it would look something like this:
V (irgin) + S (lut) = M (aria) C (lara) = MC
And what, pray tell, constitutes today’s Pinay? Sure, all things must evolve; and like little mutations of the original Maria Clara, some were more exact replicas than others. Much like the lack or abundance of a chromosome in one’s genetic makeup, all sorts of Maria Clara anomalies could go down:
V – S + V = M (ay) C (onscience)
S – V + S = M (ore) C (oitus)
(V + V) x 2 – S x S x S = M (other
(S x S) x 100 – VVVVVVVVVV = M (asters in) C (hlamydia)
So many mutations, so little time. The real question is, are there enough men?! Absolutely NOT. On a not-so-gross presumption, the single guy-girl ratio in the country is ONE to FOUR; this partly explains the appeal of married men and good-looking homosexuals to hungry femmes… partly being the operative word. To the Maria Clara variable with not much of a conscience, no wedding ring or sexual preference will stop her from zoning in on her target of choice; the thrill is in the chase, and not in happily ever after.
This only pushes the Antithesis of lady-in-waiting to the forefront when it comes to the Pinay. Not that there aren’t any ultra-conservatives left. In fact, even if it may come as a shock to many, there still are those Maria Clara extremists who choose to wait until their wedding night to have their cherries popped. Perhaps their uber-strict, Catholic-school upbringing has something to do with it. Imagine being taught from birth to see sex as something terribly wrong outside the procreation premise—with missionary style the only acceptable position, and 69 being completely out of the question?
And then there are those close-to-the-convent rebels who are more than willing to engage in oral sex in stairwells of bars at the tender age of 16. It’s not like they’ll get pregnant! Funny thing is, these gals know about getting jiggy with it quite well as they’re hooked up to
Keeping away from the minors as men should (though admittedly, it’s not their fault many a time as the teens of today can pass for chicks in their early 30s if they try hard enough with their whorish shorts and decked-out faces), here’s a little glimpse into single women in their 20s, 30s and 40s through Maria Clara variables…
Twentysomethings
The Good (V)
Sexual Status: Virgin
Looking For: Prince Charming
Will Date: Men recommended by her Powerpuff friends…or Daddy
The Oh-So-Bad-She’s-Good (MC)
Sexual Status: Everything But The Girl (No penetration, but everything else a go!)
Looking For: A partner for right now, can lead to forever
Will Date: Men she’s attracted to, after doing a background check
The Ugly (S)
Sexual Status: Been Around
Looking For: Her next sexual conquest
Will Date: A good-enough-looking guy who’ll buy her drinks and/or give her drugs
THIRTYSOMETHINGS
The Good (V)
Sexual Status: Still a Virgin
Looking For: Soul Mate
Will Date: In a group, or forced setups
The Oh-So-Bad-She’s-Good (MC)
Sexual Status: Popped Cherry
Looking For: Intellectual Equal
Will Date: A lot, but whom she feels like, and at her command
The Ugly (S)
Sexual Status: Loosey Goosey
Looking For: A clouded sense of security
Will Date: Still anyone who can foot her bill and get her high
FORTYSOMETHINGS
The Good (V)
Sexual Status: Hopefully not a Virgin anymore, but quite possibly still
Looking For: A father for her fast-souring eggs
Will Date: Desperately, but still with knickers fastened tight
The Oh-So-Bad-She’s-Good (MC)
Sexual Status: Hungry after divorce
Looking For: Life Partner
Will Date: Other divorcees, or the choice good single men left, and will nab the right one
The Ugly (S)
Sexual Status: Once a slut, always a slut
Looking For: Someone who’ll accept her overused not-so-goods
Will Date: Anyone who’s willing to have slept with the whole country and then some
At the end of the day, it still does hold true that the Pinoy man is looking for his Maria Clara… sometimes without even knowing it. For the more conservative gents, they would probably gravitate towards the more virginal strain; and of course the opposite would attract those in need of adventure, pleasure, heartache and crabs all at the same time (different strokes for different folks).
Yet the smart Pinoy would know that the perfect woman resides in the happy medium—with equal parts of virgin and slut. If the chauvinistic could only see that they need not keep scarlet-letter mistresses to fulfill that need, they wouldn’t be housing miserable martyr wives at home. Same goes for the Burgos-loving males who realize that there’s much more to women than just tits and ass.
So choose your Maria Clara well, dear man. She’s out there waiting for you. Or better still, if you’re worth it… she’s coming to get you without you even knowing it.
